z

Young Writers Society


12+ Violence

Glorious Fantasy Ch.6: A book, a clean, and too many clothes

by MeatBunCat


After dragging me through the town the cold face woman dragged me and Curse into a old building, a library. The building was small, but the inside seemed massive, with rows and rows of books lining everything, turning the place into a maze. Without giving me much time to look around I was dragged to a front desk with another bound slave manning it. 

A calm faced girl who looked a year older then me with scaled eyebrows and deep crimson hair. On the desk she was chained to was the name ‘Syralth’. She looked empty, like she couldn’t properly express herself anymore. I couldn’t tell what she was, but the scaled eyebrows give me the impression of some sort of lizard or snake woman.

“I know your manager has the book, ‘An introduction to gravity’. Sell it to me.” The cold faced woman said.

“Master does not allow me to sell anything from his private collection.” Syralth replied. Never directly looking at the cold face woman. “Please wait, he shall arrive shortly.” I didn’t see her push any button, I wonder if those collars allow them to talk to the person they are bound to?

A few seconds later a short balding grey haired man walked out from behind a aisle of books. I mean really sure. He was shorter then me, and seemed to have a usually long nose. A Decon, the gnome equivalent that I could have picked.

“Forgive me, Stone, but I refuse to sell my only copy to you.” He said, staring up at the cold faced woman.

Stone fits her quite nicely.

“It probably only cost you one green silver, and you’re not even a mage.”

I really want to figure out how this world's economy works. Ugh, I want to focus, but that girl, Syralth, keeps staring at me. Do I look weird?

“Everyone can profit from a mages knowledge.” He argued.

“More so a gravity mage.” Stone said, grabbing at my arm, refocusing me on the conversation. “Which I happened to have found.”

“The dead fish?” The Decon asked, surprised.

Hey! I don’t actually know what that means, but it sounds insulting!

“I’ll pay you five green silver for that book.” Stone said, ignoring his question.

“But it cost me a lot to bring it back to this backwater village.” He argued, frowning.

“Hey, curse.” I whisper

“Two green silver.” Stone said.

“Hey, you’re supposed to raise the offer!” The old Decon yelled.

“Yeah?” Curse whispered back.

“One.” Stone smiled at him, holding up a single green silver coin.

“What does he mean by dead fish?” I asked.

“I’ll take three silver!” The old Decon yelled.

Wait, a haggling shouldn’t look like this, is he scared of her? If so why was he arguing just fine?

“You’re dressed in rags and covered in dirt, dead fish is one of the nicer things he could have called you.” Curse said.

Ohhh, fair enough. While thinking about that a large book was shoved into my hands.

“Read this.” Stone said, forcing my attention. “When you can use the first spell, contact me.”

With that we were forced out of the room. I couldn’t help but notice Syralth staring at me the entire time, and when I finally looked her in the eyes, the door to the library was slammed in my face.

After that Curse lead me to a inn, with the plan to have me take a bath before we go find me some clothes to wear. She offered to help me bathe, but I don’t think I could handle that much stimulation.

I don’t think I can handle what I’m going to see anyway.

Right, right.

Hygiene is important! Nothing wrong with seeing my own body.

Hahahahaha!

“Is something wrong in there?” Curse shouts from outside the bathroom door.

Oops, I laughed out loud.

“Nothing!” I shout back, not bothering to explain myself. I look around the bathroom. Which was surprisingly modern in its design, the kind of modern I see in anime. A large room with a few buckets, a drain in the floor, and a tube full of hot water that I was told to only go in after scrubbing myself. A full body mirror sat to one side of the room, probably to make self washing easier.

It makes sense to do the more Asian thing, assuming they don’t have any plumbing. Though they might have plumbing, it’s hard to get a sense for the world's technology. I don’t see any pipping.

“Are you sure you won’t need any help in there?” Curse shouted in.

“I want to figure it out on my own.” I shout back.

Now, time to...strip.

There’s nothing wrong with that.

My destroyed clothes pretty much fall apart as I try to remove them. Ripping themselves apart from my gentle pulls. How they stayed together as long as they did, I have no idea.

Now to see how I look!

I look into the mirror, my amber eyes posed flat, an apathetic look that barely hinted at my self curiosity. I could judge my willowy form. I could see my soft skin. I processed the divine glow my skin gave off under the dirt. While it was the most beautiful girl I had ever seen. While I got to enjoy a full display of that body.

Nothing.

Well I guess I’d be weird if I was turned on by looking at myself…

Even if I don’t really accept this as my body.

Ugggghhh. I want to enjoy the view, but I can’t.

“Are you okay in there?” Cruse yelled in.

I’m trying to be depressed right now!

