Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for mature content.
I’m gonna need to kiss you.
Apparently some people think I’m needy.
When I turn to you, pucker up, and wait,
My alarm clock eyes light up with the desire to be loved
By someone who just wants to be left alone.
I deserve to be kissed.
If you aren’t excited by the idea of me breathing you in and loving every moment of it,
Don’t let me get that close.
Don’t let me sleep next to you.
Don’t let me learn the contours of your back when you shift to your side.
I’m gonna wanna kiss you.
Hold your lips to mine and think how it’s just another kinda hug.
I don’t care about sex.
If that’s all you want these lips remain padlocked.
Tick-tock on the clock I think it’s time for you to go...
Before I decide I want a kiss goodnight.
If one was enough why would they have invented numbers?
3, 4, 5 = 12
It’s midnight baby
And if we don’t want it all to go to hell.
If we wanna make or break this spell.
I’m gonna need to kiss you.
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139,295 Literary Works • 672,524 Reviews
Royal here for a quick review!
I loved this! Very sweet, adorable, and original.
Two things:
I don't think you need the line about not wanting sex. I think you make it clear that the speaker has pretty pure intentions. You lose me a bit towards the end; I think it gets a little nebulous towards the last line, so I'd tighten that up a bit if you go to edit this. Also, maybe consider not capitalizing every line? See how that affects the impact of the piece, and decide whether you like it.
Overall, really good job! Love the diction, flow, and form. Fantastic!
Very cute, original poem! This is a great read, definitely enjoyed.
Now for the review
First what I found that was beneficial to the poem.
This poem has a very steady, rhythmic beat to it, and I like that because it really adds to the tick-tock clock metaphor you're going for.
I especially like the line "If one was enough why would they have invented numbers?"!
There are also a couple of things that I think could be improved to benefit the overall effect of the poem.
The line "3,4,5=12," I don't know exactly what you're trying to go for here. Are you trying to say that this girl thinks that 12 kisses are enough? Are you trying to add up these numbers to get 12, or midnight? If so, maybe use plus signs instead of commas to show that? Because 3+4+5 does equal 12, so I'm getting that addition is the goal here, but as the line is, I have trouble understanding what it means in connection with the rest of the poem.
With these two lines, "That when I turn to you, pucker up, and wait;
My alarm clock eyes light up with the desire to be loved," I'm not sure if these are meant to be one continuous thought over two lines or separated. I think it would make more sense to drop the "That" at the beginning of the line so that the lines read "When I turn to you, pucker up, and wait, my alarm clock eyes light up with the desire to be loved," which makes a more complete thought.
Overall, this is a great poem, and I definitely enjoyed! Keep up the good work!
Happy writing,
Toboldlygo
Thank you for taking the time to write a review! I usually write my poems to sound like the way I would say them. So with the line "3,4,5=12" I mean that out loud I would say "Three, four, five equals twelve". So yes I mean for the implication to be that I'm adding them up, and 12 can also be taken as midnight. But if I were to say it out loud or even read it as "Three plus four plus five equals twelve" it throws off the rhythm I was aiming for, and with "3, 4, 5" it's me counting because I previously said one was not enough. Though I did skip two because I said words between one and three. The numbers are supposed to tie into the idea that I (the Princess) am on the clock and am running out of time. I appreciate your feedback and made changes as suggested
Okay, I see what you're going for there. It just seemed a little confusing at first.
Very cute, original poem! This is a great read, definitely enjoyed.
Now for the review
First what I found that was beneficial to the poem.
This poem has a very steady, rhythmic beat to it, and I like that because it really adds to the tick-tock clock metaphor you're going for.
I especially like the line "If one was enough why would they have invented numbers?"!
There are also a couple of things that I think could be improved to benefit the overall effect of the poem.
The line "3,4,5=12," I don't know exactly what you're trying to go for here. Are you trying to say that this girl thinks that 12 kisses are enough? Are you trying to add up these numbers to get 12, or midnight? If so, maybe use plus signs instead of commas to show that? Because 3+4+5 does equal 12, so I'm getting that addition is the goal here, but as the line is, I have trouble understanding what it means in connection with the rest of the poem.
With these two lines, "That when I turn to you, pucker up, and wait;
My alarm clock eyes light up with the desire to be loved," I'm not sure if these are meant to be one continuous thought over two lines or separated. I think it would make more sense to drop the "That" at the beginning of the line so that the lines read "When I turn to you, pucker up, and wait, my alarm clock eyes light up with the desire to be loved," which makes a more complete thought.
Overall, this is a great poem, and I definitely enjoyed! Keep up the good work!
Happy writing,
Toboldlygo
Hi Harry here for a review.
Lets start with what you need to work on, first off there are some places where you rhyme and others that you don't. I don't know if this is a mistake or on purpose but if you want to rhyme than you can look up words that rhyme. But you don't have to rhyme to make a poem, you just need to have something to write about and a reason for it. You have done this here, I would try to describe more in the poem. Like why do you feel this way and what are you are going to do about it, I would also put stanzas, that is what separates a poem from a short story. Stanzas are kind of like paragraphs but you add more of them and you separate them easier. For example.(Don’t let me learn the contours of your back when you shift to your side.
I’m gonna wanna kiss you.
Hold your lips to mine and think how it’s just another kinda hug.
I don’t care about sex.
If that’s all you want these lips remain padlocked.
Tick-tock on the clock I think it’s time for you to go...
Before I decide I want a kiss goodnight.
Stanza
If one was enough why would they have invented numbers?
3, 4, 5 = 12
It’s midnight baby
And if we don’t want it all to go to hell.
If we wanna make or break this spell.
I’m gonna need to kiss you.)
Now for the good stuff, You add feelings and emotions in your poem and that is what people look for in a poem. Keep Up the good work and Happy Writing!