z

Young Writers Society


16+ Violence

Glorious Fantasy Ch.14: Cats Vs Dogs

by MeatBunCat


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for violence.

“Who said I agreed?” The brother of the pair said, with a wave of his hand a chunk of the surrounding mad cat’s charge forward, quickly cutting off Ellies path. “I have you all surrounded. You ran from my power. You try to negotiate with me. I have no reason to follow your ploy.”

Bad, maybe I can argue with him about it at least, “But wouldn’t you want-”

“Your willingness hardly matters,” The sister says, “the weak are doomed to serve the strong.”

Any way to escape? No, all I see are more trees, and there is no way we can outrun them while also dealing with two people who I know nothing about. Think.

“So...Avery, step forward, and nobody will die. Simple as that.” The brother says, ignoring Ellie as she starts growling at him.

I really don’t want to do that.

Ah! Shock and awe always worked in the movies, and isn’t that what this pair is already doing? Maybe I can shock them back.

I point my right hand forward, my index and middle finger spread out in a v shape as I gather mana for two air needles, condensing as much into them as my arm could allow. “Air needle.”

Bang!

Five mad cats exploded to either side of a very surprised Ellie, while most survived the indirect hit, at least three weren't moving and the others were struggling on the ground. A lot more powerful than I expected. Before the cat Verse twins could react, I points my arms in a T pose, gathering as many needles as I could around both before I said, “Needle Gun.” Ten more were down, not dead, but struggling from all the holes I put in them. A drop in the ocean of mad cats, but I made a point of showing off just how little that sprey of spells affected me.

I stretched out, ignoring how Lore and Ellie were staring at me as I said, “I’d say it does matter, you might be able to kill us, but not before we ruin most of that ‘power’ of yours.”

I hope that sounded confident and powerful. Given how shocked the pair were, I’ll take that as a yes, offering them my nicest smile as I wait for their reaction. Please be reasonable and reconsider, rather than just swarm them at me.

“...Brother?” The female of the pair finally said, her shock leaving her unsure how to respond.

“No reason to hide our names anymore then. The dead should at least know who killed them.” He finally growled out. “My name is Randall, and my sisters name is Tilda. Avery, since you are so eager to prove your power, I shall deal with you myself.” He shifted forms before my eyes, the effeminate human before me became a eight foot tall humanoid monster, a feline werewolf that reminded me of a cat breed called Lykoi. The closest thing to a wolf that I knew of within the cat’s branch of the animal kingdom.

At least I got the one on one thing working. But I am pretty sure I am still a glass cannon. Front line combat is a no.

“You will have to get through me first.” Ellie carved away the few surviving mad cats that were not caught by my explosions, stepping into Randall’s way. The casual slaughter of his troops lead to a very lion like roar from both of the twins.

“I do not care who dies first!” Randall yells before he pounces at Ellie. Easily able to read his movements, Ellie steps out of the way, swiping her heavy wolf hand down on his neck. Slamming the man into the ground so hard that massive chunks of the forest floors many leaves are swept clean, and a imprint of his feline face is carved into the dirt.

“Randall, maybe we should-” The sister of the two, Tilda, tries to speak before her brother yells for her to be quiet, forcing himself back up before rolling away from Ellie’s reach.

“I am the predator of the earth,” Randell starts saying, in such a way that I could actually feel the mana around him shift to his words. “A destroyer of the sky, in my rage is hunger, so I call upon a victim to feed.”

Is that how normal mages use spells?

Light flows around him, gathering above his head into the shape of a great bird, a slight howl of the wind followed as the shape grew more solid. A well defined face with powerful yellow and black eyes, strong legs as thick as my arms, and wings that spread out far enough to pick up one of the mad cats surrounding us. A massive creature that resembled an oversized Martial Eagle. Something I only remembered because of a paper I wrote years ago. I don’t remember much about these things, but I doubt my vague memories of an earth bird would quite match up to what he’s seems to be summoning. Randell was a summoner, not a mage like myself, Curse, or Quill.

