(Updated)
A hologram floated through her head and in front of her face stopping her in her tracks; a 3D display of a map with hundreds of red dots gathering into a single spot.
“We never said we wouldn’t help you,” said Ren.
“Wait, you mean…”
Ren reached down under the holotable and slammed his palm against a button making a loud mechanical clunk. “Yes, Cecilia! We knew what you were going to do the moment we called you back!” The room then started to move and was filled with loud whirring and clicks. The floor elevated, pieces of the holotable opened up and began to expand with more parts coming out of it, then merging with the floor itself. The room had become a giant holographic floor where they were allowed to see everything and walk over the holographic map like giants.
The map showed near perfect details portraying hundreds of hellspawns from hellhounds, gargoyles, succubi, demons, balrogs, and more surrounding a particular blank space.
“It’s like I said, the Sins are too intelligent and coordinated to simply leave the front-lines unattended. They’ve gathered their forces on defending this one spot,” Ren pointed at the blank space. Which, believe it or not, was actually on the same island they were on- Hawaii.
“Wow. We’re here, the laboratory is here, the coordinates are right there, this cannot be some coincidence,” Cecilia said, reluctant to show her excitement.
“All the more reason why we need to find him. Unfortunately, we have no idea what’s in that spot. If our technology can’t find it, then--”
“Then it’s hidden by magic,” Cecilia finished Prof. Kamui’s sentence.
“Correct, and we did a bit of digging with whatever records we had from a thousand years ago, and turns out--”
“That hidden spot has the same coordinates as the one on the paper.”
Prof. Kamui threw his hands up and dropped them. “Okay, she gets it.”
“But...why?” Even she knew abandoning the front-lines would be a fatal strategic error. Out of everyone in their roster, there were only a handful that are able to ignore the effects of being near a SIn. To remove her from the battle would be the same as handing over the refuge on a golden plate. “What of the front-lines?”
“We’ve already confirmed updates with the other refugees. All of their respective Sins are missing as well,” the holofloor zoomed out so they could see the planet in the center of the room. From five different points of the world, giant red crosses slowly converged onto the hidden spot on the map. One of them was already at the coordinates. “I’m sure you don’t need me spelling it out, but Lust is already there. You know what this means, don’t you?”
The holofloor zoomed into the coordinates of Lust and all the hellspawns, spreading them out in rows and columns like a chess board..
“We can mount a frontal assault without forfeiting any camps,” the words flew out of her mouth.
“Under the assumption we can get the operation done before the rest of the Sins show up,” said Prof. Kamui. “In which case, we’re doomed.”
Cecilia walked over and stared at the holographic image of Lust; her long-time hated nemesis. She was a succubus; ram horns, light-blue skin, vampiric wings, thin black tail with a spade shaped at the end, predator eyes, and long black hair. Throughout the three years Cecilia had engaged her, she always wore the same thing. She was practically nude, always proudly showing off her body save for a one-piece chain harness worn only by nipple clamps connected with a dildo that was always inside her, and a heart-shaped lock choker. Her weapon was a staff whose tip looked like it exploded and solidified in the middle of the craft. Imbued in the openings of the tip were various different gems of different colors.
If that spot was so important to her, then there’s only one thing to do.
“So…” Cecilia crossed her arms and traded looks with Prof. Kamui and Ren. “What’s the plan?”
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,804 Reviews
Hello again (3x) !!!
This part of the chapter didn't disappoint. It made the story much much more interesting. It amplified its potential! The use of the seven deadly sins is INGENIOUS. AND it gave such a Dante Alighieri's Inferno vibe, especially with the graphic way you described her physique! It was disturbing, disgusting, horrifying, but at the same time interesting and seemingly realistic (unlike the romanticised ones *cough*)! It's what you'd really expect a monster would look like. Kudos to you<333 I can't wait for the next chap!
Now, onto my large chocolate bar of critique:
If they were planning to cooperate the whole time, then um what was the point of chapter 2.2? Perhaps they were testing her?
But the way Prof. Kamui said this^^ just feels wrong? He was evidently dissuading her here. If it is a test, I don't understand why they needed to do it in the first place. Aside from that, the quote below states,
That they're running out of time. So why waste a few good minutes for that? It'd be best if you focus on the urgency of the task. It creates a lot of tension, suspense, and anxiety that would compel the reader to read the next chapter.
