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Young Writers Society


12+ Violence

Glorious Fantasy Ch.3: Maeve

by MeatBunCat


Why...do I keep...having to...run!

Other than shouting ‘hey’ at me, the group of humans from before didn’t chase me. I was tempted to follow them for awhile and see what I could learn. After all, I have no idea how this world works, other than those general summaries given to me before I was dragged in here. I don’t even know if any of that stuff is true. I mean, I look like the character I designed, but I cannot use the gravity magic I picked.

Womp!

Pain coursed through my body. I ran headlong into a tree while lost in my thoughts. Stupid tears, can’t get distracted. After my amazing escape from the doom kittens and those human adventurers only moments ago, I ran into a group of evil looking monkeys. They truly were monkeys in every sense of the word, but their fur was lined with metal spikes. There was an odd purple light surrounding their bodies. I run between the trees as best I can, ducking every time they grab at me from above. I have no idea what they want from me. But I would rather not find out.

I hear the wind around me shift, so I dive to the floor, a monkey's hand just barely missing me. I don’t know why but I could hear the wind move when anything got to close. My ears picking up on things enough to allow me to avoid these monkeys without looking.

As soon as I slam into the forest floor, I quickly roll to the left, a evil monkey slamming his fist into the spot I was only seconds ago, the force of the punch knocking dirt into the air.

That would have instantly killed me.

I force myself up, grabbing a stick from the ground as I quickly run, throwing it at the monkey as he starts moving towards me. The stick bounces harmlessly off it, yet It screeched before jumping back into the trees. Scary. This world is just too scary for someone as weak as me. Unable to do anything to them, I am just forced to run. I’ve seen no caves, no lakes, no signs of a town, without some shelter I’m going to die.

I quickly turn, shifting my weight to the right as another hand reaches for me, turning around and sprinting in the direction I just ran, a group of familiar voices arguing in that direction. The adventurers from earlier, they were arguing about me from the sounds of it.

“Look, we’ll just follow her for a bit and make sure she’s okay.” I heard Lore say. “No buts.”

“My plan would have been easier.” A hurt sounding Crux muttered, in a oddly booming voice.

I don’t know what you guys are planning, but I hope screaming monkeys were involved. I cry out, making sure they can hear me before I jump to the right, a monkey dive bombing my previous location.

“Already?! She just left.” Lore said as I rushed past her.

I lasted a whole three minutes, at least give me credit. It’s not my fault that everything wants to eat me.

I was tempted to run right through them, hoping they can handle the monkeys on their own, but then that Quill grabbed my arm, stopping as I was passing him by.

“You’re going to kill yourself if you keep running,” He muttered, after that he let go of my arm, a jewel encrusted bow staff appearing in his hands. “Just so you know, my plan was to knock you out. Don’t tempt me.”

I feel like he is joking, but, I don’t like this man.

Since I can’t escape I shift my eyes to Crux and Lore who both pull out swords, stabbing into the swarm of monkeys that had been dive bombing me in the trees only moments ago.

Why aren't they hiding in the trees?

Unable to think of an answer, I can only appreciate their fighting skills. Crux was like the wall I imagined him to be; his targets almost gravitating towards that shield of his, letting him slam into them before he cut them into two.

Lore was like a acrobatic dancer, she jumped in between the trees like gravity held no sway over her, carving up each of her targets with so many rapid slashes that they disintegrated under her barrage.

If they really wanted to stop me, I wouldn’t have gotten away. Was there even a point to me running?

The seemingly endless swarm that had been trying to kill me were gone in seconds, giving away their lives without even showing the tactics they had used only moments ago.

“Now then,” The black haired giant girl said, fire flowing out of her hands. She pointed them at the various corpses, fire quickly incinerating the remains. “Avery.”

I take a deep breath. “Yes?” I don’t know what they might do to me. Not only am I a Half-Alvear, the race most hated in this world, but after they let me go I led a bunch of-

The giant lady is hugging me again!

“*In public I’m* Curse, *with friends I’m, Maeve.*” She whispered, still hugging me into her chest, but it sounded like she was whispering gently in my ear. I could understand it, like English, yet I knew it was different. She was talking another language, probably, the language of the Alvear. She let me go, setting me on the ground before pulling back her hair, exposing her ears. Almost the same as a normal humans, just slightly elongated with a pointed top. Hardly worth mentioning, and any one can learn a new language, but I could see her point. She’s the same as me.

