The stopwatch’s hand stutters and jerks, and when it settles, the morning light has been replaced with late afternoon. Thirty-first century farms stretch around me, tiers of soil suspended on anti-grav platforms, peaceful in the minutes before the sabotage. Everything is automated, no workers in sight.
The target should be on a second-level tier, hiding from the agency after countless jumps. Whoever tracked her position sent the coordinates back to us so we could intervene. The whole chase has been a mess of tangled paths through time.
Following a hunch, I make my way to the textile plants. It’s where I’d hide, with the long, swaying stalks to obscure me from view, and the artificial microfibers to interfere with sensors.
The mission briefing said nothing about her motives, but I can understand the desire to do more—to expose the Aristocracy’s self-serving plan, to prevent the Famine Riots. It’s tough watching it all from the sidelines. But that’s part of the job we signed up for.
The soft leaves brush me as I pass. I’m supposed to investigate the storage units, but I move toward the water tanks instead, on instinct. There’s only enough time to check one before she jumps again.
My guess is right. I can see the dark blue suit a few meters away, crouched by one of the tanks. And as soon as she turns her head, I realize there’s been a mistake with the assignments.
This mission wasn’t meant for me. I’m the target.
I back away before she sees, my thoughts a jumble. How could I ever go rogue?
“I know you’re there,” she says. “I remember.”
I freeze. Of course she knows I’m there. She’s me.
“Come here. I have something for you.” She holds out a device. “It’s a memory core. Has the bunker locations of the Aristocracy.”
I step out of the stalks, my heart quickening. She knows where to find them? With that knowledge, we could flush them out, overthrow their tyrannical reign.
“I’ve been through the first half,” she says. “I can keep the agency distracted while you get the rest.”
I take the memory core, small and simple considering the world-altering information it contains. What she’s suggesting goes so much farther than stopping this one sabotage. I imagine a century of famine and desperation, erased.
I meet her gaze. “Then what happens?”
She grins, a smile I recognize from the mirror. “Then we rewrite history.”
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140,079 Literary Works • 673,000 Reviews
I say the best writing is the kind that makes other writers inspired. After reading the first 3 paragraphs mind went racing into the direction and where I would be by the end and I wasn't disappointing. Had me hooked and I now I want to know the beginning and the end the story you plainly give the reader to interpret themselves. Good eye for imagination and understanding which part is the best to make as entertaining for the reader.
One thing I will say is that the tense is not a popular one among readers. You keep it short so there no way for readers to get lost but if you plan on extending the story I would consider switching over to past tense but keeping it 1st-person. grammatically everything is sound and I had no issues following along despite my dejection of the present tense.
Good-work, nice sci-fi theme, year 3000 is good, nice and distant if you want to build but amazing short. Keep it up!
Thanks for the review!
Greetings from The Swordsman!!!!
This was a truly unique piece. Granted it is a well used idea, meeting yourself from another timeline, but you put a really fresh twist on it. There is no needing to convince her previous self about what she has to do. She already knows. A small rebellion of one entity that is jumping through time to meet her other selves to stop a terrible wrong.
The only thing I have to address is maybe...maybe a little more staggering in your pacing. For instance. When the main character suddenly realizes that she is the target that she has been sent after you have a line that says, "This mission wasn’t meant for me. I’m the target." Put these on separate lines. It draws out the suspense just a little more and really nails home the idea that things are about to change.
This almost seems like it should be the start of a much longer story. Like this is where the beginning happens that starts an entire story of rebellion through the eyes of this past main character. But that is just me. I realize this is a flash fiction. It's just the feeling I got from it.
Your descriptions were very well written. You showed us rather and told us, which I always find good. You mention that a textile plant has swaying stalks and microfibers by saying how they can mess with what is happening in the story. It really draws us into the tale that you're spinning for us.
Thanks for the read!! I look forward to seeing more from you!
Happy Writing!!!!
Alas, there is no more. But I guess that means it did a good job, since it made it seem like it could fill out a whole story
Wow! I would like to start by saying I loved reading this, right from the beginning it caught my attention.
It has a wonderful mystery to it and pulls the reader right in. I would like to say I personally love (unless I missed it) that you don't reveal the identity of the person whose perspective you are writing from, it adds just that extra bit of depth and unknown.
For Critiques:
"Thirty-first century" Should be "Thirty-first-century" It helps the flow of the sentence structure.
"I freeze. Of course she knows I’m there. She’s me." Should be, "I freeze. Of course, she knows I’m there. She’s me." The comma helps emphasize it.
All in all, I loved it! You should consider turning this into a story! If you do let me know, I would definitely read it.
Happy writing to you!