“My clothes fell apart.” I yelled back. Might as well reply to her properly. Ignoring people is rude.

“Oh those rags were going to fall apart anyway, don’t worry, Lore just left to buy you something. We don’t really know your size, but we should be able to get you something to wear so we can get you something proper.” Dejected at my lack of interest in the wonderful sight before me, I started washing myself as best I could, trying to ignore the odd sensation of my new, more sensitive skin. After washing myself as best I could, I quickly put on the clothes Lore bought, a simple blouse and long dress, and left with Crux and Curse. Poor Crux was brought to carry the clothes.

You have my sympathy.

When I asked why Lore didn’t want to come she said, “Sorry dear, shopping is boring. I already had my fill for the day.”

Such wise words. Birds of a feather, you and I.

From there I was dragged into what seemed to be the only clothing shop in that village. At least I am safe from being dragged through multiple stores. I hardly paid attention, just nodding at each dress Curse picked up before being forced to put them on. Making me feel like a dress up doll. When it was clear that I didn’t know how to put on most of these dresses, she started stripping me and changing me. Making the doll sensation all the worse.

Crux offered out some reasonable pants and shirts, but all Curse wanted was frills and decorative dresses.

I’m going to be a powerful mage! Pants are practically required for that.

After a tiring day I ended up with twenty different sets of clothes, most of them dresses Curse picked out, with a few pants and shirts that Crux offered, that I had to beg Curse to allow. The total price for it all.

Fifty green silver. I’m guessing that’s a lot.

“Why are you willing to pay so much for me?” I finally ask after she handed it over casually. I got a tight hug from Curse for my trouble. I’d enjoy this if I could breath.

“Because, you’re cute.”

What?

“I don’t understand.”

“Don’t worry about it,” Curse laughed. “Is there anything else you want while we’re out?”

“Well...since you’re offering, I wonder if I could get a weapon.” I say, I can pay them back later.

“Well, I know the guilds local blacksmith. He should have a few things.” Crux offered, pointed at a large brick building that I could see even though it was half way across the village.

----------------------------------

Authors Note: Sooooo much was smashed in!

I hope there are people out there who are still enjoying my story!


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Sun Feb 19, 2017 3:47 am
Carlito wrote a review...



Back again and jumping right in! :D

A few seconds later a short balding grey haired man walked out from behind a aisle of books. I mean really sure.

I'm not sure if that second sentence "I mean really sure" fits in here. Did you intend to include it or is it a typo? I think the paragraph would flow and make sense fine without it.

Ohhh, fair enough. While thinking about that a large book was shoved into my hands.

I think this could be a smoother transition. "While thinking about that..." sounds passive to me. I know you're trying to show that he's daydreaming and doesn't really notice when the book is put in his hands, but can you make it more active?

“Read this.” Stone said, forcing my attention. “When you can use the first spell, contact me.”

With that we were forced out of the room. I couldn’t help but notice Syralth staring at me the entire time, and when I finally looked her in the eyes, the door to the library was slammed in my face.

I would love to know her thoughts at this moment - she's given this giant book and instructed to learn a spell before contacting Stone and they they're ushered out. What's going through her mind? How does she feel? What questions does she have?

After that Curse lead me to a inn, with the plan to have me take a bath before we go find me some clothes to wear. She offered to help me bathe, but I don’t think I could handle that much stimulation.

Is there anything you can show us here during this transition? What is the walk to the inn like? Are there any questions that can be answered or any characterization that can happen right now? And "that much stimulation" - what does Mist mean by that? I think I want more of her thoughts here again.

I’m trying to be depressed right now!

Why?

“My clothes fell apart.” I yelled back. Might as well reply to her properly. Ignoring people is rude.

I'm not sure you need the "might as well..." through the end of this paragraph. I don't think it adds much to explain why Mist is responding because I feel like its implied.

Dejected at my lack of interest in the wonderful sight before me,

New paragraph here because you've gone from Curse's words to Mist's actions.

After washing myself as best I could, I quickly put on the clothes Lore bought, a simple blouse and long dress, and left with Crux and Curse. Poor Crux was brought to carry the clothes.

Weird logistical question. They were out buying Mist new clothes while she was cleaning herself up. How did she get the clothes when she was done without anyone seeing her naked body? You don't have to show every single step in her cleaning and getting ready, but it was just something I wondered :p

Overall, I liked the chapter. My bigger picture qualms are similar to that of other chapters so won't repeat myself too much. Lots of thoughts/feelings/inner monologue/stuff you're already planning on adding to the next draft ;) All of that is going to really amp up the emotional intensity and I think that will be a nice addition especially in moments like I mentioned above with receiving that book.