Nervous I decided to share my own ears, I don’t know why, but it feels like the right thing to do. When I designed this character, I didn’t really think about the ears much, I made them as long as I could possible make them while still being able to hide them behind hair. Perfect secret elf ears.

As I pulled back some hair, I found myself suddenly hugged again. "A first generation." I guess second generation means I'm a proper half-Alvear, while she might have a few more human ancestors? Curse was squeezing me into her chest tightly enough that it started hurting. “You must have had it so hard.” She whispered, letting me go again.

Not in this world, but I should probably play along to some extent. If I can paint the right picture, I can probably get away with my ignorance of the world.

“Well? Is she willing to stick around now?” Crux yelled, before running over to us, smiling, his oddly picturesque face painted with monster blood somehow didn’t scare me.

Now to start the painting. “I-I’m sorry,” I nervously mutter, the fear of failure making my speech all the more realistic in my mind. “I only escaped recently, and figured you guys were here to capture me again.” Since I read that most Alvear are slaves, let's start with the obvious.

“Of course not dear,” Lore pipped in. “We were just surprised, most escaped Alvear slaves make up a new name if they have enough sense to hid their ears.” That's a good point.

“W-well, before escaping,” I stop for dramatic effect. “I lived most of my life locked up in a room. I didn’t know any names, until you mentioned yours.” There, problems explained away.

Curse suddenly hugged me again. Whats with all the hugging?!

“Don’t worry, we’d never let you suffer like that again.” Curse whispered in my ear, I could feel her tears.

Hey, how tragic do you think my story is? I want to mellow it down, but there might be some magic truth reader that I don’t know about; Half truths are all I have. Maybe I could claim I spent most of my time studying?

“Quill, do you have a spare robe?” Lore said, while digging through a bag I didn’t see moments ago. Oh right, I’m almost naked aren't I? The rags I’m wearing aren’t all that appropriate.

“Of course I do, but why don’t you offer some of your clothes?”

“You know why.” Lore said, a few seconds later, Curse finally let me go, a massive robe quickly wrapped around me. Well, massive given how short I am now.

After that, they quickly set up a camp, tents, cooking wear, and all sorts of tools appearing from thin air around me, building a camp on the spot before I could process everything that was happening. After setting everything up Curse threw a fireball in the middle of the camp, the burning orb hovering there without any fuel as Crux walked over with the corpse of one of those evil monkeys. He quickly carved, cooked and served it like they had lived off of these monsters for years. I would have hesitated, but an overpowering sense of hunger filled me as soon as a plate of the meat was set in front of me.

Goodbye evil monkey, your flesh was delicious.

"Sorry about the robe, we'll start heading to town tomorrow," Lore said, offering me another plate as soon as I finished the first. "We'll get you some cute clothes then." 

Huh, "What are you planning to do with me?" I ask. 

"Don't worry dear, I would never abandon you." Lore said, patting my head. 

Eugh! Don't touch the head! I'm not a two year old. 

"Oh! That reminds me, we're going to have to give you a human name." Good idea Lore, but lets play ignorant. 

"Why?"

"Well, you're going to have to blend-" 

"Snow!" Crux suddenly yelled, "She's pale enough for it." 

"Why not Bait?" Quill pipped in, laughing "She draws monsters in easily enough." 

"Wouldn't Jinx fit better then?" Crux asked. 

"A birth name shouldn't fit anyway." Lore pipped in. "What about Echo?" 

They're just talking about me now. I want to name myself, but I don't know how naming works here. It seems like it's just words, but that's probably not all.

"My name's Quill and that fits me just fine," Quill argued, pointing dramatically at himself, before turning to me. "How about silver?" 

"I don't know?" What else can I say? 

"Mist then?" Crux offered while looking at me, "I mean that doesn't fit, but should sound nice." Good enough, I nod. "Ha, I win!" Crux half shouted. As if the whole process of naming me was a minor distraction they quickly shifted into another topic. Talking about the route back, gossip, new weapons, what they're going to do with their money. Since I didn't really have much context to work off of, it was all non-sense to me, just boring white noise that sent me gently to sleep. 

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Authors Note: Finally time to leave the forest of whats-its-name! 

David, Avery, Mist. I hope I don't confuse anyone with all the names I gave him/her! 

