Back again and jumping right in!
A few seconds later a short balding grey haired man walked out from behind a aisle of books. I mean really sure.
I'm not sure if that second sentence "I mean really sure" fits in here. Did you intend to include it or is it a typo? I think the paragraph would flow and make sense fine without it.
Ohhh, fair enough. While thinking about that a large book was shoved into my hands.
I think this could be a smoother transition. "While thinking about that..." sounds passive to me. I know you're trying to show that he's daydreaming and doesn't really notice when the book is put in his hands, but can you make it more active?
“Read this.” Stone said, forcing my attention. “When you can use the first spell, contact me.”
With that we were forced out of the room. I couldn’t help but notice Syralth staring at me the entire time, and when I finally looked her in the eyes, the door to the library was slammed in my face.
I would love to know her thoughts at this moment - she's given this giant book and instructed to learn a spell before contacting Stone and they they're ushered out. What's going through her mind? How does she feel? What questions does she have?
After that Curse lead me to a inn, with the plan to have me take a bath before we go find me some clothes to wear. She offered to help me bathe, but I don’t think I could handle that much stimulation.
Is there anything you can show us here during this transition? What is the walk to the inn like? Are there any questions that can be answered or any characterization that can happen right now? And "that much stimulation" - what does Mist mean by that? I think I want more of her thoughts here again.
I’m trying to be depressed right now!
Why?
“My clothes fell apart.” I yelled back. Might as well reply to her properly. Ignoring people is rude.
I'm not sure you need the "might as well..." through the end of this paragraph. I don't think it adds much to explain why Mist is responding because I feel like its implied.
Dejected at my lack of interest in the wonderful sight before me,
New paragraph here because you've gone from Curse's words to Mist's actions.
After washing myself as best I could, I quickly put on the clothes Lore bought, a simple blouse and long dress, and left with Crux and Curse. Poor Crux was brought to carry the clothes.
Weird logistical question. They were out buying Mist new clothes while she was cleaning herself up. How did she get the clothes when she was done without anyone seeing her naked body? You don't have to show every single step in her cleaning and getting ready, but it was just something I wondered :p
Overall, I liked the chapter. My bigger picture qualms are similar to that of other chapters so won't repeat myself too much. Lots of thoughts/feelings/inner monologue/stuff you're already planning on adding to the next draft All of that is going to really amp up the emotional intensity and I think that will be a nice addition especially in moments like I mentioned above with receiving that book.
I enjoyed the light humor you added into this chapter with the gender stuff. I think you'll be able to bring that out a lot more in the next draft as you add in more thoughts and feelings. I'm glad you're mentioning it though because I'd imagine if I were boy and was suddenly in a girl's body trying to be a girl, I'd have some feelings about that too I just finished a book that you might like - Under a Painted Sky by Stacey Lee. It's a YA historical fiction about two girls that pretend (by disguising themselves) to be boys to escape the law on the Oregon Trail. Lee does a really nice job showing the difficulties the girls' face especially at first getting used to "being boys". I know Mist's situation is a lot different, but I think there's a similar idea there.
The ending didn't do much for me in this chapter - from after the cleaning off to the end. It didn't feel super consequential. I think you could easily make it consequential by beefing it up and adding more showing and character interactions to move along characterization, sub-plots, answering questions the reader might have about the world through Mist, etc. Otherwise, I'm not sure you need it because it's not moving the plot or the characters along very much.
You know the drill - let me know if you have any questions/if you want feedback about something I didn't mention and I'll see you in the next chapter!
Points: 32055
Reviews: 1162
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