z

Young Writers Society


12+ Violence

Glorious Fantasy Ch.8: My First Spell

by MeatBunCat


Now that all of that boring socializing is out of the way. I sit down on the bed that I was soon expected to share with Lore and Curse. A comfortable loose shirt, a nice pair of pants, and a ribbon to tie my annoyingly long hair back. The inns’ rooms were just as impossibly nice as the rest of this village. The beds were soft, the walls were thick, and the rooms were well lit under the rays of a glowing crystal. Other then how I was going to have to share a bed with two girls, there was nothing really worth thinking about. 

The whole room was simple, and served its purpose far better than I could have ever hoped. I have to thank those resurrected people for bringing modern comfort to an medieval themed world if I ever get the chance.

But I didn’t get all comfortable just to enjoy the room. I have been eagerly waiting for the chance to open this ‘An introduction to gravity’.

Magic!

Swords were everywhere in my own world, I don’t think people were actually using them much, but if you wanted to learn how to use them, you could. Magic on the other hand, magic is another beast entirely. World bending powers at your command, science can give that, but there is a point when you have to rely on others to improve something. Magic becomes more powerful just by trying harder!

Or at least I hope.

I focus on the book. A incredibly thick volume far bigger and more sturdy than any book I had ever seen in my own world, not because the modern world couldn’t do it, but there was a art in this binding. Like the writers words were secondary to the sheer style that contained it all. I couldn’t help but marvel at the careful etching and detailing of the title. Something as bland as ‘An introduction to gravity’ became poetic under the artist that bound this book.

Refocusing I flipped to the first chapter. A simple summary of how magic is categorized. Long ramble short, magic users are classified as either mages or summoners. A mage calls upon a specific aspect of reality, while a summoner calls upon living creatures within reality.

At the most basic level, mages can use one of four forms of magic. The classical elements, fire, water, earth, and air. If a mage is lucky and powerful, they will be able to use one of the higher elements, dark, light, thunder, healing, ice. Then if they are impossibly lucky -or cheat like I did- they will be able to use one of the five divine forms of magic; life/death, energy, time, space, or gravity.

Other than the life and death thing, the divine forces are fundamental forces of the universe that I am familiar with, things that make everything else work.

Beyond elemental locks on what sort of magic a mage can use, as long as they are creative about it, a mage can do anything with their ability. A fire mage can of course start a fire like Curse did with those giant kittens; but if a fire mage knows enough about their element, they could even heal wounds with fire, freeze a enemy, or allow people to fly. A mage just needs to understand the language and rules enough do what they want.

After the first chapter, the easy and careful explaining was done however. The entire language of the book changed. I don’t mean like grammar differences, I mean I could feel the difference, like it was written in a far older language.

“Doth the heavens meadow hath beseeched the great abyss that is nigh, standing on the precipice of weight and air, light and heavy, one divine the sights of the blind.” I mutter, beside that jumbled non-sense was theory on what the book was says, along with a guide for the theory, but given how often the assumed meaning conflicted with what my mental translation was telling me. I couldn’t help but grumble.

I skip around until I find the first spell, ‘air hammer’ as the book calls it. “Divine up a name, call upon thy knowledge, and break up the force that is yours. The weight of the world under the wind that shifts.”

Uuuugghhhh.

Simple translation, the words don’t matter, I just have to understand the idea behind the spell, and say something that brings to mind that makes the spell works. I guess the need for language that the introduction gave was just a lost in translation issue.

“Spell upon mass, thy define, curse ever ending holes upon the air. Gravitated with the grandness that is thy, stand holes upon the ribbons.”

Okay, I am pretty sure this is the fakest old English I have ever read. I think it’s saying I have to put my mana into the air to give it mass, and then direct it. Which I quickly try, using the traditional straining that I see in just about every movie, which leads to nothing.

Okay, I probably have to do some special comprehension on how to use mana, because making grunting noises at the air doesn't seem like it well help much. Lets see, when I was taking that test that the weird achievement system called an awakening, I felt energy drain from my body. Let’s see if I can will that sensation.

I try to mimic it, imagining the insides of my body, the cells within, the blood, the organs, and imagined a shell of soft light over it all, a magic essence that coated my insides and out in a invisible sheen. I then try to imagine a small piece of that leaving, drawn out under my own awareness.

I feel it, I don’t feel the draining sensation, but I feel a weight, like something is distorting in front of me, and then it fades away since I didn’t use the mana.

Next, let's try directing it. Weight, as I recall, wouldn’t qualify as gravity, just a side effect. The greater the mass of an object, the greater the gravitational pull. Planets and suns are a grand example of that mass, so on a more basic level, gravity magic might just be the power to add mass to things. Since this spell seems like it's based on mass, let’s try using the element of my magic to gather a bunch of air in my hand, make it heavy.

