Hellooo again (2x) !!
Now, this part was really interesting. I've gotten to learn more about what kind of character Cecilia is and so far, I like her. I can really see why she's the heroine of the story. Plus, she somehow reminds me of Thomas from the Maze Runner.
I'm going to start with my curious inquiries:
I'm not sure how much time has passed but I do know that it wouldn't exceed a few days or a weeks since Cecilia was desperate to arrive in Morrow upon receiving the message. You also did say that you've made some changes in chapter one (I hope I could read that) so I was thinking this chapter hints a change of plot? I noticed that Ren seems to act too normal and calm. Maggie also doesn't seem to show that she's troubled (chapter 2.1) even if she's supposed to be, given Emma's situation and the fear of losing her friend. With all this, I presume more like hoping that George didn't die? If my presumption is correct, please let me read the edited chapter 1!!
Also, is Fuyu without a last name but has blue hair the one Serenity was talking about in Chapter 1? The reason Cecilia "abandoned" them:
“Your sister’s a whore! She left us to go fuck some dude that dyed his hair light blue! Left us all to die!
-Though, we can evidently see that it is incorrect. And given that nobody was fazed nor angry when Cecilia arrived (all showed their respect), does that mean this is also a plot change? This is getting really interesting hmm.
I have a few more concerns:
“But what does this tell you,” Cecilia turned around and faced Prof. Kamui. He pressed his finger at her heart. “Deep down inside, do you truly feel that this is our best course of action?”
-Did you mean "He pressed his finger at his heart"? It would be a bit uncomfortable to read and imagine if it wasn't.
-It's also a little weird for him to point at the heart when all his decisions were logical (coming from the brain). The heart is known for being foolhardy and sometimes irrational because it's run by emotions.
I noticed an inconsistency with how the holotechs work, especially Amaterasu. Ren can command Amaterasu as seen here:
“Amaterasu, bring me page 1,” said Ren
But he couldn't ask it to open the "dozens of holographic documents"? Does Amaterasu (and its kind) have limitations? What are they?
“In the world we live in now, does anything make sense?” Ren responded rhetorically. “The document was found in a thousand year old laboratory with no signs of aging that appeared out of nowhere.”
-First Highlight: I personally think that it's a weak and unnecessary adverb. The best way to use an adverb is to bring clarity to a response that means something different from what is commonly interpreted. For example, "'You're ugly!' she said, jokingly." In here, the word "jokingly" is vital because without it, people might think that the speaker is criticising the one she's talking to. However, in your quote,^ the reader could just assume it was rhetorical.
-Second Highlight: change the word "that" to "and had."
-Third Highlight:This just my take but Cecilia could've used this in defence of her goal. I mean, isn't it suspicious that it appeared out of nowhere? Like it's waiting to be found? No pressure on this one, though. It's your choice as a writer because Cecilia is a human with a lot of thoughts in her mind. She might not have thought of it at that moment.
The higher floor had Prof. Kamui’s holotable in the center where he monitors the camp’s condition and share information with other refugees, potted plants in the corners, and a bed on the left of the room.
-Aside from adding "s" on the word "share," my grammar issue towards the highlighted part is the parallelism(if you're not familiar with this, you can google it and the concept is really easy to understand). All italicised words are verbs while the underlined ones are nouns. You should choose what kind of word you'll be using for a much coherent flow.
Cecilia shrunk the document in her hand and threw it into her holowatch.“I’m leaving the front-lines, I’m going to look for him,” she turned her back to Ren and Prof. Kamui and walked off.
-I'm starting to love this watch more and more.
-It should be a full stop instead of a comma.
Of course this wasn’t the best course of action, but what they were doing now wasn’t getting them anywhere.
-Saying it like this implies that she does know what the best course of action was (which she doesn't). She should just say she wasn't sure.
She wanted nothing more than to just turn around and shout [b]in his face.
*at not in
“If you won’t help me search for him, then I’ll go alone. It’s only a matter of time before the people died from the cold or committed suicide anyways,” she turned her back and walked away.
-Because of the word "before" (in the context, it pertained to the future), "committed" and "died" should be in present tense. Why not use future tense? Um. I don't know why but it's stated here Drop by the "Before with present tenses" heading.
“It’s not my holotable, and I didn’t name it.”
-Please remove the comma.
Cecilia gave Prof. Kamui a weird look, but he shrugged it off and smiled innocently.
-Did you mean "he shrugged it off by smiling innocently"?
It wasn’t any that she recognized, and she found the reason why.
-Did you mean "it wasn't anything that she recognized"?
-Also, no comma after recognized.
Holding off the front lines? Defending wave after waves of hell-spawns for three years without obtaining new knowledge? To survive off whatever remaining scrap was still edible and technology with oh-so-little battery? Surely they must realize they were only delaying the inevitable.
-Compared to the prior chapter, her thoughts here were much more reasonable.
-It gave such an attack on titan vibe (not entirely similar, but still)
-They must also have some great batteries (or large supplies) to power up all their technology for years.
Love the building up here! I also won't place notes about the characters and world building anymore because you did say that you've finished writing the chapters. Though, if you do want them, just tell me! I made a table to keep track haha.
If I phrased things offensively, do tell me so I won't make the same mistake again and I apologise in advance! Keep writing❤️
Come by Katteelog if you want some sweet reviews <3.
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