I didn’t pay attention to the lore enough to know the difference and what they could do.

“With a hand our mother shapes the wind, with a cup she holds the sea, from within she contains the fire. May the mother dragon of earth carve a shield to shape the wind and hold the seas. May mother dragon allow the fires to bathe me in their power.” Ellie? Is that a mage thing or a summoner? I can’t figure it out, I can feel the mana infuse her, her brown fur turning a deep crimson, browns, greens, and whites crossing over her fur like veins. Even if the lines are gaudy, Ellie looks amazing, like she had turned from a powerful werewolf to a divine beast.

“How?” I finally mutter.

“A Verse summoner? Stone was lying about how much Ellie’s worth.” Lore muttered, staring at the two preparing themselves for battle.

“How are they summoning?” I ask again, clarifying myself.

“I don’t know magic, I just know their both summoning.” Lore weakly shrugged. “What was the next part of your plan by the way dear?”

“If we help Ellie, that girl over there,Tilda might join in and bring the arm with her. So we’re going to wait only jumping in when something bad happens.” I say, way more confident in my slapped together plan then I put on. I like to imagine I sound absolutely sure of myself. I trust Ellie to win this fight. With one less handler, we might be able to get out of here. Look for a opening when that girl is distracted away from us; a spot to get both of them at once. “If you see a opening for us to get both of them down, take it. I trust you way more then I trust me.”

“I- fine dear.” Lore muttered, clearly unsure of herself. I would too if an inexperienced sixteen year old was handing out ideas, and you could only accept them. Well maybe she has a better idea, but I think my idea’s pretty good.

While me and Lore were focused on how surprising it was that Ellie was a summoner, the fight between her and and the cat Verse named Randall had already begun. Fire jumped from Ellies’ joints as she rocketed forward into Randall, roaring as she swings her clawed fist at him. He’s too slow to block it, but his summoned bird quickly pulls him back out of harm's way. Rather than jumping again, Ellie points at him, a stone hand forming, firing itself with a explosive sound.

Why didn’t she use this powerful before? It looks way more convenient than my magic.

As the stone fist is fired, Ellie jumps in the air, fire jumping off her fur as she’s propelled high into the trees. Randall roars, lifted out of the way of the stone hand, and into the trees as well. The thick leaves block my vision, but I can faintly make out fire, faintly hear the muted thump of stone crashing into something, hear the cracking of tree branches. They were only in the tree for seconds before the whole area suddenly disappeared in a ball of fire. Ellie and Randall blasted away from each other fast enough to knock down several trees in their way.

Randall stumbles a bit before the bird behind him steadies him, but Ellie flipped a few times before sliding against the forest floor, leaving a long gash in the ground and a lot of blood.

“Ellie!” I yell out, noticing just how torn up she is. I start gathering mana, and compressing air around me, prepared just in case an opening shows up.

“I am fine, milady.” She said; complete confidence. She started sprinting forward to the stumbling Randall, roaring as waves of fire jumped at him. The Verse cat man easily slipped around, slashing at Ellie’s face before he was choke slammed into the ground.

He shoved her off, but just before he could get back up, a blast of water cuts its way through his gut. His bird summon jumping in front of him, blocking the second blast of water as Ellie jumps back on him roaring in his face.

“Randall!” The Verse Tilda screams, shifting into her own Lykoi-like, werewolf form as she starts running.

“Hit her now Mist!” Lore yelled. I quickly aim the half formed spell at Tilda, my arm screaming under the sheer weight of that single needle.

“Air Needle!” I yell, hoping the dramatic flair will help the spell, even a little.

Bang!

Tilda screams out in agony, a horrifying noise that slowly weakens, into a soft moan before it stops.

The kick back from that spell sent me flying. My arm numb from the pain but from the scream I heard, I think I hit. I really don’t want to see what I hit, but when Lore runs over, offering to pull me up, I let her. When I look over at the crater I made, what little lunch I have in me spills all over the forest floor.

