And I have finally returned once again!
A small army of werewolves, named Verse in this world, stood outside the inn, the cold faced Stone who gave me my book, she was giving me a fake smile.
This sentence starts to get into run-on territory. Also, how does Mist know that werewolves are called Verse? I know she read about the world before joining the game, but a lot has happened since then, and I know when I read factual material I don't retain every little bit. Do one of the others tell her?
Yesterday, after paying for the damages to the inn from Cruse cutting out a piece of the wall, nothing seemed to really happen. I was forced to sleep in Curses embrace, and the day after was spent studying further into that awkwardly phrased book.
"nothing seemed to really happen" makes it sound unimportant. I like that you're recapping what has happened in a concise way, but do you really need that little phrase. Also, why was Mist forced to sleep in Curse's embrace?
I realized Stone would have been watching me,
Why would Stone be watching her? I think you could get a little deeper into this thought.
Yes Crux, be a quality meat shield!
Huh? Meat shield? What does this mean?
I don’t wanna.
As simple of a line as this is, I really like it! It's a good little thought and it shows her personality - I don't want to, I'd rather not, No thanks - all of those thoughts convey a similar message but her personality is infused in the way you wrote that.
Gah, I’m too weak to do anything but accept her invitation.
Unpack this thought a bit more and help out your readers that might not be as familiar with gaming things. What does being weak have to do with accepting the invitation? Can any of her friends help her right now?
I was quickly lead by to the guild, over to a room marked ‘Stone’, the inside room was simple, a rug hang from the wall as a decoration, but everything else was plain and spartan.
This also starts to get into run-on territory. Read the first part out loud - "I was quickly lead by to the guild" - I think you're missing a word in there or something because the wording seems off to me. Also, can you show us the room more. It's "simple", "plain", and "spartan", but I'm not sure what any of those things mean or what anything really lloks like other than the rug hanging on the wall.
“The magic circles job is to drain mana. A inefficient system, since it cost as much mana as it drains. But through it, we can figure out how big of a mana pool someone has by how much they fill the empty battery bellow.” She pointed at the empty battery. “Then we simply release the mana in the battery, and any species sensitive to mana can figure out what element it is. Which is why we need a Half-Alvear.”
I'm confused. I'm not sure if it's because this needs to be described in more detail or if it's a personal problem because I don't read enough fantasy
Oh no.
Unpack this thought a little more too. Where is the oh no coming from? What is she afraid of?
“What are you getting at?” I almost yell, standing up.
I want way more of Mist's thoughts throughout this conversation to help lead me to the conclusion that something is wrong or Stone has some bad plans. Right now I'm not getting the vibes, but if Mist points out red flags as Stone is talking, that might help.
The faint struggle I was giving destabilizing me.
The wording here is funny. Try reading it out loud.
“A mage need a good meat tank, and those fellows won’t be able to protect you forever. Not as good as this girl could.”
I'm really confused by this meat tank term.
Couldn’t she have have called me something manly like that? Ugh, no I can’t encourage that sort of thing even in naming. Slavery is bad.
I think you could go deeper into this thought as well to connect the first part with the "slavery is bad". That last line feels a bit thrown in to me.
Authors Note: Welcome Ellie to the cast~
Hi Ellie!
Overall, another interesting chapter. I'm glad we're starting to see the ugly underbelly of this world and things are starting to get a little more serious. I'm still not sure what Mist's goal is or what she's supposed to be doing in this world. She talks about plans about freeing the slaves (and I think she had another idea in a previous chapter), but I want her mission to be clear by now.
My common refrains from previous chapters are true here as well - adding in more description and more inner monologue, etc etc. It all takes practice, but when executed well, it'll pull your reader right into the story and will really make everything come to life which is what we ultimately want as writers!
I'm curious to see what Mist's next move is going to be and what's she's going to do with Ellie. I'm also really curious to see how the others will react to this new addition. I'll skip along to the next chapter soon, but as always let me know if you have any questions or if you'd like feedback about something I didn't mention!
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