I follow the steps I laid out for myself, at first, nothing happens but after a few tries, my hand suddenly swings down, overwhelmed by how heavy it had become. I think I’m figuring out more then this spell is meant to teach.

Recalling all I figured out from the spell I finally decide to simplify. A common memory trick when I was obsessed with studying was to simplify a concept and series of meanings into a single word. Usually something made up, but occasionally I used the term already provided. Like I was placing the meaning on top of the term inside my head. I pointed a finger forward and concentrated on the motions I had figured out.

“Air hammer.”

Bang!

Bang!

Crunch.

“Ah!” I hear yelled, along with many shuffling and panicked feet. Without thinking about where I am, I just created a perfect fist sized hole in the wall of the inn.

Dang it! Curse and the others are going to get mad at me, aren't they?

“Mist!” I hear Lore yell out, the door kicked down. When she looked in she found me hugging on a massive book staring at her, terrified. “Are you okay?” She said, coming towards me so quickly that it seemed like she teleported. I instinctively shielded myself with the book. “Mist, don’t worry, I’m here to help.”

I couldn’t stop myself from yelling. “Please don’t be angry!”

“What?” She said, confused.

“I-I was following what the book said for the first spell, air-” I don’t want to put a hole in anything else by accidentally using the keyword, so I stop myself. “-the first spell in the book.”

I point at the hole in the wall. “I’m sorry, I was just so focused that I-”

“You did that?” Lore muttered.

“Y-yes, I’m sorry!” If they had a reason to be nice to me, I wouldn’t be so nervous, but they’ve been so generous to a random kid for no reason. Maybe they were doing it out of the kindness of their hearts, but I rather hear a good reason. I am already in debt to Curse and the others, I don’t want them to be angry at me. I start to feel tears run down my face. I squeeze the book tighter against my chest, feeling more emotion than I should in this situation.

Stupid fault, why did I pick emotional? A man shouldn’t cry.

“No! You don’t have to be sorry.” Lore quickly shook her head before hugging me. “This is amazing. You’ve only been up here for an hour right? I’m not a mage, but I know Quill took a whole month to figure out his first spell.”

A month?

“But the hole…” I mumble.

“We can pay for that, don’t worry.” Lore says, still hugging me.

Gah! Why are you so nice to me? Your kindness just makes me more afraid of what would happen if I ever mess up.

I start hearing gasping before I hear a out of breath Curse yell. “Mist are you okay?!” Behind her was a gasping Crux, poor guy in plate mail armor is even slower than a mage.

Quill appeared shortly after, but I don’t really care about him.

“Everything’s okay guys,” Lore says, finally letting go of me, she turns back to her friends. “In fact it’s more than okay.” She points at the hole in the wall that the three had just processed. “Mist did that with her first spell.”

“Impossible.” Quill mutters, yet clearly he believed her.

“Do you think the inn would mind if I cut out that part of the wall? Just as a souvenir?” Curse asked herself more than anyone else.

They didn’t even question if it was true or not.

“How did you do it?” Quill asked, taking his eyes off the hole in the wall I made.

“I just followed the book,” I say, holding up the oversized volume. “Put my mana into the air, and then directed it.”

“Sounds simple, but just the mana control should have taken a few days at least, and that’s with guidance.” Quill added. “Have you ever used magic before?”

“No.”

“Monster.” Curse slapped him over the head. “Ow!”

I couldn’t stop myself from giggling.

Then bit tune music started playing.

“Achievement found!” That same safe female voice, with her same obviously fake eagerness played in my ear from a unknown source. "First Spell. Twenty achievement points have been added to your total. Two more achievements required to unlock the point menu."

--------------------

Authors Note: We finally get to my favorite part! The magic!

I hope you enjoyed this chapter as much as I did!


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Sun Feb 19, 2017 2:14 pm
Carlito wrote a review...



Hello again! :D

Now that all of that boring socializing is out of the way.

Socializing is never boring if you do it right :P I don't think you need this line. It minimizes everything you did in the last chapter as boring or unimportant, and it's neither of those things.

A comfortable loose shirt, a nice pair of pants, and a ribbon to tie my annoyingly long hair back.

This is a fragment, you need a subject and verb.

Swords were everywhere in my own world, I don’t think people were actually using them much, but if you wanted to learn how to use them, you could. Magic on the other hand, magic is another beast entirely. World bending powers at your command, science can give that, but there is a point when you have to rely on others to improve something. Magic becomes more powerful just by trying harder!