Ellie had...finished her fight, worse for wear, but healing so fast that I could hardly tell how much of the blood on her was actually hers. I could see the bodies, but I didn’t want to process them; Randall was staring up into the sky in his human form, his throat torn. While Tilda was a gory mess, something blocked most of the damage from my attack. Like a cone of some energy had protected her at the last second, but that didn’t protect her from Ellie. Deep slash marks peppered her arms and legs, with a gaping hole formed in her chest; Right where her heart was.

I had just graduated from killing monsters to killing people, all on the same day. I felt myself gag, like I was going to puke again, but there was nothing left in me. I looked over at Ellie, again, she had turned back into her human form, her cold, indifferent eyes chilling me.

-------------------------

Authors Notes: Why does this story keep making me hurt Kitties?! :C


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26 Reviews


Points: 317
Reviews: 26

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Sun Feb 26, 2017 2:38 pm
regismare wrote a review...



Hey, MeatBunCat! regismare here to review on this review day!

This whole thing is so interesting and fast-paced. It drew me in immediately : )

The first thing I noticed about this piece is that it's quite difficult, in the beginning, to distinguish which parts of the narrative are thoughts, and which is actual writing. It's a little distracting before the reader settles into the style and the action starts to kick in, but it's not a huge thing. You could try having the thoughts in italics to clear everything up and make it easier for the reader in the beginning, or you could perhaps fatten up your writing a little with more descriptions or just narrative that doesn't flow light thought does to give more distinction to the thoughts and narrative.

The sound effects during the fight struck me as a little off-putting. They break up rather good descriptions and action of the fight with comical words like bang, which jolts the flow of the writing and makes the fight seem less serious than you (presumably) intend it to. Instead of sound effects, you could just describe the sounds and the motions that go with them, and how they make the characters feel. These would be better than the occasional onomatopoeia that you have here.

Now, for the nitpicks:

Ellies path

Ellie's path.

Bad

Is it thought, or informal narrative? If it's thought, italics should be used to make thoughts clearer.

Think.

Italics?

So...Avery

So... Avery

Bang!

The onomatopoeia is a little off-putting. Different descriptions - be they of the physical happenings of the fight, the physical effect of the fight on the characters, or their emotional states during the fight - would do better to show the reader what's going on and describe the whole scene to add to the fight.

Given how shocked the pair were

Try showing us how shocked they are, rather than telling. What are their expressions like? Their body language?

there,Tilda

there, Tilda

“I- fine dear.”

"I - fine, dear."

Fire jumped from Ellies’ joints as she rocketed forward into Randall, roaring as she swings her clawed fist at him.

There was a slip of the tenses here. It should be jumps, rather than jumped. This happens a few times during the story.

and into the trees as well

The as well is unnecessary and jumped out at me when I read it. You could describe his additional movement into the trees differently, using a word that isn't 'as well' - you could use even, or so far or some other quantifier-type word to fit in with the style of the rest of the writing.

The kick back from that spell sent me flying. My arm numb from the pain but from the scream I heard, I think I hit. I really don’t want to see what I hit, but when Lore runs over, offering to pull me up, I let her. When I look over at the crater I made, what little lunch I have in me spills all over the forest floor.

This who paragraph was pretty unclear when I read it. Maybe try revising this to have less commas and subordinate clauses - which add to the confusion - because it was quite hard to follow when I read it.

turned back into her human form

I feel like there's a better word than 'turned', especially following all of the narrative during the fight.

I really like the present tense you've used here. It makes the whole piece seem very urgent and it brings us closer to the action and the characters. The concept is also very interesting - I have a huge soft spot for any stories about shapeshifter-type beings - and I love how you've portrayed the different kinds of shifters and how you describe them (Lykoi cats are so cute).

I hope my review was helpful, and happy review day : )

-regismare




MeatBunCat says...


Thank you so much for the review, it's gonna help me plenty moving forward~



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Mon Feb 06, 2017 3:23 pm
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Omni wrote a review...



Hey there MeatBunCat! Let's dive right in.

