z

Young Writers Society



Homerise

by Megrim


The homelight spills across the moon’s rocky, craggy surface. I’ve never seen homerise before, and as the bright blue planet lifts above the horizon, I’m sorry I didn’t visit our moon sooner. Clouds cover the continents, but I can make out the lights of Aris City along the coast. I try not to think about the bomb craters around it.

What I wouldn’t give to watch the homerise every morning. I wonder if it changes with the seasons. But I doubt I’ll ever find out.

Maybe I’ll be one of the lucky ones. Not every Starcruiser is shot down. They say one in ten makes it through. And then maybe I can come back one day, watch the homerise of a free world. If there’s anything left.

A hundred of us shuffle through the boarding gate. Lights move among the stars overhead, and I know they aren’t satellites. The last fighter escorts make a low pass over the Starcruiser. They’re all that’s left.

I follow behind a teenage girl, down the rows of dark, cramped seats to our own. There are no windows, only harnesses and emergency lights. And after we lift free of the gravity, there’s no way to know how close they are. I close my eyes and imagine seeing the homerise again someday.

Not every Starcruiser is shot down.


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13 Reviews


Points: 7
Reviews: 13

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Thu Oct 06, 2016 6:06 am
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Haiimthomas wrote a review...



Hello! Thomas here!

I really like what you have done! I have never tried flash fiction nor was i planning to but you make it look extremely appealing, so i just might now :D

I loved the ending, very powerful! also i love the theme, the whole outer space idea is very cool as well as intriguing.

Your writing is very good, descriptive! nicely done!

Since i haven't written flash fiction i don't really know what's right and what's wrong but from what i have read i really enjoyed :)

Look forward to reading more from you!

~Thomas~




Megrim says...


Thanks for the review! I only started writing FF recently myself. It's a strange world, for sure! Very different to long form writing :S



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277 Reviews


Points: 1335
Reviews: 277

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Wed Oct 05, 2016 10:44 pm
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Charm wrote a review...



Hey! I'm here to review your work!

Firstly, Grammar:

There are no windows, only harnesses and emergency lights.

There are no windows, only harnesses, and emergency lights.

This is called an oxford comma and it's not necessary but I really like them. I feel like they look better and read better. Anyway, you don't have to put this comma in, but I recommend it.

Now onto What I Thought About the Story:

I LOVED this! I wish I could write flash-fiction, and trust me, I've tried (and I'm going to try again). The last sentence was really, really strong. It just ended the piece perfectly. I love how you write about the city and bombs craters around it. It really sets the scene of a city under some sort of war. The imagery was amazing for a short story (well, actually, any story).

I honestly tried to review this, but like, this is just woah,
marmalade




Megrim says...


Thanks! Glad you enjoyed it.



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641 Reviews


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Reviews: 641

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Wed Oct 05, 2016 2:01 pm
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Panikos says...



I loved this. You did well to capture a snapshot of something that could easily have become long and rambling, and I love the brevity of it. Lovely last line, too.




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1081 Reviews


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Wed Oct 05, 2016 2:46 am
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Virgil wrote a review...



This is Kaos here for a review!

I liked the concept of this flash fiction but for me it didn't really come full circle. It kind of felt as if you were trying to shove all the details in so that we would understand the context but then it becomes more of a short and dense piece that I think could flow better as a narrative if you decided to change a few things.

The narrative for me was a bit bland and it's something that'll affect it because of it being so short that the characters aren't really something that can be developed but what can be is the voice, the imagery, and all the things that you don't have to take /time/ to develop. I thought some of the information given by the narrator doesn't really seem relevant to the story, like what the city is, or something like that. That could be replaced for something else, I think.

Since the piece is rather short I suggest strengthening your descriptions and imagery here because you /can/ and if you do it will make it overall stronger. What I do most of the time is go through and pick out all the words that aren't as strong and replace them with better synonyms. Another thing that would help with descriptions is giving us more. What do the craters look like, are they shallow, deep? Is the planet large in comparison to the narrator and where they are? Give us a bit more.

Some of the lines read a little awkward, things like:

What I wouldn’t give to watch the homerise every morning. I wonder if it changes with the seasons. But I doubt I’ll ever find out.


This could be put into two sentences if you put a comma after "seasons" and it would flow better.

I’ve never seen homerise before, and as the bright blue planet lifts above the horizon, I’m sorry I didn’t visit our moon sooner.


This line felt a little awkward and I feel I knew what you were trying to go for but it didn't quite capture it. Maybe you should change it to "it makes me sorry I didn't visit our moon sooner" to make it flow more. How to know? Read it aloud and see if anything is a little off or sounds off.


What I also liked about this is how you took something about space and kind of applied a real and human theme to it, which was hope, or at least that's what I got out of it. I like when science fiction or fantasy isn't directly about spaceships or dragons or anything of that sort, I enjoy it much more when there is still human problems in these worlds, and you captured that.

I hope I helped and have a great day!




Megrim says...


What are some examples of words you'd replace with stronger synonyms here?



Virgil says...


Some simple things like "dark" and the description of the planet could be or have a bit more. More about the homerise and homelight, tell us more about them. The craters of the moon and how they look. Make it vivid for the reader with each detail, as you can give each paragraph more attention, opposed to a larger project where descriptions are more in between.




A memorandum isn't written to inform the receiver, but to protect the writer.
— Dean Acheson