Good inner monologue here! :)

I focus on the book. A incredibly thick volume far bigger and more sturdy than any book I had ever seen in my own world, not because the modern world couldn’t do it, but there was a art in this binding. Like the writers words were secondary to the sheer style that contained it all. I couldn’t help but marvel at the careful etching and detailing of the title. Something as bland as ‘An introduction to gravity’ became poetic under the artist that bound this book.

I keep forgetting to mention this. You write really nice descriptions! I love the style that you bring to this paragraph and how you're able to use poetic language without it becoming overboard or purple in order to give us a rich picture of what she's seeing and experiencing.

A simple summary of how magic is categorized.

A mage just needs to understand the language and rules enough do what they want.

I'm not going to quote the whole chunk, but I'm talking about what happens between this first line and this last line. I think this is tricky. You need to explain how the magic in this world works, and for readers that are really into magic I'm sure they've been waiting for something like this. But, in order for it not to feel tell-y or like an info-dump, you also have to write it in a way that's engaging. For me (and again this could easily be a personal problem because I don't read much fantasy) it felt too tell-y and info-dumpy and I didn't retain much. A few ideas to spice it up: Show Mist reading and then do a new paragraph and tab in with italics or something and literally show the text that Mist is reading so it feels like we're reading the book with Mist. Have Mist learn some of this background knowledge through someone rather than through a book so we can have a fun, engaging conversation about it. Since this magic information is true for all forms of magic (right?) it won't matter who teaches it to her, and then she can keep reading and learn more specific things about gravity magic.

“Doth the heavens meadow hath beseeched the great abyss that is nigh, standing on the precipice of weight and air, light and heavy, one divine the sights of the blind.” I mutter, beside that jumbled non-sense was theory on what the book was says, along with a guide for the theory, but given how often the assumed meaning conflicted with what my mental translation was telling me. I couldn’t help but grumble.

This is much better. I feel like I'm reading it with her and I can stumble along the words and feel her frustration alongside her. :)

I skip around until I find the first spell, ‘air hammer’ as the book calls it. “Divine up a name, call upon thy knowledge, and break up the force that is yours. The weight of the world under the wind that shifts.”

I totally get her desire to just skip to the good stuff especially when the text is so challenging :) I feel like without understanding that first stuff though she's going to struggle with the spells.

Which I quickly try, using the traditional straining that I see in just about every movie, which leads to nothing.

Can you show him quickly trying? What does it look like to try to use his mana besides straining? What exactly does he do? Stand and throw his hands in the air? Shut his eyes and hope for the best?

Quill appeared shortly after, but I don’t really care about him.

Why not? This attitude is going to make me not care about him too, so be careful with the word choice :)


For someone that doesn't normally read fantasy, I thought this was a really interesting chapter! I don't quite understand all of the intricacies of how the mana works and how the magic works, but I think that's more of a personal problem. I thought you did a really nice job with her inner dialogue when she started to experiment with the magic. I loved that you showed her thought process throughout that experience because it helped me understand what she was doing and why. It also helped me visualize exactly what she was doing.

I was a little surprised that she was able to figure out the magic so quickly. I get that the plot needs to move and you don't want to spend half the book waiting on Mist to figure out magic, but a lot of things seem to come easy for Mist and lots of things are working out for her so far. I feel like this is setting us up for Mist being super special and having some super special mission or something, but be careful not to make everything come too easy for her. She's going to need some big bumps and challenges in order to keep it realistic.

But overall, I think this is one of your stronger chapters and I'm looking forward to seeing what happens next! I'm going to take another brief break and get caught up on a few other stories, but then I'll be back if you want me! And in the meantime, let me know if you have any questions/if you'd like feedback about something I didn't mention! :D




MeatBunCat says...


It was fun for me to write! But the point of that statement was not to control how you as the reader feel, but to present how the protag feels. They consider magic way more interesting then socializing.

Purple?

Thank you~

Yap her skipping is gonna let her speed up on a few things, like with everything, you can get quicker results, but you're gonna start struggling if you don't know the basics later on.

I had like three paragraphs worth of Mist/Avery/David trying out different stereotypical ways to using magic, but my friends told me to cut that out, and just summarize. So you think I shoulda left it in?

From the very first time Mist meant Quill she didn't really like him, and that continued on, with her mentioning it occasionally. He's not really doing anything wrong, just bad first impression.

Since she's gonna be a glass cannon mage, I wanted to get the basics of that out of the way before getting into the real challenges.

