z

Young Writers Society


12+ Violence

Glorious Fantasy Ch.5: Achievements

by MeatBunCat


Despite walking through a small village of people, the technology, and fashion of this world confuses me. While everyone was wearing medieval styled clothes, they were refined, balanced in their color, and offered a wide variety of decorations that commoners of the time would have never enjoyed. Like they were enjoying my own worlds sense of textile, while still locked into an older sense of style.

Beyond that the building were all weird!

From what I remember from history, the common house of medieval Europe was nothing but mud and wood, dried together to keep the cold out. While that might not be true of everyone, the vast majority were limited in their comforts. But every house, every building in this small little village gave me a modern impression. They had that same style I remember seeing in so many books, but they were far more solid, cleaner, with warm insides that implied a far higher standard of living then the commoners of my own world. Wood and plaster specially smoothed to give a nice finish, insides that were laid with a warm wood finish.

If this village had a few more skin colors, and some species diversity, I would mistake this for the starting town of a rpg because of how unrealistic it is. There is too much comfort for such a medieval world. If magic could be used for convenience, I would blame it on that, but Curse said that magic could only be used for fighting.

Or maybe she only knows how to use it for that?

I don’t have enough context.

“Mist!”

“Wah?!” I jump, bumping into someone in the crowd before Curse grabs onto my arm, refocusing my vision on her.

“I thought you wanted to learn magic.”

“Of course I do!” I half yell, pulling myself out of my daze.

“Then pay attention, we’re here.” She pull my attention to the building front of me. Unlike the wood and plaster, this building was made from white stone, wood paneling decorating flat surfaces. Just to make the whole thing seem even more grand, carved marble pillars ran the edges, like the whole building was made to clash with the rest of the village as much as possible. To finalize it all, the door was more of a decorated arch. Above the arch was a metal sign reading ‘Moon’s Oath Guild Hall’, a delicate crescent moon made out of marble inlaid in the sign. While I wouldn’t call the hall busy, as nobody was going in or out, I could see quite a few people sitting around through the open door.

“Woh.” I can’t help but say.

“Now before we go in,” Curse leaned down, putting her face on my level. “I want you to prepare yourself. Reception work and magic aptitude testing is usually left to...slaves.” Without saying anything she started leading me in.

Inside was a oddly warm environment, despite being open to the elements. With lots of happy sounding people eating. This place resembling a restaurant more than the guild halls of my fantasies. As the insides were well aligned my vision was automatically drawn to the front desk. A dark grey skinned girl with a shaved head and pointed ears stood there, dressed in oddly frilly clothes, with a gentle smile. While she seemed comfortable, a large metal collar, linked to the desk with chains, betrayed her pain.

“Good afternoon, Vera.” Curse said with a smile as she lead me up to the desk.

“Hello, Curse, did you finish your hunt already?” Vera asked, bowing slightly.

“Not yet, we ran into a distraction on the way, so had to come back early.”

I didn’t mean to be a distraction!

“Oh?” She voiced surprise as she looked at me, like she had just registered I was there. Why does it feel like I am being ignored. I spent a long time planning out this appearance, at least give me a little praise.

Then again I probably look like a beggar right now.

“Then do you want me to search for missing child's report matching her description?” Vera asked.

“No, we came here for a magic aptitude test,” Curse said, shaking her head, “I don’t think you’ll find anything on her.”

How do you know? I mean I know why they wouldn’t, but if I was really a escaped slave, wouldn’t there be a bounty out on me? Oh, maybe this is a misdirection trick?

“Very well.” Vera said, “three green silver please.”

“What? It was just one when I took the test.” Curse half shouted, surprised.

“I’m the only Half-Alvear in this town, so, price jump.”

“Sorry, if it’s too much-” I start talking.

“No it’s fine,” Curse interrupts me, before turning to face Vera again, pulling out from thin air what looked like three dull green coins, calmly handing them over to Vera. “So when can we start?”

Vera tilted her head slightly and then said, “My master is coming, and will be here soon, so please head to the left, and look for a door marked with my name. I will be there shortly.”

Following her directions, me and Curse easily found the room, the room itself was absolutely empty, with a single chair that looks like it was brought in only moments ago, the rest of the room was dedicated to a complex circle pattern, sentences I could read, yet somehow not comprehend making up its bulk, with the occasional picture such as a fire drawing, or a image of a hawk filling the gaps.

This looks like something I could use outside of a fight.