Now, I don't normally review random chapters (because I haven't read the entire story, y'know! But I noticed the Author's Note at the bottom, and I just had to review this because kitties need to stop getting hurt D:D:

“Who said I agreed?” The brother of the pair said, with a wave of his hand a chunk of the surrounding mad cat’s charge forward, quickly cutting off Ellies path.


"The brother of the pair said. With a wave..."

I really don’t want to do that.

Ah! Shock and awe always worked in the movies, and isn’t that what this pair is already doing? Maybe I can shock them back.


So obviously I don't know how this story works, but the way this MC's thoughts are presented to us like he's a robot. I'd much rather have something like "

Like heck I will. Think, c'mon [MC's name], how are we gonna get out of here?

Than what you have right now. What I wrote has personality, has character. Saying "I really didn't want to do that." is kind of obvious and a generic thing to say. It's really something I would never think outrightly so. I'd think some kind of variation of it, like "Yeah, I'm not doing that. Pleeeease." (<--That's something I would actually think too lol)

Also as a sidenote, I'd love it if you could italicize the thoughts, just to better separate it from the rest of the story. This is just a preference, so no need to do it :)

Bang!


Another personal preference, but everytime I see "Bang!" used in stories, it reminds me of cheesy 30s comics that didn't quite know what they were doing yet and ended up becoming a stereotype (and a terrible one at that; the comic business has still not fully recovered from it and I doubt it will for many years to come --especially since the huge popularity of Comic book movies have done next to nothing to help it) that's still used today. I don't know if you are trying to make this story comedic (because if so then my last two points are a little obsolete and can be explained away --although not well, I'll say-- because it's ~~comedy~~) but if you aren't, then I'd highly recommend an onomatopoeia like Crack. It serves the same purpose but doesn't sound nearly as cheesy.

A drop in the ocean of mad cats, but I made a point of showing off just how little that sprey of spells affected me.


spray*

Also, is it actually affecting them? Like, are they faking it to act intimidating and tough?

Randall yells before he pounces at Ellie. Easily able to read his movements, Ellie steps out of the way, swiping her heavy wolf hand down on his neck. Slamming the man into the ground so hard that massive chunks of the forest floors many leaves are swept clean, and a imprint of his feline face is carved into the dirt.


Okay, so action is extremely difficult to write (I know, I still have problems myself) because if it slows down, it becomes boring and no longer fun to read. If done well, action can become the highlight of any story, but if done not-so-well, it can be the worst part of a story.

The major problem I have with the action here are the character's thoughts. Simply put, thoughts are a no-no in action. The only thing that should be in there are actions and reactions. No thoughts.

Part of this is because, in real life you won't get a chance to think about things in a fight. Honestly, fights don't last long. Like, they may seem like they do in movies and stuff, but you'd be lucky if you get a fight lasting more than a minute before someone is knocked out of it from exhaustion. So, thoughts are non-existent when things are going that fast. All you have are actions and reactions. The adrenaline kicks in and it's like you're on auto-pilot.

Another reason is that thoughts slow action down, and ANYTHING that slows action down kills it. Thoughts are perfectly fine elsewhere (although not too much. You'll notice that if you have an entire chapter dedicated to nothing but thoughts, people will complain because nothing happens and it feels like a whole bunch of exposition), even needed in places, but thoughts are a form of exposition (probably the best form, but still a form), and exposition is the bane of action's existence. It all goes to the epic and never-ending struggle of showing vs. telling. Action is showing us what's happening, and thoughts are telling us what's happening.

So, let's cut down as much as we can from the paragraph above and see how it reads. I'm going to be removing filler words (like before, on, into), rewording things to shorten them (like steps out of the way to side-stepping), using more pronouns and shorter sentences, while making sure they're not fragments (because you had one at the end of the paragraph)

Randall yells and pounces at Ellie. She side-steps, slashing his neck. The impact slams him into the ground, knocking away leaves and leaving an impression in the dirt.