I'm happy you liked it, thank you for your thoughts and suggestions~

Also, I really wanna know if there is anything I could do to tempt you into being my editor when I finish this draft up and start cleaning up the first book (this story). You're awesome~



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Sun Jan 29, 2017 11:57 pm
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Dracula wrote a review...



Here I am for a quick review!

The inns’ rooms were just as impossibly nice as the rest of this village. The beds were soft, the walls were thick, and the rooms were well lit under the rays of a glowing crystal.
This should say the inn's, since there is only one inn.

Like the writers words were secondary to the sheer style that contained it all. I couldn’t help but marvel at the careful etching and detailing of the title. Something as bland as ‘An introduction to gravity’ became poetic under the artist that bound this book.
Your description of the book is really powerful and vivid. One thing I would do is get rid of 'like' at the start of this. Make the description formal, because the book is formal. Apart from 'like' this is perfect!

“No! You don’t have to be sorry.” Lore quickly shook her head before hugging me. “This is amazing. You’ve only been up here for an hour right? I’m not a mage, but I know Quill took a whole month to figure out his first spell.”
The emotions were really well written here. She thought Lore would be annoyed, and that was clear, but then we see her relief when Lore is actually very impressed.

All the emotions throughout this chapter are done brilliantly. Your characters' voices are again believable, and you have nice descriptions. Just watch for the odd words which don't fit into the writing style, such as 'like'.

Sorry I have to cut this short, but I want to fit it in before Review Day ends! :D


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MeatBunCat says...


Thank you for your review~

These will be really helpful when I do my mass edit, I am trying to hold off until I am done with book one (around 30 chapters), so that I don't burn out on the slower stuff.



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Sun Jan 29, 2017 5:36 pm
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Dest wrote a review...



Now that all of that boring socializing is out of the way


Suggestion: "Now that all that boring socialization is out of the way.." It just looks visually better not to have two "ing" verbs next to each other.

A comfortable loose shirt, a nice pair of pants, and a ribbon to tie my annoyingly long hair back.


This reads a bit awkward. Maybe, "All I needed for bed/to sleep was a comfortable shirt..."

Magic, on the other hand, magic is another beast entirely. World bending powers at your command, science can give that, but there is a point when you have to rely on others to improve something. Magic becomes more powerful just by trying harder!


Nice information! Just add a comma after "magic" because "on the other hand" is an interrupter to the sentence.

A incredibly thick volume far bigger and more sturdy than any book I had ever seen in my own world, not because the modern world couldn’t do it, but there was a art in this binding.


1. You need a "an" before "incredibly" and "art."

2. Why not "sturdier?" Keep it parallel.

Something as bland as ‘An introduction to gravity’ became poetic under the artist that bound this book.


I like this sentence too! Because I had to re-read it twice, I suggest changing "under" to "from."

At the most basic level, mages can use one of four forms of magic. The classical elements, fire, water, earth, and air. If a mage is lucky and powerful, they will be able to use one of the higher elements, dark, light, thunder, healing, ice. Then if they are impossibly lucky -or cheat like I did- they will be able to use one of the five divine forms of magic; life/death, energy, time, space, or gravity.


Okay, I see the hierarchy.

Uuuugghhhh.


This is optional: "Uggh, what a mountain of text/jargon/bla." It might help to reference the groan than to just leap into the translation. If it were so easy to decipher why even groan?

Okay, I probably have to do some special comprehension on how to use mana, because making grunting noises at the air doesn't seem like it well help much. Let's see, (suggestion: delete this let's see) when I was taking that test that the weird achievement system called an awakening, I felt energy drain from my body. Let’s see if I can will that sensation.


The last paragraph started with "okay." Consider just starting with "I probably" here.

“Y-yes, I’m sorry!” If they had a reason to be nice to me, I wouldn’t be so nervous, but they’ve been so generous to a random kid for no reason. Maybe they were doing it out of the kindness of their hearts, but I rather hear a good reason. I am already in debt to Curse and the others, I don’t want them to be angry at me. I start to feel tears run down my face. I squeeze the book tighter against my chest, feeling more emotion than I should in this situation.


Aww...

I start hearing gasping before I hear a out of breath Curse yell.


Those pesky "ing" verbs! Suggestion: I start to hear gasping before an out of breath Curse yells, 'Are you okay...'"

Pretty interesting! I like the narrative though it can sound a bit robotic with the learning spells stuff. Keep writing! Well, I guess you've already been doing that, since this is chapter eight. XD Hope this isn't too long!




MeatBunCat says...


Thank you for all of the suggestions!

I hope you enjoy the story and feel like reading more! (I really wanna make a story people want to read.) ^.^




Once you replace negative thoughts with positive ones, you'll start having positive results.
— Willie Nelson