z

Young Writers Society


12+ Violence

Glorious Fantasy Ch.9: Discovered!

by MeatBunCat


“What’s this?” I can’t help but mutter. A small army of werewolves, named Verse in this world, stood outside the inn, the cold faced Stone who gave me my book, she was giving me a fake smile.

Yesterday, after paying for the damages to the inn from Cruse cutting out a piece of the wall, nothing seemed to really happen. I was forced to sleep in Curses embrace, and the day after was spent studying further into that awkwardly phrased book.

I realized Stone would have been watching me, but I didn’t expect her to bring an army of Verse with her, all waiting for the moment me, Curse, and everybody walked out the door. Every single one of the Verse were collared, so I knew they were all her slaves, all loyal dogs to a master who I could not understand.

“Hello there, I heard quite the commotion yesterday. I wonder if you’re all okay?” Stone said. Since most of the inn knows what happened, there’s no way she doesn't.

“Nothing major,” Crux replied. Yes Crux, be a quality meat shield! “Just Mist figuring out that book you bought her.” No Crux, bad meat shield. You’re supposed to take the aggro away from me.

“Oh? From how much damage I heard of, you must have been working on that spell for a long time.” Stone said. If you’re going to play ignorant, at least be consistent about how much you know.

Grr.

“What do you want?” I finally say, staring as harshly as I could at the cold woman.

“What do I want? Hmmm, come with me. Alone.”

I don’t wanna.

“Why?”

“I just want to talk you for a bit. Guild business, nothing major.”

I glanced at Curse who seemed just as confused and unsure as me. Gah, I’m too weak to do anything but accept her invitation.

“Fine.” I start walking forward, Curse and the others stopped when two Verse step in the way.

“Don’t worry, you’re dear little girl will be safe in my hands.” Stone said.

I was quickly lead by to the guild, over to a room marked ‘Stone’, the inside room was simple, a rug hang from the wall as a decoration, but everything else was plain and spartan. Me, Stone, and two Verse, one with white fur, and one with light brown fur came in with us. The rest of her small army dispersed shortly after we entered the guild hall. She lead me to sit down at a wood table that sat in the middle of the room.

“So,” I decide to open the conversation, “I’ve been meaning to ask, why did you buy that book for me?”

“Oh, so your first question isn’t why I brought you here?” Stone asked, legitimately smiling this time. Her cold face oddly emotional for a few seconds.

“I figured you’d tell me all that, even explain the book thing. But I rather start with that.” I shrug. Even if she’ll tell me the same things, if I can control the start of the conversation, I should be able to control other parts of it. At least that’s what I’ve read in books.

“Where do I begin?” Stone waved her hand at the brown furred Verse, who walked over the table. To my surprise she started using the Verse’s claw like a pin, carving into her table. “Do you know how the magic aptitude test works?”

“No.”

“It’s quite simple.” She stopped pointing at a very simple line that she labeled ‘magic circle’, above the line was two stick figures, one standing on the line, and one sitting next to it, a dotted line from the sitting figure lead to a box under the line. There were two boxes, the one connected to the sitting figure was scribbled like it was full, and the other one was empty. “The magic circles job is to drain mana. A inefficient system, since it cost as much mana as it drains. But through it, we can figure out how big of a mana pool someone has by how much they fill the empty battery bellow.” She pointed at the empty battery. “Then we simply release the mana in the battery, and any species sensitive to mana can figure out what element it is. Which is why we need a Half-Alvear.”

“What does that have to do with the book you bought me?”

“What do you think it means if someone has so much mana that they drain the battery, and the system almost drains all of the mana from everyone else in the room?”

“That I have a lot of fuel for magic spells?” I say, wondering if it’s a trick question.

“Correct,” She smiles at me. “A guilds greatest asset is powerful fighters and magic users. If I didn’t offer you some good will, you might get snatched from our hands by some other guild.”

Fair point.

“Then are we done here?” I ask.