“Curse, you said…”

“You’d have to spend hundreds of years studying to do anything like this.”

“Oh.”

So utility magic like this is possible but has a horrifying number of rules? Fair enough.

Since there was only one chair, Curse forced me to take it, saying I would need to rest for the test.

Magic!

Going to a new world and not learning magic is a waste!

“Curse, why do we need a Half-Alvear for the magic test?”

“There are plenty of ways to do it, but the cheapest way is to set down one of these circles, and then use someone like a battery to power it. Alvear, even half blooded ones, have a far bigger mana pool then the average species. So it’s cheaper to get a...slave to do it then pay a bunch of mages to power it.”

“Thank you for waiting.” A cold female voice abruptly said. Walking into the room was a rather bulky woman in thick leather armor, her cold face matching her voice perfectly. Like she had slept in the arctic. While her skin was quite tan, it didn’t look like she’s actually done much given how unusually smooth her features were. “So who’s the wannabe magic user?”

“Um, me.” I say, standing up fast enough that I hopped out of my seat.

“You look like something the cat dragged in.”

Rude. But you’re right about the cat part.

“Now walk to the center of the casting circle, and sit down cross legged.” The cold faced woman yanked on a chain, I didn’t notice in her hand, Vera stumbled in, steadying herself as the chain was locked onto part of the wall. “Vera here will do the rest.”

Ugh, I don’t feel right about using Vera, but I’m too weak to change anything. I can just get strong enough to get rid of the slavery system later. That’s what most heroes do right?

I quickly follow her directions, and sat down in the middle of the circle, as soon as I did, I noticed Vera’s eyes started to glow a bright blue, the magic circle lighting up under the same color. The glow kept getting brighter and brighter until I was blinded by the light. A strong suction force felt like it was draining me, drawing at my insides.

The pattern from earlier, reappeared in solid black, the rising to outline multiple silhouettes formed, outlined by those symbols, details started adding themselves. First to appear were tails and legs, followed by torsos, then wings, then finally their draconic heads. Dragons? Yes, Five dragons silhouettes appeared before me. Their forms becoming more distinct as I looked at them.

The first confused me, the dragon was half skeletal, a odd understanding of death filling me. With the other side, I saw blooming life, a overflowing vitality. The sensation of these clashing forced entranced me, but I still looked on to the next.

The next dragon felt like it lacked substance, like all I could get was a sense of noise. Sound? Vibration? I could feel energy, dance around the creature at a unstable pace. I was curious, but still was drawn away to the next.

The third dragon gave me a outstanding sense of ancient majesty, yet youth infused its nature. Like I was staring in the face of the beginning and end. A sense of wonder filled me, but I still looked to the next.

The fourth dragon was vast, as if I was looking the tiniest part of something far greater, yet at the same time, the whole thing. It made me feel small, yet grand within its prescience, a great space. Yet, I was still drawn away in the end.

The final dragon drew all of my interest and awareness. Just by looking at it I felt pressure, intense, outstanding pressure that encompassed my entire being. It’s eyes were powerful and all reaching, yet felt soft and kind. It was powerful, yet weak, all encompassing, yet distant.

Is this...gravity magic?

I felt a draw to all of them, but the... love and affection I felt from that dragon drew me in. Like I am a spoiled child who had been away from its arms for too long. As I reached out to it, I hear a pop in my mind and some...bit tune music starts playing.

“Achievement found!” A soft female voice, filled with a fake eagerness, plays in my ear, “Magic awakening. Ten achievement points have been added to your total, please find three more achievements to open the point menu.”

I almost was convinced this was a real world!

A real world wouldn’t have a achievement system or a point menu right?!

I want my tutorial!

The bit tune music abruptly stops and the dragons faded away, my mood ruined.

When the light finally faded, I couldn’t help but yelp and jump up. Vera, was gasping for air on the floor, clearly overdrawn from the spell, but not only her. Curse, and even the cold faced lady from before were all on the ground gasping.

“What happened?!” I yelled, running over to Curses side. She waved me off and I looked around, noticing that the other two had slowly relaxed.

The cold faced women pushed off the ground as soon as she was stable enough and stared me down.

Did I do something bad?

“Vera! What’s her focus?” She said, still staring at me.

“Gravity.” The cold faced woman, yanked up Curse and then pulled me and her out of the room.

“Where are we going.” I ask, scared.