Moving on,
-As much as I really (like really) love this concept, weren't they supposed to save their resources? They're low on supplies, right? In here, it feels like they're squandering whatever they have left. Unless, you could give us some clarity on how their tech works? Or how much battery it takes up? Since they're advanced, perhaps --just a possibility/semi-suggestion -- some of the devices are generated by renewable resources like the wind? If that's the case, losing batteries may still be a really big issue because the wind is a bit precarious? It depends on the climate (not entirely sure so please research further if you're going in this direction) and most bodies of water must be frozen because, again, of the climate.
-I'd like to echo HarryHardy's concern here (I actually thought of this before I saw it in his review but anywho). There is a major info dump that could just be described during their battle. Giving graphic descriptions of how she manipulates and uses her powers would definitely intrigue and surprise the reader.
-Personally, I think you should retain the highlighted part. It'll be hard to explain it in your subsequent chapters because they've already done this in the past. It was a mistake they've already learned from and it'll be a wee impractical and foolish if reenacted.
A small chunk of nitpicks:
I think you should be consistent towards the capitalisation of the word "Sins."
It's capital hereˆ
But not hereˆ
-add a comma before the highlighted phrase and remove the hyphens. This would make it a non-essential clause.
*it should be "will be" not "was". Abandoning the front-lines (because of their reason) have not yet been proven (in this chapter) as a "fatal strategic error."
Reactions (can't help it):
-I CAN'T BELIEVE that they're much more diverse and inclusive than we currently are. Oh the irony.
-His reaction was hilarious.
I AM COMPLETELY HOOKED and will continue to be anchored by this book. Can't wait for the next update and do please let me read your edited version of chappy 1! Keep writing
P.S. If I say something rude, I apologise in advance. Could you also please tell me what part it is so I wouldn't do it again?
Continuing on here.
1. Bingo, they can't commit to the operation if their best players aren't with it 100%. As such, they needed to see if she hasn't gone crazy from fighting in a war. PTSD can be very mind-crushing.
2. There's a reason for it. Don't worry.
3. Will definitely work on moving the lengthy description of Lust further in.
4. Google docs can be weird sometimes, but it's gonna be a capital S since I'm technically using it as a proper noun.
Wow, this one went by a lot shorter, but that's fine. Communicating with you about the story and reviews is always a delight with you Kattee! I'm looking forward to reading your thoughts and suggestions with evermore motivation to work on my story. Thanks so much again!
Likewise! just message me and I'd be really glad to give you some points
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
And I'm back for the next part of this.
First Impression: Well sounds like we're going to have an big battle scene in our future. And Ren was actually prepared. Looks like that stuff they swiped from that laboratory was a lot more than I thought.
Anyway let's get right to it,
Well that was a very dramatic way to press a button. Maybe a bit too dramatic? Ren wasn't exactly angry in the previous chapter. He was just concerned so slamming the button makes it sound like he's mad at Cecilia.
Oh I am looking forward to seeing a fight against all of these things. It is going to be epic.
Hawaii managed to keep the same name for a thousand years. Well that was unexpected.
Well judging from her replies after this she's taking this pretty seriously and going along with what they're saying so joking in the middle of that just doesn't seem right. You should switch to something along the lines of observed.
Wait in the previous chapter she was arguing to drop back from the front lines because of the fact that finding this person could be their only hope but now she's arguing not to do that? It sounds like this is just a setup so that the whole plan can be explained and that's a great way to do that but this line should probably be given to somebody else.
I think you were going for something along the lines of spread out. That would indicate they were arranged in that way. But with the way it's currently written it sounds like the holofloor itself is doing the positioning to the hell-spawns.
That's a lovely description right there. Creates quite the image.
This part however is a little long. Considering that we are most likely going to run unto this Akesha very soon in this battle this explanation of her powers could probably be moved a little. Having this information dumped right after that previous description interrupts the overall flow. I get that this is placed here probably to build the tension to the battle with here later and it does that, it just sounds a bit too much like a lesson that is interrupting this battle plan.
Good question. I shall await the answer to it.
And that's it.
Overall: Creates a lot of excitement here. We learn bit more about of the sort of things that humanity is up against and a lot of anticipation built to what promises to be a battle of epic proportions in the chapters to come.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Hi Harry! And thank you again for the review! I didn't think I'd have to get on revising the last bit of chapter 2 so soon, but the push to write is definitely appreciated!
Your Welcome!!