“We haven’t even started missy.” Stone replies. I am starting to get creeped out by that smile.

“Then what did you invite me over for.” “Humans,” Stone started. Oh no. “Are born freely able to use their magic. Most species are like this, the only purpose of a mana draining circle is figuring out how they should be trained.”

Oh no.

She continues, “But there are a few select races that have so much mana that their bodies form a solid core of mana. Because of that, they can’t actually use magic, until a bit of it is forced out of them.” No, no, no. “They like to call our test a awaking, and it always starts with a bright flash.”

“What are you getting at?” I almost yell, standing up.

“Hold her.” The white Verse grabs my hands, while Stone stands up, pushing away my hair.

“Don’t-” I feel tears in my eyes.

“Shhhh. Don’t worry little Mist.” She whispers in my ear. “Let her go.”

I fall on the ground as the Verse frees my arms. The faint struggle I was giving destabilizing me.

“You’re quite close to a pure Alvear. Quite impressive meeting one of your kind. You might have even been born out of love rather than specialized breeding.” Stone laughed.

“Please don’t.”

“Don’t what?”

“I don’t want to be a slave.”

Stone laughed again. “I said a guilds job is gathering powerful members. But a slave is only useful as a guard dog, or eye candy.” She pointed at the two Verse, both turning into teens that looked around my age. The white Verse turning into a red eyed albino boy, his harsh face matched his true nature. The brown furred Verse turned into a small lithe figured girl. She has short, fine, straight, brown hair worn in a wild style. Which framed her red almost dead eyes. Her apathetic look chills me, as it makes me think of how hopeless a situation these two were in.

“What?” I say, looking back at Stone.

“I see you’ve already taken a liking to Ellie.” She said, laughing. “I brought you here as a reminder of just how dangerous a world you’re living in. Where a careless show of your half blood heritage could lead to the lives of these two.”

“So you’re not going to?”

“You’re secret is safe with me.” She waved her hand, the brown haired Verse walking over to her. “As an extra reminder though. I think I’ll give you little Ellie.”

“What?” I don’t want a slave.

“You can’t refuse.” She laughs. “She only cost me three green silver anyway.”

A life worth as much as the book I was given…

“A mage need a good meat tank, and those fellows won’t be able to protect you forever. Not as good as this girl could.”

“What do you think about all this?” I ask, looking over at the Verse girl Eilie.

“It would be a honor to serve, milady.” She replied in a monotone.

I don’t like this.

“Couldn’t I just free her?” I say, turning back to look at Stone.

“If you have at least three true gold, then sure.” She laughs.

True gold? If it works like the silver thing, then that is a horrifying amount of money. Ugh, I want to ask more, but the rules of slaves is probably common sense around here.

“Besides even if you are secretly a rich little lady, the Verse refuse charity. They are only allowed freedom that they win with their own two hands.”

“What?”

“Not a lot of people know this, but the Verse sell their children into slavery as a sort of...initiation ritual. Isn’t that right Ellie?”

“Yes, master.” Ellie replied.

Couldn’t she have have called me something manly like that? Ugh, no I can’t encourage that sort of thing even in naming. Slavery is bad.

“The only way she will be freed is when she earns the money herself. Either through battle... or other methods.” Stone laughs again. Stop laughing! “Either way, she’s yours now.” Stone waves her hand, and the albino boy holds me still. Before I realize what's happening, Stone exposes a glowing band on her hand. Without giving me time to ask what it is, she grabs my hand and pushes her palm onto my own, a soft warmth transferring. “There, you are now the proud owner of your very own Verse Slave.”

I don’t want it.

Bad.

This feels wrong.

Stone starts listing off features. “The slave collar is set to your will, so you can freely communicate with her over a distance, silently. She can not harm you, as the collar will start strangling her. If you die, she dies. Within the binding is a seal that will repress her personality, the higher the setting, the more control you have, and more obedient she will be. I just max it out because I am too lazy to deal with people, but I know you’ll just turn off the seal.” Stone stops to take a breath, waving the albino boy away from me. “Finally, if she ever tries to escape, then the collar will decapitate her.”