“Out to get a few books.” Even when she started running, she kept glancing over at me. “Don’t worry, I’ll be buying.”

----------------

Authors Notes: Freakin' magic~ 

So! I dunno how well I portrayed the five super magics of the story, so anyone reading, plz share your interpretations of what you think they represent. 

Now then! I hope you enjoyed my story!


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Thu Feb 16, 2017 3:18 am
Carlito wrote a review...



I have returned! :D

I'll start with a few nitpicks:

Despite walking through a small village of people, the technology, and fashion of this world confuses me. While everyone was wearing medieval styled clothes, they were refined, balanced in their color, and offered a wide variety of decorations that commoners of the time would have never enjoyed.

Between the first and second sentence you've switched the tense from present to past. I vaguely remember this being an issue in previous chapters as well.

“Then pay attention, we’re here.” She pull my attention to the building front of me. Unlike the wood and plaster,

I think you could start a new paragraph after "of me" because you've gone from describing what Curse is doing to describing the building.

I spent a long time planning out this appearance, at least give me a little praise.

She spent a lot of time planning this appearance? When? I thought she learned about learning magic and decided right then and there to go for it right now.

How do you know? I mean I know why they wouldn’t, but if I was really a escaped slave, wouldn’t there be a bounty out on me? Oh, maybe this is a misdirection trick?

This thought process confused me a bit and I thought it felt a little disconnected. Maybe try connecting more to the feelings Mist is experiencing right now about getting ready to learn magic, being in this situation, seeing slaves, being thought of as missing, etc.

Ugh, I don’t feel right about using Vera, but I’m too weak to change anything. I can just get strong enough to get rid of the slavery system later. That’s what most heroes do right?

Unpack this thought a little more. Why doesn't she feel right using Vera? Where is that apprehension or dissatisfaction or whatever coming from? How does she know she's too weak to change anything? What is she hoping to change? Why does she want to get rid of the slavery system? She's still brand new to this world and knows very little about it. Thinking of herself as a hero that's going to overthrow an unjust system seems cool, but also a little premature given the full scope of the situation.

The pattern from earlier, reappeared in solid black,

Which pattern from earlier?


Interesting chapter! I liked the way you did the magic test, it was creative and sort of reminded me of how a wand chooses a wizard - you might feel some affinity for a certain kind of magic or a certain want, but when you find your magic or your wand it's like the world stops. Cool! Best guess of what they each represented, in order... (I don't read much fantasy so I'll probably be way off but I cheated and went back to the first chapter to see what my choices are and there were so many choices! :p) Life, Sound, No idea, Light, Gravity????

Now, he chose Gravity as his magic at the very beginning. Surely he remembers choosing that because he remembers other things he chose like his strength/stamina/history. So why does Mist have to go through this magic test if she already knows she has gravity magic? Why can't she just tell everyone "oh yeah I picked gravity, tell me about it".

I liked that you reminded us that this is all talking place in a game with the voice inside his head. That's super cool and creative that game voice (is there a technical name for that??) is inside of her head and he's the only one that can hear it. I thought that was a cool detail. I'm curious to see what the rest of her little missions will be. I also liked the suspense at the end about revealing she has gravity magic. That seems to be a big deal or something in this world and I'm curious to learn more about it!

I think the biggest thing to work on, and I apologize if I've mentioned this before is slowing down a little bit and taking the time to get deep into the thoughts and really show the inner monologues. I think you have a good start with that, but I want to learn more. I also feel like Mist's feelings about her situation and this world have leveled out quickly. I want to know what she thinks about this whole experience, if she has a plan, if she's worried at all, if she's thinking about how she's going to get out of the game, stuff like that. Before she met her friends she was really confused and it feels like not very much time has passed in the game but a lot of her confusion has gone away. Obviously hanging out with people that know what's going on and how to exist in this world helps, but you can still use her ignorance about the game and the situation to your advantage. Remember that this is all new for the reader and Mist gives the perfect opportunity to see things and understand things through her eyes.

I'll leave things there for now and get ready to pop on over to the next chapter, but let me know if you have any questions or if you'd like feedback about something I didn't mention! :D




MeatBunCat says...


She spent a lot of time planning this appearance? When?

A portion of the first chapter explains how David wasted hours planning out the looks of Avery/Mist


Which pattern from earlier?


The pattern that half a paragraph just a few sentences before were talking about, I dunno how else to describe it.

