Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language, violence, and mature content.
(Updated)
There was a sudden ground crumbling boom, followed by a high-pitch whistling through the sky, and once more another ground crumbling crack within the walls of Morrow. The gate of Morrow was the only way in and out of the refuge, and now there was a hole in front of it in the middle of the drive-thru. A small crater to be exact, but a hole nonetheless. Nearby soldiers rushed over with their guns pointed at the cloud of smoke, and those magically gifted surrounded the pit with spells prepared; fireballs, electricity, transformation, a lot of mystical persuasions really. From the smoke of the rubble, the silhouette of a girl in a cloak appeared. Thankfully the hood was down so everyone could identify a familiar wavy Asian bob-cut.
“It’s Cecilia!” One of the soldiers yelled. Everyone immediately lowered their weapons or stopped channeling their magical powers.
“Ms. Asa, procedure states when entering the--”
“Shut it,” She interrupted and rushed off.
Just like that, everyone in the refuge knew she was here. There was no other friendly powerful enough to create such a scene with just their appearance alone. The heads of sick and starving refugees trying to stay warm near bonfires and blankets followed her. The magically gifted lined up as she passed, honoring her presence.
Along the way, she spotted Azel in the usual spot. Under the tree nearest to the gates of Morrow, teaching and distracting the kids whose parents left for duties outside the safety of the refuge.
“Azel!” Cecilia called to get her attention. She pulled up her holowatch that was strapped around her wrist and tapped it twice, making a holographic computer screen with a message pop out. A nifty A.R (augmented reality) holographic device with the capabilities of a computer and phone condensed into a watch.
“Is it true?” Cecilia raised the message on her watch for Azel to see. “Did Ren really find him?”
“I-I don’t know...he didn’t tell me anything,” she stuttered.
“Well then, where’s Ren?”
Azel batted her eye at a four story cylindrical building (Not including the ground floor) with tinted windows, the center of operations for the refuge. It was a bit run down and damaged, but strong enough to itself from collapsing. With any luck, it will stand for another year without maintenance.
Without any time to waste, Cecilia took off to find her brother.
“Mom?” Zeke went and clung to her dress. “Who was that?
“That was your aunty. Daddy’s little sister,” Azel responded.
“Papa’s sister?” Maggie clung on the other side of her mother’s dress.
“Right, you two have never met her before, have you?” Azel reached down to pat her kids.
“How come?” Maggie, acting like the child she is, was pulling her mouth to one side with her pointer finger in her mouth as she looked up at her mother.
“Because she’s the one keeping us safe.”
Yes, the front-lines was the last place anyone wanted to be at. The strong and confident are always the first to die. The weak and cowardly flee when there is no one to help them. Maybe that was why humanity was in the state they were in now- at the brink of extinction. Who could blame them? Between hellhounds of various sizes, succubus, gargoyles, zombies, and other deadly creatures of myth; the smart people either chose not to exist or die to save themselves the struggle.
People said that hell had arrived on Earth, that hell had come to kill everyone.
Cecilia disagreed. As far as she was concerned, everyone was already long dead before hell arrived.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,804 Reviews
Hello Comrade!
There's plenty of reviews already so i'll keep this brief, most of this will just be comments but i will try and give advice where i can. Also i am caught up i did just read the first chapter.
Dudes just trying to his job Cecilia.
Basically, an Apple Watch®
Azel's adorable kids, is not a very good way of describing them. If you really want to describe them as adorable your're going to want to describe them by their traits; what makes them adorable, if you don't want to do this then the adorable part is unnecessary. Also 'pet' is probably not the best choice of words as it is more often referred to an animal, pat would be better; then again you would probably have to add more specifics. Its up to you how you do this, so if you don't really like these suggestions, ignore them.
Big finishing info dump here, which is fine. it starts with yes, like your telling us this. I picked up on it mainly because i'm unaccustomed to the 3rd person omniscient writing style that your using. another thing is your mentioning all these creatures like balrogs which we have no idea what they are like. I can guess for the others but i have no idea what a balrog is, so it would be better to introduce this creature in detail and description later in the story. So using a term like horrifying abominations or monsters or something here to describe the hostile world would be best and be better at creating some tension.