I hope you enjoyed the chapter!  \ ^.^ /


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Fri Feb 03, 2017 2:40 am
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Carlito wrote a review...



Hello again! :D Thanks for the extra insights you gave in your comments of my previous reviews, and I'll try to point out more specific grammar things in this chapter. So without further ado...

I was tempted to follow them for awhile and see what I could learn. After all, I have no idea how this world works, other than those general summaries given to me before I was dragged in here. I don’t even know if any of that stuff is true. I mean, I look like the character I designed, but I cannot use the gravity magic I picked.

Exactly what I brought up in the last chapter. I'm a little surprised she didn't want to attempt to learn from the humans before making her break. I get why she didn't, she's scared and acting on gut and impulse, but I'm glad she had a similar thought.
I don't know if any of that stuff is true - why wouldn't it be true? I'd like a little more of the thought process behind that anxiety.
I cannot use the gravity magic I picked - I remember that when she picked it, she wasn't really sure what it was, so why would she all of a sudden know how to use it when she got here? Also, has she really tried yet? She hasn't been here for that long and hasn't had much time to experiment with how to use her magic.

Pain coursed through my body. I ran headlong into a tree while lost in my thoughts. Stupid tears, can’t get distracted. After my amazing escape from the doom kittens and those human adventurers only moments ago, I ran into a group of evil looking monkeys.

This felt a bit fast. She ran into a tree and then a second later she runs into evil looking monkeys. When she gets up and tries to recover from the tree incident, does she see a bunch of evil monkeys looking down on her or something, or did the monkeys come farther along into her journey after recovering from the tree? I would like there to be more of a transition between these two events.

They truly were monkeys in every sense of the word, but their fur was lined with metal spikes. There was an odd purple light surrounding their bodies. I run between the trees as best I can, ducking every time they grab at me from above. I have no idea what they want from me. But I would rather not find out.

In the middle of this paragraph, you switch tenses. First you were in past tense, and then at "I run" you switch to present and stick with present for awhile. The beginning of this chapter has also been in past.

I don’t know why but I could hear the wind move when anything got to close.

Comma after "why". "Too" instead of "to".

My ears picking up on things enough to allow me to avoid these monkeys without looking.

"My ears picked up..."

That would have instantly killed me.

I'm still really curious to know what will happen if she dies in the game. Surely death in the game doesn't equal death in real life. My bet is still that dying is what gets you out of the game. I wonder what she thinks will happen if she dies.

I force myself up, grabbing a stick from the ground as I quickly run, throwing it at the monkey as he starts moving towards me. The stick bounces harmlessly off it, yet It screeched before jumping back into the trees.

If she's running while holding the stick and then I'm guessing turns to throw the stick, does she stay turned to watch what happens, all while still running? That's impressive if that's what happened. Otherwise, did she stop to throw and watch and then take off running again?
(Also, it - yet It screeched - doesn't need to be capitalized).

I quickly turn, shifting my weight to the right as another hand reaches for me, turning around and sprinting in the direction I just ran, a group of familiar voices arguing in that direction. The adventurers from earlier, they were arguing about me from the sounds of it.

The phrasing is a little off for me here. That first sentence has a lot of commas and she turns twice and the second sentence is a bit of a fragment. I would try reading it out loud and then rephrasing and restructuring - maybe something like:
"I shift my weight to the right as another hand reaches for me. I turn and sprint in the direction I just ran. Familiar voices, the adventurers from earlier, are arguing somewhere over there."
Try to think in short sentences, especially in these dramatic moments because that will make your reader read faster and speed up the intensity.

I don’t know what you guys are planning, but I hope screaming monkeys were involved.

Sometimes, like here, it's not super clear whether she's actually saying this to them, or if it's a thought. I'm guessing she doesn't actually say this because there are no quotation marks, but saying "what you guys are planning" makes it sound like she's talking to them.

I was tempted to run right through them, hoping they can handle the monkeys on their own, but then that Quill grabbed my arm, stopping as I was passing him by.

The phrasing gets a little funny here too. I'm not sure you need "on their own" and I think you could end the sentence there. Then I think you can simplify that second statement to something like "Quill grabbed my arm, preventing me from passing him by." With all of the commas and things as one big sentence I think it starts to sound a bit like a run-on and a bit passive.

If they really wanted to stop me, I wouldn’t have gotten away. Was there even a point to me running?

I'm not sure this is needed. It's a nice thought, but it breaks up the flow of the monkey fight drama.

