Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language.
1. You didn't think you would lose me.
"On a break" became something more for you.
You didn't want the break to end but you didn't want me to leave either.
2. When I said you didn't deserve my heart you told me you didn't want it.
If the pearls before swine metaphor fits put it on and go for a hike.
I'm sure the blisters will be worth it in the end.
3. She was skinnier than me but that's not why you fucked her.
She was 'alternative' and 'different'. Like I was at the beginning.
Alternatives are just other possibilities.
She was an avenue you wanted to cruise around while still being able to park in my driveway.
4. Women aren't objects on sale you inconsiderate jerk.
We are not merchandise and dating sites aren't the store.
You always did like window shopping more than appreciating the things you had.
5. I don't care that you have female friends.
I care that you wanted to keep them a secret-
If you can't say what you're doing that means that on some level you know it's wrong.
-
You didn't want to lose me and I'm not lost,
but this is private property and you had best see your way out.
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,814 Reviews
Good for you, girl. I completely get this poem because, damn, guys are pigs sometimes. (No offense to the sparse good guys out there.) Boys are fickle that way though, one day they are so into you. You are their "number one","main","one-and-only." If I was you, I wouldn't trust these guys' words so much, but their actions speak way louder than any "I love you" ever could.
I like that you used kind of a grocery store method when you wrote this piece. It definitely makes your poem an original in the best way. I like your use of imagery throughout the poem and your similes and metaphors where you compare yourself to being a driveway and a piece of merchandise. I also like your little bits of bitter humor in there, nice touch.
Your poem speaks to a momentous amount of women, young and older, who have been through the same thing. So i applaud you on an exceptional piece.
Slightly sexist.
Slightly.
Whatever...I left a disclaimer at the top. All's fair in love and war.
Who cares if it's a disclaimer? I could leave one yet be incredibly misogynistic.
I'm sorry if this comes off as rude but if you could have this conversation privately instead of here I would really appreciate it. Thanks
Nope, sorry.
Wow. This shows that girls aren't objects to toy with or a guys arm candy.
They aren't week and surely don't need a unfaithful jerk in their life.
I really like this as it shows the strong side of woman. Its really nice and even shows that women's arent't trophies to bang and be proud of.
Great work. It is really smooth and creates a great impact.
Hey there! clogs here to review!
Oooh, this is nice! A few suggestions:
First, some formatting tips: I feel like this would be better organized if you put space between the different stanzas. I know the YWS publisher can be a pain in this regard, but you can do it by pressing "shift" and "enter" at the same time. Once you do that, I recommend un-bolding the numbers and putting them above the poem rather than on the first line. The bold is visually unappealing, and having the number on the first line interrupts the start of the poem.
You could also try using Roman numerals to number the "reasons", if you find it stylistically appropriate.
Also, this is really minor, but I don't see why the title should be in quotes. If there's a reason for that, please tell me!
On the poem itself:
I don't really understand what the "break" from the first stanza was. Was it referring to a break in the relationship in which he cheated? Why would there be a break? Maybe try to make that a bit clearer.
"Pearls before swine" is a cliche, because it's been used so much that people immediately associate it with the figurative meaning rather than the literal meaning. In fact, you even acknowledged that it was a cliche in the poem! While I do understand what it's saying, it's not really appropriate for poetry. I feel like you could find a more original way of expressing this. This gives me no imagery whatsoever. I just feel like it's a wasted opportunity, because there are so many great ways to describe loving someone who doesn't deserve it.
This line felt a little redundant to me. You could try removing it, or maybe describe what alternates are a little less literally. You definitely have a strong handle on metaphor, so maybe you could try that!
I feel like the reader should be able to tell from the poem that the guy is an inconsiderate jerk. You don't really need to tell us that that's what you think. I'm definitely getting bitterness from this, so I think that phrase was unneeded. It felt a bit more like an angry text message than a poem to me.
Love the window shopping metaphor, by the way. Love the metaphors in this in general!
You have a tendency of missing out on commas in the longer lines. For instance:
The first one needs the comma because the first part is an independent clause and the second part is a dependent clause. The second one needs it for the same reason, except reversed. Without the comma, it's a run-on. There are more than those two, but it's a repeated error, so hopefully you can recognize these mistakes now. If you have questions about comma usage, feel free to ask!
I think the strongest part of this poem was the metaphors. They were very clear and effectively done, so good job! Maybe in future poetry you can experiment with taking one metaphor and making it extended through the whole poem so you have more room to expand on it. However, since this poem was basically comprised of five smaller poems, I think that the use of separate metaphors worked well.
Hope this helped, and keep up the good work!
Whoa. This is very good and I'm glad that you aren't blaming yourself over this total jerk leaving you. The tone is consistent and the progression is smooth. My only complaint is that it would flow better as 'you had best,' as opposed to 'you best.' Overall, this is excellent and you should keep on writing and standing up for yourself!
Thank you for your review! I made the changes you suggested