I enjoyed the light humor you added into this chapter with the gender stuff. I think you'll be able to bring that out a lot more in the next draft as you add in more thoughts and feelings. I'm glad you're mentioning it though because I'd imagine if I were boy and was suddenly in a girl's body trying to be a girl, I'd have some feelings about that too :P I just finished a book that you might like - Under a Painted Sky by Stacey Lee. It's a YA historical fiction about two girls that pretend (by disguising themselves) to be boys to escape the law on the Oregon Trail. Lee does a really nice job showing the difficulties the girls' face especially at first getting used to "being boys". I know Mist's situation is a lot different, but I think there's a similar idea there.

The ending didn't do much for me in this chapter - from after the cleaning off to the end. It didn't feel super consequential. I think you could easily make it consequential by beefing it up and adding more showing and character interactions to move along characterization, sub-plots, answering questions the reader might have about the world through Mist, etc. Otherwise, I'm not sure you need it because it's not moving the plot or the characters along very much.

You know the drill - let me know if you have any questions/if you want feedback about something I didn't mention and I'll see you in the next chapter! :D




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Sun Jan 29, 2017 11:57 pm
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sheysse wrote a review...



Humor's back! And so am I, to review!

As I subtly hinted at, the humor is back. I felt that the last chapter lacked the humor I so love about your writing. Gladly, I see it has returned.

The character (still working on which pronoun to use... I'm gonna go with he) felt very teenage this chapter, which is logical. He was around the teenage age, so I can understand why he would seem that way.

That's your ability to have realistic characters in unrealistic situations, at it again. Honestly, it shows how great of a writer you are. Keep it up!

My one complaint about this chapter was the beginning. It felt like it progressed too quickly. Now, I'm being a hypocrite since I do this too, but I think you should slow it down a bit. Even parts that don't directly affect the plot deserve attention!

Once again, great chapter! I will get around to reading your other chapters, but sadly I don't have the time tonight. :( Well, bravo! Adieu!

-Sheyren




MeatBunCat says...


Thank you for your thoughts!

:D



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176 Reviews


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Sun Jan 29, 2017 11:57 pm
sheysse says...






sheysse says...


Please ignore that glitch.



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Sun Jan 29, 2017 11:14 pm
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Virgil wrote a review...



This is Nikayla here for a review!

You have an interesting writing style, I must say. The reason I say this is because I haven't really happened to see a story where there are a group or cast of main characters that really just travel together and bounce off of each other from there. I always like seeing things that remind me of traditional fantasy. Your writing that you have here doesn't have a whole lot of weight behind it, and it doesn't need to. I like the lighthearted aspect to the story though I can see it perhaps becoming darker later on depending on how the plot goes. It's a fun story and it works for what it is, but let's jump into more of the critique.

Your Author's Note seems to be valid because I did feel like the plot and the chapter felt a little rushed out in terms of pacing and I just wanted to say--it's okay to take your time with this sort of thing. I'm not saying that you have to make it incredibly slow and just have your characters travelling without a real purpose for three chapters or anything of that sort, but take as much time as you think you need to so that you can establish the characters.

Rushing the story out or condensing things that aren't really supposed to be condensed will make it feel like it's going too fast. Flesh it out when it needs to be fleshed out and leave things brief when it's not really anything important going on in the story. The cast of characters are interesting and so are the names that you chose for them in this story, so that's a plus.

I hope I helped and have a great day!




MeatBunCat says...


Thank you for your thoughts, and you too!



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Wed Jan 18, 2017 8:24 pm
Featherstone says...



Lemme know as you write the next chapters, would ya?




MeatBunCat says...


Yes! :D



Featherstone says...


Thanks!



MeatBunCat says...


Thank you for reading my story!



Featherstone says...


You're welcome! I really like the plot/world/storyline (probably because I'm a complete nerd XD)



MeatBunCat says...


Anything in particular you like? (I'm a nerd too :P)



Featherstone says...


Game wise, movie wise, lore wise, book wise, or what?



MeatBunCat says...


The story! (if you want to swap fandoms, send me a pm. : D)



Featherstone says...


Ah, I see XD. I like the kittens, first off. I like how the town is waaayyy to good for medieval times but it's in an rpg, so.... I like the new currency, too.



MeatBunCat says...


Yay for death kitties! Thank you for sharing.



Featherstone says...


You're welcome! If you ever need help or anything, feel free to ask. I'll probably get around to reviewing eventually, too.



MeatBunCat says...


I'm gonna need a lot of points for this story, so do you want me to review anything of yours?



Featherstone says...


I'd love someone to read Shadowsong. It can be a bit dark/violent, though, so if you aren't comfortable with that...




Poetry is like a bird, it ignores all frontiers.
— Yevgeny Yevtushenko