One more thing (sorry if this is long): you said people either chose to not to not exist or die to save themselves... even after reading this sentence 5 or 6 times it still makes no sense. i had a look at other reviews after you updated this and saw that you did have "to not be born or died" before. so maybe it was just a mistake in editing.
overall a nice fun to read bite sized chapter... or chapter part. anyway there is enough reviews on here already so i'm out. i am about to go read the next chapters and if i notice anything that hasn't been reviewed i will make sure i leave a review there.
Keep Writing!
-brotherGeo
Hi brotherGeo! Thanks for the review! Especially that last one that you quoted. I haven't looked back since the last review, so thank you for pointing that out! Always happy to fix up things I overlooked.
Hello again!
Wow, your post shrunk from about seventeen pages to two. Not to mention that there's very little things to critique.
I'll start with your ending (I think that's the only essential issue I'll be addressing in your chapter so…)
-First highlight: I really didn't get the point. It was quite smart for them to use "the strong and confident" in the front-lines because using weak people is downright mass suicide. I mean, eventually, when every weak person dies from being a front-liner, strong people would have to face these hellhounds + Sins.
-Second highlight: Judging from the way Cecilia thinks in chapter 2.2, I don't think most (if not all) magically-inclined people choose to become a front-liner because they wanted to die. In fact, they wanted to protect the people in the Morrow (what's Oath by the way?). Or, another possibility would be because they had no choice? Only a few are strong so it's their responsibility to defend and protect everyone else, right?
-When we look at the situation they had "before hell came (climate change + monsters)," it's just the same situation we have right now? Only that they're way more advanced? So what did she mean by the highlighted part?
- is she keeping a secret from them?
Now for a few nitpicks:
-Do you mean, "the ground crumbled, forming a crack"?
-use "the" instead of "a" in the word before "ground." The ground that's shaking isn't technically just any ground, it's the ground that they're on.
-I wonder what kind of wall this is because a hellhound with a size similar to a cruiser couldn't break through.
-I think, you mean "the hole was in the wall[it]"
-You're missing a noun after the word "friendly."
-Do you mean stood up straighter? Weren't they standing in the first place? Won't they be considered lazy if they weren't because they were like soldiers who guard and monitor, right?
-The phrasing is a bit awkward. I suggest, "to withstand external forces" or "to keep itself from collapsing."
-First highlight: I think I'm not fond of the phrasing "to not." It feels awkward to read, I guess. Perhaps you could change it to "To never exist"? I realised that the whole phrase doesn't really go with the word "chose." No one can just choose to never exist. Do you mean wish/hope?
-Second highlight: the word "died" should be in present tense. From the phrase "either choose to," anything that comes after the word "to" must be in present tense. I mean, it's not directly after the word "to" but it is.
Inquiries:
-I thought their mum was Amy? Is this one of the plot changes you were telling me about? Or the truth was being concealed?
-If it's a plot change, does that mean Azel is not barren anymore?
That's about it for now. There's not much to say about the current world building, except the cool holowatch!! Your description about it was really easy to understand. I also can't really say anything about Cecilia because this barely gave us a glimpse of who she really is and more focused on her reputation in Morrow.
Keep writing!
Hi Kattee! To address some questions or concerns that you might have had in the rest of chapter two. I'm going to respond to them on the respective parts so it's less confusing. Just the story elements of course. Wording and grammar will be reviewed. But before getting to that, I want to thank you again for your reaction and the massive review. It really lets me know that the review is genuine and not simply a quick skim for points.
1. I'm sure you already know, but this story being told is already set-in-motion. A lot of information that could/should be known is going to come from a prequel, or bits and pieces of small clues littered throughout the entire story. Which, btw that prequel is currently incomplete and not updated for quite some time on YWS. I'm still trying to figure things out, but one story at a time.
2. From the top going down. War is a very complicated activity that involves a lot of chaotic. Especially the way this war started which is mentioned at the last chapter of the prequel (Not uploaded). There's also going to be a mention of it in a future chapter. I won't spoil it for you, but the wording and reasoning of Cecilia's personal opinion is based entirely off of that event.
