In spring, yellow petals bloom over the branches. He’s holding an armful of produce the first time she sees him, as he pauses to dance through the mud between the roots. His grin beams like sunshine against his dark skin. She splashes alongside him, laughing, an ungainly jig to the birdsong overhead.
In summer, stars shine through the shadowy leaves. He waits with his back against the trunk. They meet long after the sun has gone to bed, and clasp hands in a mischievous foxtrot through the dandelions.
In autumn, dry leaves drift on the chilly breeze. They need to be more careful. Whispers of gossip have reached the other socialites. She embraces him under the early sunset, a slow waltz as the temperature falls.
In winter, the first frost coats the ground, and rope curls around one bare branch. She weeps somewhere far away. He twists in the wind, never to dance again.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
140,084 Literary Works • 672,994 Reviews
"Produce" isn't really striking imagery for me. To really capture, I would really use a more explicit term, like "fruit" or "fresh groceries".
Here, "dark skin" contrasts the brightness of the opening paragraph, and I'm not sure if that was your intention. Maybe it fits, because it symbolizes that despite the light around him, this character still does have a certain shadowy nature around him...but I don't know if that was your intention. It is interesting, though.
Mischievous foxtrot...I like that a lot.
Maybe you could use something more dramatic to describe the drop of the temperature? "Falls" doesn't leave much of an impression either way. "Plummets" does. You don't need to overpower the story by replacing everything with from a thesaurus, but here I think it would help.
This is an interesting idea, and you have a strong sense of power in your word choice that I appreciate. It's very poetic, in a lot of ways, everything is poised and flows nicely one word to another. Really good piece of writing, well done.
Thanks for the review! The "dark skin" is actually because the character is black, which probably makes the whole story make a lot more sense! Glad you enjoyed it.
Hey, I'm here to review for the third time.
Okay, so I'm going to view this as a whole. From what I've seen, the paragraphs aren't balanced in length. This does not mean it is a bad thing - short stories are bound to have long-and-short paragraphs, but this one is a special case. For one, it is a flash fiction. Two, each paragraph contains a type of season as well as what happens for involved characters in it.
And so, each paragraph has to be equally powerful. Just as the first describes the characters' actions and relate them to said season, the next one should emulate it to convey as much strength as the first. However, they are too much components to be considered here; the seasons, the type of dances (information exclusive to those who have researched it) and the progress of the characters' relationship. Maybe this is a type of short story under 500? Don't be scared of putting more length if it can improve your story.
Regardless, there is a sense of beauty you're trying to capture here. The journey of being happy to being sad is too big to be encompassed in a flash fiction, but it is a valiant effort nonetheless. The third paragraph in particular mentions about 'socialites', a term that draws readers' attention and in need of some explaining how it fits into the story. Are they those who would oppose the characters' relationship, based on - what? Race, religion, etc.? What can they do to them? Questions, questions.
And that is all! Keep up the good job!
Thanks for all the reviews! For this one, which paragraph in particular did you feel wasn't as powerful, or was too short/long? And yes, you are right that this is intended to be microfiction, a subset of flash that's less than 300 words (some publications only take less than 150)!
I just knew it'd lead to something sad. ;-;