When the last orange rays sank below the horizon, a hooded figure lifted a fiddle to its chin and drew out the first slow notes. A skeletal hand disturbed the loose soil by a headstone.
The tempo quickened—notes dancing on the autumn air, swirling through dry leaves. More graves stirred. Pale skulls broke through the dirt, shoulders lifting, hauling themselves up as soil cascaded off in thick clumps. The hooded figure strolled between them, wakening, beckoning.
The skeletons followed, sluggish at first, then their steps loosening. Light and free, in time with the rhythm. The song rose in pitch, drifting up to the new moon.
A bride found her gentleman, her yellowed wedding dress dragging on the ground, his funeral suit stiff and unworn in life. They twirled to the melody.
A set of dancers formed a chain, spinning in pairs down the center. The fiddler paced behind them. A hunched grandfather held his hand out to a shy girl in a blue dress, their bony fingers clasping together as her expressionless jaw opened in delight. Starlight glimmered on the white figures as they whirled and pivoted to the quick, bouncing tune.
Unnoticed, a newcomer hovered by the old stone gate. Flesh and blood, warm with skin and life and breath. Her eyes narrowed, a necklace of charms dangling from one hand, a carved staff in the other. A young skeleton spotted her. Extended his hand for a dance.
“Begone, spirits! Leave this town!” Her staff hit the ground. A flash of light. The last note squawked on the air, cut off.
When everything settled, the graveyard was at peace.
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140,084 Literary Works • 672,994 Reviews
Greetings once again from The Swordsman!!!
Interesting how selecting two random pieces from the Green Room has gotten me the same author. Interesting.
Anyway!
This was an interesting piece. I have to say that while the descriptions were great, really gave me a picture of what was going on...I couldn't really understand, what I was seeing. I understand that there is a person playing the violin and a graveyard has come to life with dancing like that of when they were living. Then it's over because one person said it was over.
Why was the person with the violin calling up these skeletons in the first place? What was the purpose? Just to have a dance in the graveyard? There is a conclusion to this piece but I feel like it was just cut off as it was getting good. The skeleton that saw the living woman offered a hand to dance so they mustn't be the evil, destroy everything skeletons so why are they being called on?
These are just things that I really couldn't find and answer to after reading through a few times.
But I did like the story and I hope to read more from you in the future.
Happy Writing!!!
The ending is really abrupt and unexplained... wasn't sure if it could still work, but I ought to explain more I think!
Hello! herbgirl here for a review!
I really liked this piece! You had some fantastic imagery in it, and painted a beautiful, haunting scene with your descriptions of the graveyard. It reminded about some short films I've seen about La Dia De Los Muertos.
I do have a few suggestions for this piece, however. First, I encourage you to use more imagery, and show what you mean, instead of telling. For example, instead of saying "pale skulls broke through the dirt", you could say "Pale, skinless heads broke through the dirt." This is just my opinion, and the story is already very nice, so it's not really that important, but I think it would help. I also suggest using the word "skeleton" or "skeletal" as little as possible.
It would help give more of an air of mystery to the graveyard, because although your imagery could help the audience visualize the situation, you would never come right out and say "the skeletons". Try substituting other words that could have the same effect, like "bony", or "ancient".
Another suggestion I have would be to include more description of the newcomer who rids the graveyard of the skeletons. Does she, too, appear skeletal? Why does she want to rid the graveyard of the skeletons? What is she wearing?
Finally, I'm not sure the last line goes with the rest of the short. When I think of peace I think of the absence of violence, but it did not appear to me that the skeleton dance was a violence that needed to be removed. If you want it to give more of this effect, I suggest adding more figurative language to make the dance seem frightening.
Anyways, sorry if this review seemed a little nitpicky. I realize these are very small suggestions, but in all honesty, I really liked this piece, and if you feel these changes are not necessary, please ignore them.
Thanks for the read!
herbgirl
Thanks for the review!