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Breaking Concrete With My Teeth

by Mooilky

Sinner seeking savior,

repenting for the crowd.

Worried about innocence,

but not about the shrouds.

The church’s mighty legacy

is built on children's graves.

Do not let them mislead you,

that it’s always been this way.

Mother of mine.

Catholic Converted.

So I could be this way.

Alive and unrelenting,

screaming out in pain.

Share with me our history.

I’ve been so lost in misery.

Afraid to know,

I long to touch

the beadwork of our legacy.

I miss the dirt and ancestors,

under concrete floors.

Their green that breaks from in between

like flushing out through pores.

The truth is not a blemish.

Perfection is the sin.

Mother of mine,

Please believe,

We can be free again. 

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616 Reviews

Points: 4745
Reviews: 616

Tue Jan 04, 2022 8:08 am
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Rook wrote a review...

This was a very interesting poem! I think the subject of ancestry is always a very rich and worthwhile subject for a poem and this is no exception. I especially loved the detail of touching beadwork. that was a great sensory image that used both the senses of sight and touch. you had a few wonderful details such as this, like the image of the grass sprouting through concrete, but I'd always like to see more. imagery is your strongest tool! I was drawn to the title of this because of it's very effective sensory image.
I did feel like the rhyme and rhythm of this felt a bit forced and made the poem feel stuff and stale. Turns and rhythm are powerful told as well but they are so easy to get wrong. Keep experimenting with them, but also experiment with free verse and with ways to conceal your rhythm and rhyme so they create a pulse within the poem but do not strangle it. My favorite tool to accomplish this concealment is enjambment. I don't have the time right now to link you a resource about it, but if you comment and ask for it, I can find you one!
Keep experimenting and playing with poetry! You've got something really wonderful here!

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8 Reviews

Points: 97
Reviews: 8

Sun Dec 26, 2021 4:11 am
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Hya wrote a review...

A beautiful piece with clever use of rhyming words. It wasn't too much-overwhelming-to read. Each verse had its own uniqueness and was a treat to read! I really love this sort of poems, where it seems nothing is happening but at the same time many things are happening.
Also the second last stanza was really gorgeous! I felt goosebumps reading it!
Thanks for reading such a wonderful poem. I hope you've a great day ahead <3

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Points: 3
Reviews: 3

Tue Dec 21, 2021 6:37 am
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AtomicSpaceKid says...

Good rhythm you’ve got going on. I honestly don’t like rhyming poems but you put so much power and pain into these lines, it was just absolutely enchanting. You painted a mental image wonderfully. I hope others take the time to read this and let it sink in.

Il faut imaginer Sisyphe heureux (One must imagine Sisyphus happy).
— Albert Camus, The Myth of Sisyphus