Forgotten Kiss

“What can I do for you today, sir?”

“Nothing specific. Just something… light. Cheerful.”

“This one is our most popular seller—a beach at sunset. I have a copy myself, and the sound of waves is very soothing at night.”

“Ah, I’m sure it’s lovely, but that’s not quite what I had in mind.”

“Oh! I think I get your meaning, sir. There’s a ‘lovers’ section in the back, quite a selection, for every taste. Everyone ought to have a few sensual memories tucked away for lonely nights, eh?”

“Oh—oh—that’s not at all what I meant! I’m so sorry. I don’t think you sell the sort of memories I was hoping for.”

“Wait. Wait… I misunderstood. What you’re looking for is rare to come by these days. But I do have something. One moment. Here, try this one.”

“What is it?”

“Just try it.”

“I don’t think… oh, wow. What is this? That creature?”

“They were called dogs.”

“What’s it doing? Why do I feel so… warm?”

“The licking is a sign of affection. You’re feeling the Rememberer’s love.”

“The tongue is so soft. Oh—oh! Haha, it’s licking my face! Where did you get such a thing?”

“Those memories are very unusual. I can’t sell you that one, because it’s my only copy. But… if you like it, a few of us meet every week, to share the ones we’ve collected.”

“I’d love to join! In fact, I might have a memory to share with you, too. Passed down from my father.”

“Oh? What sort?”

“Have you ever heard of strawberries?”

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Points: 4906
Reviews: 95

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Sun Oct 30, 2016 11:37 pm

Gymnast2801 wrote a review...

Hi there Megrim, it's Gymnast2801 stopping by with a review for The Black Cat Squad!

Ooo, this is very interesting! How I picture it is an old man as the main character and a middle-aged man as the sales man. It seems like a utopian world to me, but maybe I'm wrong here. Anyway, I've only found one thing to correct you on

- "You're feeling the Rememberer's love." -
I believe that 'love' is part of this...'title'? If so, it should be capitalized.

Otherwise, remarkable job! I like how you used the sales man's unknowing to get more information out of the main character. This is quite smart! The work flows nicely and word choice is great too!

Wonderful job and keep up the great writing work!
-Gymnast2801 for The Black Cat Squad.
https://i.kinja-img.com/gawker-media/im ... 60k129.jpg

Megrim says...

Thanks! Love the cat photo, btw ^^

Gymnast2801 says...

Your welcome and thanks ^_^ All credit goes to @Carlito

Points: 19607
Reviews: 383

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Sun Oct 30, 2016 3:48 am

Sujana wrote a review...

Interesting. Very, very interesting.

Since this is a flash fiction piece, I can't expect much to review from, but you've given me enough to contemplate over. I don't think there's much room to improve--you've executed this well, short enough to leave a mark, yet deep enough to suggest more under the surface. And that'll be for my more contemplative part of the review, so tune into that later on.

The Beginning

“What can I do for you today, sir?”

“Nothing specific. Just something… light. Cheerful.”

“This one is our most popular seller—a beach at sunset. I have a copy myself, and the sound of waves is very soothing at night.”

While this wasn't the most clear beginning, I thought it was clear enough. I originally thought this was going to be a story about recording soft sounds (ASMR and all that jazz) to relax oneself, but it's clear in the ending that it's actually about selling memories, which is a cool idea. I do feel like you could've pressed on that more by adding more than the sound senses--how about the roughness of the sand or the heat of the sun? That way the audience knows something else is going on here immediately, and that this isn't your ordinary store.

The Ending

“I’d love to join! In fact, I might have a memory to share with you, too. Passed down from my father.”

“Oh? What sort?”

“Have you ever heard of strawberries?”

I'm very, very curious as to what the main character means by that. Does he live in a world where people are nothing more than talking heads, and actual physical sensations, such as fruits or trees or water, don't exist? Does he live in a world where strawberries and dogs are a rarity? It's very interesting, and reveals a little bit about the world without straying away from the main point of the story--which is about memories. I think that that's a good technique for any writer, so I might store this in the back of my head. Good job.

Main Criticisms

-While the dialogue is a clear ping-pong match (back-and-forth talk, I mean), I feel as if the characters voices could've been more distinct. If I were to jump into the story randomly, I wouldn't know who was saying who. I personally think that if one can immediately tell whose talking just by looking at a line of dialogue, the character is three-dimensional and distinct in the readers' eyes. While it's not necessary, your work could've used this to differentiate between the two characters and leave more impact. It's not like the contrast has to be huge. You don't have to have a cynic vs idealist or evil vs good. Maybe one person speaks more laconically, maybe one person uses longer words, maybe one person always sounds cheery while the other sounds sad. Anything can go.

Main Praises

-Again, I like how you conveyed so much in a short amount of time. The title, I think, is especially fitting, because you think it's one thing and then it turns out to be a dog licking your face. It's a poignant subversion and I think it says that there's a lot more than one way to be happy other than romance, so it's a good change of pace.

Take care,

--Elliot.

Megrim says...

Yeah, I had more voicey dialogue for both them, but quite a bit of it to get under wordcount. I had a feeling I may have cut out too much of the voice for them...

Points: 25
Reviews: 472

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Mon Oct 10, 2016 4:08 am

Lightsong wrote a review...

Hey, I'm here again! xD

As usual, your flash fiction strives for uniqueness, the magical feeling that readers would love to have. It's portrayed nicely through A Moment of Perfection because of the visceral details served to us, but unfortunately, they are lacking in this piece. More elaboration is needed so that readers can immerse themselves in the reading with the aid of imagery.

Your dialogues are okay! They even portray the protagonist's embarrass and the seller's playfulness, so they help characterization. However, a better execution of them is to insert action, be it before the dialogue, during, or after. It helps to separate the characters from being compared with 'talking heads' where the heads are just talk, no action (lol reference).

Honestly, that's all I have to you. I advise you to go into a longer fan fiction, the sort that is lower than 1000 words rather than 500, because some of the scenes (such as this one) require longer execution to fully cover everything that would make it more well-rounded. As it is, you can capture the sadness in the concept of forgotten memories in contrast of the memories' loving content themselves.

And that is all! Keep up the good job!

Megrim says...

Thanks for the review! The aim of this one was an exercise in dialogue-only, to convey everything without the aid of tags and narrative.

Points: 575
Reviews: 193

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Thu Oct 06, 2016 2:52 am

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herbgirl says...

Ok, I wanted to give you a review, but honestly, this is fantastic! You encompass so much in such a short piece, ad you manage to really pull the reader in through your indirect characterization. I love this piece, and would really love to see a longer version some time!

Megrim says...

Thanks!

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Forgotten Kiss

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