Okay, so how does that read? Shorter right? It flows better as well, and it still leaves the bare-bones action there, which is:

-Randall yells
-Randall pounces
-Ellie side-steps
-Ellie slashes his neck
-This injures him
-He crashes into the ground
-It was a large crash

Now, this isn't much action, and after I cut down a lot of the guts and filler, it's definitely noticeable. In fact, this allows you to put more into the action in the same amount of reading time. Cutting down like this allows you much more room to keep the reader's attention.

However! There is something that the modified paragraph doesn't do, and that is keep the reader entranced. That is something I'll let you do through strong verbs. Verbs are oh-so important in writing, but even more so when it comes to action scenes. Weak verbs should get cut from any action scene because it's just as much a waste of space as filler words, adverbs, and adjectives.

Is that how normal mages use spells?


That was really funny xD I could just imagine standing there staring at Randall being like "ooooookay"

A massive creature that resembled an oversized Martial Eagle. Something I only remembered because of a paper I wrote years ago. I don’t remember much about these things, but I doubt my vague memories of an earth bird would quite match up to what he’s seems to be summoning.


This isn't really needed, and doesn't add anything to the story besides a throw-away comment that the MC wrote a paper on birds that the readers will forget by next chapter.

“With a hand our mother shapes the wind, with a cup she holds the sea, from within she contains the fire. May the mother dragon of earth carve a shield to shape the wind and hold the seas. May mother dragon allow the fires to bathe me in their power.” Ellie? Is that a mage thing or a summoner?


Two things: First, you repeated "hold the seas" here, which takes away from how important and powerful this sounds, because it caused me to pause and ponder on whether or not this spell realized it was already holding the sea.

Second, I did not know this was Ellie doing this spell until the end of the paragraph. I still thought Randall was continuing his elaborate summoning. Please tell us this is Ellie before the spell starts.

“I don’t know magic, I just know their both summoning.” Lore weakly shrugged. “What was the next part of your plan by the way dear?”

they're* and there's some past tense here.

“What was the next part of your plan by the way dear?”


I didn't know they had a plan, honestly. Like, yeah we got it through their thoughts that they were trying something different, but from an outsider they didn't have a plan. Lore would not be able to just assume that they had a plan, especially enough to ask them what their next step in the plan would be. Like, if they didn't have a plan, that'd be really awkward. (There have been media that's done this before, but basically every time this happens, it's like this:

A: "So what's next on your plan [ b]?"
B: "I didn't really think past this point..." or they explain the plan.

However, this is only done when [B ] has already said to [A] that they had a plan. Otherwise, this conversation just wouldn't make sense because [A] never knew there was a plan.

Now, on the off-chance you had the MC explain the plan in an earlier chapter, I will say this: I didn't really see that. For two reasons: One - a plan was never mentioned until Two - the MC improvised by shock and awe. Improvisation is often used in a plan, but it's never the plan itself.

I say, way more confident in my slapped together plan then I put on. I like to imagine I sound absolutely sure of myself.


See, this supports what I was saying earlier. Perhaps if Lore said something like "Do you have a plan, dear?" then it'd be much better, but the way it is now it just doesn't make too much sense for Lore to say that when this plan is slapped together like so.

I would too if an inexperienced sixteen year old was handing out ideas, and you could only accept them.


To be fair, she did ask about the plan, so she was already following it.

While me and Lore were focused on how


Lore and I*

This has also changed to past tense for this sentence and a couple of more after this. Be careful of that!

Fire jumped from Ellies’ joints as she rocketed forward into Randall, roaring as she swings her clawed fist at him. He’s too slow to block it, but his summoned bird quickly pulls him back out of harm's way. Rather than jumping again, Ellie points at him, a stone hand forming, firing itself with a explosive sound.


All right, I'm gonna give one more example of cutting down for action before this review ends, on this here. Let's see what you're wanting to do from this action.