I thought Lore said the world wasn't all that bad. This sounds really evil.

First thing on my list of heroic duties after I become op is abolishing this slave system.

Gah! Bit tune music again!

“Achievement found!” The soft spoken woman seems almost annoyed. “First Party Member. Five hundred achievement points have been added to your total. One more achievement required to unlock the points menu.”

I’ll worry about it later.

“How do I turn off the obedience thing?”

-------------------

Authors Note: Welcome Ellie to the cast~


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Thu Mar 02, 2017 2:51 am
Carlito wrote a review...



And I have finally returned once again! :D

A small army of werewolves, named Verse in this world, stood outside the inn, the cold faced Stone who gave me my book, she was giving me a fake smile.

This sentence starts to get into run-on territory. Also, how does Mist know that werewolves are called Verse? I know she read about the world before joining the game, but a lot has happened since then, and I know when I read factual material I don't retain every little bit. Do one of the others tell her?

Yesterday, after paying for the damages to the inn from Cruse cutting out a piece of the wall, nothing seemed to really happen. I was forced to sleep in Curses embrace, and the day after was spent studying further into that awkwardly phrased book.

"nothing seemed to really happen" makes it sound unimportant. I like that you're recapping what has happened in a concise way, but do you really need that little phrase. Also, why was Mist forced to sleep in Curse's embrace?

I realized Stone would have been watching me,

Why would Stone be watching her? I think you could get a little deeper into this thought.

Yes Crux, be a quality meat shield!

Huh? Meat shield? What does this mean?

I don’t wanna.

As simple of a line as this is, I really like it! It's a good little thought and it shows her personality - I don't want to, I'd rather not, No thanks - all of those thoughts convey a similar message but her personality is infused in the way you wrote that.

Gah, I’m too weak to do anything but accept her invitation.

Unpack this thought a bit more and help out your readers that might not be as familiar with gaming things. What does being weak have to do with accepting the invitation? Can any of her friends help her right now?

I was quickly lead by to the guild, over to a room marked ‘Stone’, the inside room was simple, a rug hang from the wall as a decoration, but everything else was plain and spartan.

This also starts to get into run-on territory. Read the first part out loud - "I was quickly lead by to the guild" - I think you're missing a word in there or something because the wording seems off to me. Also, can you show us the room more. It's "simple", "plain", and "spartan", but I'm not sure what any of those things mean or what anything really lloks like other than the rug hanging on the wall.

“The magic circles job is to drain mana. A inefficient system, since it cost as much mana as it drains. But through it, we can figure out how big of a mana pool someone has by how much they fill the empty battery bellow.” She pointed at the empty battery. “Then we simply release the mana in the battery, and any species sensitive to mana can figure out what element it is. Which is why we need a Half-Alvear.”

I'm confused. I'm not sure if it's because this needs to be described in more detail or if it's a personal problem because I don't read enough fantasy :)

Oh no.

Unpack this thought a little more too. Where is the oh no coming from? What is she afraid of?

“What are you getting at?” I almost yell, standing up.

I want way more of Mist's thoughts throughout this conversation to help lead me to the conclusion that something is wrong or Stone has some bad plans. Right now I'm not getting the vibes, but if Mist points out red flags as Stone is talking, that might help.

The faint struggle I was giving destabilizing me.

The wording here is funny. Try reading it out loud.

“A mage need a good meat tank, and those fellows won’t be able to protect you forever. Not as good as this girl could.”

I'm really confused by this meat tank term.

Couldn’t she have have called me something manly like that? Ugh, no I can’t encourage that sort of thing even in naming. Slavery is bad.

I think you could go deeper into this thought as well to connect the first part with the "slavery is bad". That last line feels a bit thrown in to me.

