Hello Comrade!
There's plenty of reviews already so i'll keep this brief, most of this will just be comments but i will try and give advice where i can. Also i am caught up i did just read the first chapter.
“Ms. Asa, procedure states when entering the--”
“Shut it,” She interrupted and rushed off.
Dudes just trying to his job Cecilia.
She pulled up her holowatch that was strapped around her wrist and tapped it twice, making a holographic computer screen with a message pop out. A nifty A.R (augmented reality) holographic device with the capabilities of a computer and phone condensed into a watch.
Basically, an Apple Watch®
“Right, you two have never met her before, have you?” Azel reached down to pet her adorable kids.
Azel's adorable kids, is not a very good way of describing them. If you really want to describe them as adorable your're going to want to describe them by their traits; what makes them adorable, if you don't want to do this then the adorable part is unnecessary. Also 'pet' is probably not the best choice of words as it is more often referred to an animal, pat would be better; then again you would probably have to add more specifics. Its up to you how you do this, so if you don't really like these suggestions, ignore them.
Yes, the front-lines was the last place anyone wanted to be at. The strong and confident are always the first to die. The weak and cowardly flee when there is no one to help them. Maybe that was why humanity was in the state they were in now- at the brink of extinction. Who could blame them? Between hellhounds of various sizes, balrogs as big as houses, succubus, gargoyles, and zombies.
Big finishing info dump here, which is fine. it starts with yes, like your telling us this. I picked up on it mainly because i'm unaccustomed to the 3rd person omniscient writing style that your using. another thing is your mentioning all these creatures like balrogs which we have no idea what they are like. I can guess for the others but i have no idea what a balrog is, so it would be better to introduce this creature in detail and description later in the story. So using a term like horrifying abominations or monsters or something here to describe the hostile world would be best and be better at creating some tension.
the smart people either chose to not to not exist or die to save themselves the struggle
One more thing (sorry if this is long): you said people either chose to not to not exist or die to save themselves... even after reading this sentence 5 or 6 times it still makes no sense. i had a look at other reviews after you updated this and saw that you did have "to not be born or died" before. so maybe it was just a mistake in editing.
overall a nice fun to read bite sized chapter... or chapter part. anyway there is enough reviews on here already so i'm out. i am about to go read the next chapters and if i notice anything that hasn't been reviewed i will make sure i leave a review there.
Keep Writing!
-brotherGeo
Points: 1460
Reviews: 64
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