“*In public I’m* Curse, *with friends I’m, Maeve.*”

The asterisks confused me. Is this to denote when she whispers and when she speaks in a regular voice, or to denote when she speaks a different language?

She whispered, still hugging me into her chest, but it sounded like she was whispering gently in my ear.

This is redundant - she whispered and then it sounded like she was whispering. You can cut after "her chest"

“W-well, before escaping,” I stop for dramatic effect. “I lived most of my life locked up in a room. I didn’t know any names, until you mentioned yours.” There, problems explained away.

I would like some internal monologue before this to show why she feels she needs to lie and make up this story? Is all about being in character or creating a character? Why not just say, hey I just found this video game and decided to give it a try and then I ended up here, can you tell me what the hell is going on? :p


Overall, another good chapter. I like that you're keeping the suspense and the drama going. Avery's motivations and decision making confuses me a little bit, but perhaps things will come into the light more for me as we continue :) I'm glad that the other characters came back because Avery is going to need some allies an some people to help her navigate this weird world. I thought it was really interesting that another one of them is also an Alvear too. I wonder if the other members of the group know that information.

You've done a really nice job creating the atmosphere of a game. I do feel like I'm inside this video game already, which is awesome. I'm looking forward to seeing this town and more of this world! I don't feel particularly connected to Avery yet. I think some of that is because, so far, it's been mostly action and mostly on the go trying to figure things out without a lot of introspection and connection to others. (That's what really helps me connect to characters). But, I think that will easily change as the story progresses and Avery gets to know her new comrades more.

In terms of the names, three is a bit much, but I think they all have a purpose. I've already long forgotten what her male name was (until you reminded us at the end with your list). I think as long as you're consistent about when and how you use the different names it'll be okay. And if you haven't used one of the names in a while (like if you've spent three chapters calling her Avery and in the next chapter she's Mist, maybe remind the reader that Avery = Mist in some fashion, just in case.

I'll leave things there for now and pop back over tomorrow for the next chapter! Let me know if you have any questions or if you would like feedback about something I didn't already mention in the meantime! :D




MeatBunCat says...


I remember that when she picked it, she wasn't really sure what it was, so why would she all of a sudden know how to use it when she got here?

When designing the character, he/she picked gravity magic, all that statement is meant to do is remind you of that, and explain that he/she has no idea how to use it. He/she does not use it here.

The asterisks confused me. Is this to denote when she whispers and when she speaks in a regular voice, or to denote when she speaks a different language?

As I try to explain right after, different language.

Thank you for your thoughts and grammar help once again!



MeatBunCat says...


P.S, Curse shows off her ears and exposes Avery's ears within the other party members view without them reacting much, yes they are aware of Curse also being a half breed. They are more surprised about how close to an actual half breed Avery is rather then what she is. I will have to explain that better I guess. Sorry for the confusion.



MeatBunCat says...


Oh I misunderstood the question, she/he assumed the magic would be easy as a video game to use, click something and have it all solved and answered in a few seconds after starting.



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Mon Jan 16, 2017 1:12 am
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Megrim wrote a review...



Onward we go! I don't have a whole ton to say about this chapter in particular. I liked the new characters a lot so I was rather less interested when our protag ran off and started dealing with a monkey threat instead--I was thinking to myself, "hey, I don't care about monkeys! I want the other characters back!" I'm glad to see that they DID come back and save her. Maybe shorten the bit with the monkeys?

I liked the banter between the characters, though I had a hard time keeping them all straight. I think you could give them more distinct "voices" in how they speak, and I wouldn't mind some extra reminders to pair the names with their appearances. For instance, I've already forgotten which one has the orange hair. I'm also still struggling to determine who they are and why they're together. I *think* they're natives, as opposed to other players, but it's a little hard to say.

Technique-wise, you could sharpen your prose, especially by avoiding "to be" verbs like was/were/being. Instead of repeating myself too much, I'll direct you to this article over on the forums: Verbs Are The New Adjectives

Cheers, see you in the next chapter!




MeatBunCat says...


Thank you for your thoughts!



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Sat Jan 14, 2017 2:14 am
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Aleta wrote a review...



Hey, it seemed like you might want a review on this so I decided to go for it. I will start with the grammar/nitpick things here.
~
I was even tempted to follow them for a while. See what I can learn.
Personally, this sentence would sound better if it was connected(also the even in there is unnecessary). Like this: I was tempted to follow them for awhile and see what I could learn.