Authors Note: Welcome Ellie to the cast~

Hi Ellie! :D

Overall, another interesting chapter. I'm glad we're starting to see the ugly underbelly of this world and things are starting to get a little more serious. I'm still not sure what Mist's goal is or what she's supposed to be doing in this world. She talks about plans about freeing the slaves (and I think she had another idea in a previous chapter), but I want her mission to be clear by now.

My common refrains from previous chapters are true here as well - adding in more description and more inner monologue, etc etc. :) It all takes practice, but when executed well, it'll pull your reader right into the story and will really make everything come to life which is what we ultimately want as writers!

I'm curious to see what Mist's next move is going to be and what's she's going to do with Ellie. I'm also really curious to see how the others will react to this new addition. I'll skip along to the next chapter soon, but as always let me know if you have any questions or if you'd like feedback about something I didn't mention! :D




MeatBunCat says...


In most light novels, which is what I am basing this on, they don't really set a focused goal so much as present a world for the protagonist to survive in, the plot will show up eventually, but world building, and some simple powering up, happens first.

No fancy god like being is going to give her a goal, she is going to build one herself, her interest in ending slavery may play a part in that as she learns more about the world and how she plans to interact with it.

Meat tank is a gaming term for someone made to take all the damage and aggression away from the weaker members of a fighting force. I shoulda explained that, I thought I did in a previous chapter, but I might have forgotten.

As always, thank you for your thoughts!



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Sun Feb 26, 2017 5:53 pm
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Featherstone wrote a review...



Heyo, Fea here again! Sorry it took me so long to get around to it!

So I'm ignorin' ze nitpicks today, Romance Kitty~ just hopping straight into plot and such.

Except one nitpick. OP should be all capitalized. That's it. Nitpicks over.

Other than nitpicks....I can't find much to criticize. Plot's nice, characters are nice, storyline development is nice. The one and only thing I'd like to see is more character development with the rest of the party (like Curse, for example) but now with Ellie there'll probably be more of that.

So yep.

Nice job, ~romance kitty <3~

-Fea




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Sun Jan 29, 2017 11:39 pm
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Dracula wrote a review...



Alrighty, MeatBunCat, it appears I am still reviewing. :D Let's see how I go with this, knowing what happens later on.

“What’s this?” I can’t help but mutter. A small army of werewolves, named Verse in this world, stood outside the inn, the cold faced Stone who gave me my book, she was giving me a fake smile.
You succeeded in weaving important information into the plot, rather than it sounding forced. Good job! I now know that werewolves are called Verse, but I learnt it as part of the story. I wasn't suddenly thrown into a class about your story world.

I don’t wanna.
I do like that you've included her thoughts. But I don't think 'wanna' is word she would use. She's your character, of course, but from what I've read, I think the word is a little out of character.

I was quickly lead by to the guild, over to a room marked ‘Stone’, the inside room was simple, a rug hang from the wall as a decoration,
Hanging* Beautiful descriptions, by the way! Keep them coming.

“We haven’t even started missy.” Stone replies. I am starting to get creeped out by that smile.
Missing a comma after 'started'.

She continues, “But there are a few select races that have so much mana that their bodies form a solid core of mana. Because of that, they can’t actually use magic, until a bit of it is forced out of them.” No, no, no. “They like to call our test an awakening, and it always starts with a bright flash.”
Again, you're revealing important information without it sounding like an info dump. That's what really stood out to me this chapter, your ability to do that. Did you create this system by yourself or is it based on an anime or something?

First thing on my list of heroic duties after I become op is abolishing this slave system.
Cool. So now we've got another goal. Make sure you address this before the novel ends.

This was a great chapter! Thanks for sharing. :D






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MeatBunCat says...


The magic system is just a bunch of stolen parts from all sorts of stories. The mana core idea was stolen from the Chinese Xianxia genre, where many of their stories have some magical organ that they compress energy into, starting as a pool, turning into something solid, and then slowly refining as some sort of magical core. Mines gonna work a bit different though.

Thank you again for the helpful review~




We are all broken. That's how the light gets in.
— Ernest Hemingway