Now, he chose Gravity as his magic at the very beginning. Surely he remembers choosing that because he remembers other things he chose like his strength/stamina/history. So why does Mist have to go through this magic test if she already knows she has gravity magic? Why can't she just tell everyone "oh yeah I picked gravity, tell me about it".

David/Avery/Mist has no idea whats going on, and so far, other then a few things, and the fact he is in a body of his own design, the world feels very real. So I dunno why he/she would ever say 'by the way I set all my stats into magic and picked gravity magic' when he has no idea how the world functions. He is trying to act the part of a girl, and is unsure how much he can say while still seeming normal. At the moment he has no idea what's going on, and making the only people who are nice to him think he is crazy by talking like he is in a video game at them would make things difficult if it turns out not to be.

I also feel like Mist's feelings about her situation and this world have leveled out quickly.


Totally, I'ma planning to double the amount of feeling and thought process going through this story when I edit it, I dunno why I'm so bland about it, but Mist should still be freaking out, at least for the first week until he gets used to the new body.

Thank you for your helpful thoughts and suggestions as always~



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Sun Jan 29, 2017 11:53 pm
Squirtlepowiee wrote a review...



Hey!! Excellent story! I have a few tiny things to point out.

“Wah?!” I jump, bumping into someone in the crowd before Curse grabs onto my arm, refocusing my vision on her. Keep it as “Wah!” or “Wah?” ?! doesn’t convey the surprise she is feeling. As far as I know, it is a weak way of expressing emotion. The rest of the sentence does enough to convey her emotion. Be confident in what you write!

“Woh.” I can’t help but say.” I don’t think there is a correct way to write out a sound, but I believe the most common one is “whoa”.

“Inside was a oddly warm environment, despite being open to the elements.” So is it inside or outside?

“While she seemed comfortable, a large metal collar, linked to the desk with chains, betrayed her pain.” The collar isn’t betraying her pain, it’s betraying how comfortable she looks. I would rephrase that.

“Following her directions, me and Curse easily found the room, the room itself was absolutely empty, with a single chair that looks like it was brought in only moments ago, the rest of the room was dedicated to a complex circle pattern, sentences I could read, yet somehow not comprehend making up its bulk, with the occasional picture such as a fire drawing, or a image of a hawk filling the gaps.” This was an entire sentence. Try spacing it out a bit like this: “Following her directions, Curse and I easily found the room. The room itself was absolutely empty, with a single chair that looks like it was brought in only moments ago, and the rest of the room was dedicated to a complex circle pattern. There were sentences I could read, yet somehow, could not comprehend making up its bulk, with the occasional picture such as a fire drawing, or a image of a hawk filling the gaps.”

“The fourth dragon was vast, as if I was looking the tiniest part of something far greater, yet at the same time, the whole thing. It made me feel small, yet grand within its prescience, a great space. Yet, I was still drawn away in the end.” Vast might not be the best word to be used here. “Yet” is also used way too many times throughout the description of the dragons. You could do without them.

“Out to get a few books.” Even when she started running, she kept glancing over at me. “Don’t worry, I’ll be buying.” I wasn’t sure who was speaking here. Curse, or the lady. If it was the lady, is it okay for her to abandon her job?

Overall, I think this is a lovely story. I see potential and energy in you. Be sure to look out for those tiny mistakes! Great work and keep writing!

~Greetings from Squirtlepowiee :D




MeatBunCat says...


Thank you very much for your thoughts, and I hope you continue to enjoy my story~



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Sun Jan 29, 2017 11:49 pm
sheysse wrote a review...



Sheyren here to review!

So, as I commented last time, humor was a big part of why I liked this story. Now, there wasn't a lot of humor this chapter, but it makes sense, since this is supposed to be serious. I'm not worried that the humor is dropping.

My major comment for this is the five super magic's. I thought they were pretty cool (I interpreted them as death, sound, time, space, and gravity).

They were unique... It wasn't just Fire, Water, etc. And I liked that, because it was refreshing. As I comment before, this is a concept I've seen before. But things like this make it original. Keep it original, because society likes original. If you were to ever publish this, originality would make people embrace it.

The reality of the character remained in this chapter, which makes me happy. I'm glad that it's stayed through the chapters. Now, the challenge is to see if you can keep it up. :)

Overall, nice chapter. Bravo! Adieu!

-Sheyren




MeatBunCat says...


Thank you, and happy you still enjoy~




Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools, because they have to say something.
— Plato