3. Oath was the name of the camp before I set my mind on Morrow.It's in the updated chapter 1, so don't worry about the name.
You are correct, they are indeed not forced, nor are they seeking to die. They are doing it out of the responsibility of protecting what they have left. Theoretically, if the choice is given, no one would take up the responsibility with such a high death chance. If such a choice was given, no one would be strong because they would have no experience. As such, the proper outcome is that everyone dies.
Life thou art a heartless bitch. There's a reason why they're taking up that mantle of responsibility, and that comes from the prequel. Already there are hints (Though not enough to come to a conclusion) in this first section.
4. It's a personal opinion and hint to her past, which also means the prequel. Without it, it's a shroud of mystery for the readers such as yourself to leave you wondering.
5. No, there was definitely a ground crumbling crack before she landed. I will be editing this part so from my lack of descriptions.
6. Hint, hint, it has something to do with holding the front lines. And no, she did not land in the gate. She came from above and landed inside the camp.
7. Friendly, is the noun. Just being a bit free and loose with my writing. We're story-writers, not grammar police.
8. Another edit for my lack of description.
9. The three of them, Amy, Ren, and Azel have a very complicated relationship that will be revealed later in the story. It is also in the prequel, but I am not satisfied with the revisions, nor do I have the points to upload them all.
OH. You have a prequel!? sksksksks
How cruel
Sorry about #7 . And if you have problems with points, I'd GLADLY GIVE YOU SOME OF MINE.
Yup, there's a prequel. It's called "The Wrong Era." As far as I know, I think the ones on YWS are the ones I'm satisfied with. Though I'm not sure if they've been updated. Regardless, I plan on working on the prequel if I ever complete "The Successor."
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Anyone on to the two parts that are in the green room.
First Impression: Well this was a much more bite sized segment. Much easier to review so that's a good decision you made. It was a pretty interesting segment again and it seems like there is quite the collection of monsters and powers here.
Anyway let's get to it,
Okay is that rumbling? Because crumbling doesn't make a lot of sense in that context. And that list of magical powers, while pretty awesome is a bit too long. It sounds like you're just listing off a bunch of powers for the benefit of us the readers so that we know what sort of powers exist in that universe.
That's a pretty cool piece of technology that you've come up with there. One small problem is that when you insert such a large info dump just into the middle of the story like that it really breaks up the flow. It's like we're watching this amazing tv show about this post apocalyptic world and suddenly there's a commercial for a holowatch.
This continued him is getting more and more mysterious now.
That last part sounds like a thought by Azel which comes a little out of the blue there. I think you should italicize so that it's clearer.
Ohh this is such an amazing sounding plot.
That's one heck of an ending line right there.
And that's it for this chapter.
Overall: This is a great little segment. We learn quite a bit about the story. Not much development in terms of the characters but then this is still the first segment so that's okay.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
I really like the story so far! Good job with the tone of this piece- ominous and straightforward.
A grammar mistake (small, but still noticeable):
There's no verb in this sentence, so not only is it grammatically incorrect, but it's a little wordy. I would replace it with something like:
(I don't think the bob cut part is exactly necessary if she is wearing a cloak? If you think it is, it should be easy to add in)
The second thing is just stylistic- and since your writing style is very matter-of-fact(not a bad thing), these are up to personal preference.
To me, this entire section seems a bit too wordy and unnecessary. You could probably replace this section with a shorter description of the holowatch- as a reader, this part seemed a bit rant-ish?
I absolutely love the ending- it's really solid and powerful. Great job- I hope to read some more soon
Hello! Thanks for the review!
The hair description there was to give the reader a piece of information to the character's appearance. I did not mention that despite wearing the cloak, Cecilia didn't have the hood on, so that was my mistake.
The description with the holowatch section is more than just simply describing it. It's providing a hint of historical impact prior to the setting it is currently in. I will try my best to shorten it without losing its intended purpose.
Thanks again for the review!
Oh- that makes sense! Again, great job on writing this