-Ellie has fire from her joints(Why? Unless this is being used right now in this scene, it can be cut out. Save it either before or after the action.)
-She charges Randall
-She claws him
-He blocks it with a summoned bird barely
-She summons a stone hand
-Said stone hand launches at him

So, let's cut this down again:

Ellie rockets into Randall, swinging her claws at him. His summoned form barely blocks her lightning fast attacks. Ellie lands and immediately points at him, a stone hand forming, firing itself with a flash.


So, this has more cut out of it, like the last example, but is also more fleshed out than the previous cut version. First thing that you may notice is I added a step to the action:

-She misses and lands

There's also an underlying theme here of Ellie being extremely fast. You see it first with "rockets" then him barely blocking her "lightning fast attacks" then her "immediately" pointing at him, and lastly the stone hand firing itself "with a flash". I just added onto what you started in the action with "rocketed" (note that I changed this action from past tense to present tense, which you slipped up for a bit there). Does it flow better? What do you think?

I looked over at Ellie, again, she had turned back into her human form, her cold, indifferent eyes chilling me.


What a chilling way to end this chapter. Wonderful.

General Thoughts

Whew, we're at the end! Some general things to note that I didn't really talk about in the meat of my review:

- Synonyms/Thesaurus use: I noticed that there were a few times where descriptor terms (the cat army and MC's spells to give a couple of specific examples) repeated. Finding some synonyms would help there!
-Proofread: I noticed quite a few small errors regarding spelling and grammar throughout this. I noted some of them, but there were still quite a few more poking their heads.
-Switching tenses: I talked about this a bit in the meat of the review, but it started to happen quite a bit towards the end. Make sure you proofread to catch that!

Regarding the action: I've explained as much as I can about it, but it really does take practice. However, let me know if I explained it well enough, if you're confused, or if I just didn't know what I was talking about and didn't help at all. Like I said earlier, I have problems with action myself, and am still trying to learn as well, so whatever comments you have regarding the two examples I gave, please let me know! I'd love to work with them below with you so we can see what works the best.

Until then, please keep writing and I hope this review helped! <3




Omni says...


Also, if you didn't absolutely hate this review, I'd be up for reviewing this novel :D



MeatBunCat says...


Also as a sidenote, I'd love it if you could italicize the thoughts, just to better separate it from the rest of the story. This is just a preference, so no need to do it

I really wanna do that, but every time I do, weird spaces pop up everywhere, I worked fine in the first few chapters, but then massive spaces everywhere, I sorta gave up. I dunno want to do about it.

I don't know if you are trying to make this story comedic (because if so then my last two points are a little obsolete and can be explained away --although not well, I'll say-- because it's ~~comedy~~) but if you aren't, then I'd highly recommend an onomatopoeia like Crack. It serves the same purpose but doesn't sound nearly as cheesy.

This story does rely heavily on humor, but this chapter specifically, and most of the fight scenes do not.

She is bombing chunks of their army of wild animals, and then cutting up other parts. Mages normally get tired if they waste a bunch of energy on spells. Her idea was to scare them into thinking she was super powerful mana wise, instead they just got angry after being slightly surprised.

The 'part of your plan' thing was directed at how Mist decided to attack a bunch of mad cats. I agree, I shoulda covered that better.

The spells are keyed in, not like she has to say that spell name, but it's sort of a memory game. After figuring out how to use the mix of mana for that spell, she memorizes it to a phrase, which she can use later to recall it all. Saying a different spell name wouldn't help much.

Thank you SO much for all of this, it will be incredibly helpful to me. I started and am doing this story without real editing at the moment, because when I do so, I tend to burn out, never getting all that far. So this time I am trying to finish the whole 30 chapters of the first book before I start editing. This massively detailed review is incredibly helpful, I would love if you did more~




"The day, which was one of the first of spring, cheered even me by the loveliness of its sunshine and the balminess of the air. I felt emotions of gentleness and pleasure, that had long appeared dead, revive within me. Half surprised by the novelty of these sensations, I allowed myself to be borne away by them, and forgetting my solitude and deformity, dared to be happy."
— Mary Shelley, Frankenstein