After all, I have no idea how this world works, other than those general summaries gave me before I was dragged in here.
You say "gave me" in here. Just a simple little fix needed here. Ex: given to me by [name].

I mean, I look like the character I designed, but I can’t use any that gravity magic.
That is unnecessary here as well. *I cannot use any of the gravity magic would flow a bit better.

Womp
Instead of just leaving no punctuation here, either put a period after it or an exclamation point to emphasize the onomatopoeia.

I had some critique on the next paragraph, and I didn't want the review to be too long so I just kind of rewrote it to show you the things that could be fixed or maybe you could use it as an example or something.

*Pain coursed through my body. I ran headlong into a tree while lost in my thoughts. Tears? Right now? I can not be distracted, not this time. After my outstanding escape from the doom kittens and the human adventurers I encountered (at ....), I ran into a group of evil looking monkeys. They had the same shape *and everything*(what do you mean by and everything? Be more specific), but their fur was lined with metal spikes. There was a strange purple light encasing/surrounding their bodies. I run between the trees as best as I can, ducking every time they try grabbing at me from above. I have no idea what they want from me. But I would rather not find out.

a evil monkey
*an evil monkey

I force myself up, grabbing a stick from the ground as I quickly run, throwing it at the monkey as he starts moving towards me.

If the monkeys are powerful with metal spikes, is there an explanation for them being scared by a small stick? Maybe you should make something in the story the monkeys do not like. Such as a certain type of metal/glass. And then instead she flings that glass/metal at the monkey. That is just a suggestion though.

that bony Quill
Hmm...the way you sounded this is a bit awkward. I can't really put my finger on it though. Perhaps it is because you said that?

Unable to think of a answer I can only appreciate their fighting, Crux was like the wall I imagined him to be, his targets almost gravitating towards that shield of his, letting him slam into them before he cut them in two.

This sentence seems to jump all over the place. Here's what I thought could fix it: Unable to think of an answer, I can only appreciate their fighting skills. Crux was like the wall I imagined him to be; his targets almost gravitating towards that shield of his, letting him slam into them before he cut them into two.

(Sentence separation always seems to make it flow better)

“*In public I’m* Curse, *with friends I’m, Maeve.*”
I know you put these in here on purpose, but why? Just curious is all. :)

Curse suddenly hugged me again!
I think the exclamation point is unnecessary here.

"My name's Quill and that fits me just fine," Quill argued, pointing dramatically at himself, before turning to me "How about silver?"
Period after me.

As if the whole process of naming me was a minor distraction they quickly shifted into another topic, talking about the route back, gossip, new weapons, what they're going to do with their money.

This sentence is odd and needs to be separated. Like: As if the whole process of naming me was a minor distraction, they soon shifted into another topic. They talked of the route back, gossip, new weapons, and what they will do with their money.

I hope I helped punctuation wise, and if I didn't really than my apologies!




MeatBunCat says...


%u201C*In public I%u2019m* Curse, *with friends I%u2019m, Maeve.*%u201D
I know you put these in here on purpose, but why? Just curious is all.


Shortly after it says "I could understand it, like English, yet I knew it was different." Maeve is talking in another language, yet Avery's mind is auto translating it to English for him/her was the point I was trying to make.

I wanted to highlight the difference in some way for the readers convenience, but giant spaces keep appearing when I bold it. So tried using *.

Thank you for all the grammar and punctuation help, it was very useful! I hope you were able to enjoy the story! ^.^



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Fri Jan 13, 2017 5:52 pm
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TinyMochi says...



hahahahaha, wow! great job with this, this is awesome!! sorry but this cant be a long review because i have to go, but you did an AMAZING job :D keep up the good work :D




MeatBunCat says...


That's okay! I'm happy just knowing you liked it!



TinyMochi says...


oh shore! I loved it!! hey do you no what writers feed pad is???



MeatBunCat says...


nope



TinyMochi says...


well it is something like the chat bar thing, its kind of like texting but its on young writers society! here I will link it to you so I can show you!!



TinyMochi says...


http://chibielephants.writerfeedpad.com/3 their now click on that, no worries, this is part of YWS :D you wont be going to far, its really fun!!



TinyMochi says...


See you there :D !!




cron
Why is my dog your fig father????
— JazzElectrobass