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Glorious Fantasy Ch.10: Friends

by MeatBunCat


“So what do I do?” I ask, in front of me are the only three -with a hang on- that I can trust in this world; Curse, Crux, Lore, and Quill. “Slavery is bad, but…”

“I am perfectly happy with this arrangement, milady.” Ellie said. Even with her personality free, she still had those dead eyes, that crisp tone, and that sense of apathy. I guess anyone would end up like that if they were repressed for a while.

Your apathy isn’t a good thing Ellie.

“I don’t know want to tell you Mist; Even if you don’t like it, Stone has a point,” Curse said, “We can’t be there for you forever, and given how talented you are, we won’t be able to keep up all that long.”

Ugh...

“I can just find friends for that, like you guys, I don’t want to force someone to guard me.”

“Finding someone you can trust to guard you would have been hard. While this girl seems like she would be willing even without the collar.” Crux pointed at her.

“If you find me unworthy milady, I am sure Stone would happily find you a replacement.” Ellie said, her apathetic eyes were sparkling slightly, a slight frown forming on her face.

“I just don’t want to take advantage of you.” I quickly say.

“I can tell you would only have my best interest at heart, milady.” Stop calling me that, you’re hurting my manly heart.

“Are you sure? I’m a pretty weird girl.” Dang it, don’t make me say I’m a girl. It feels weirder than calling myself weird.

“I am sure anything milady muses is only weird to lesser minds.” Ellie says. Oh, dang she’s good at the praising.

Grr. Maybe I can scare her away from wanting to be my slave? Level things out a bit. Ah, idea. I saw this in an anime once, let’s see how good it looks in real life.

“Ellie, do you have to go full werewolf, or can you control how much you change?”

“I can freely bring out any of my traits, but I can only show my full power, when in my true form.”

“Then just shift your wolf ears and tail out.”

“Yes milady.” She didn’t even hesitate before a pair of wolf ears came out of her head and a tail sprouted behind her, somehow not messing with her clothes at all. She still had that deadpan expression.

...I wanna pet her.

I can’t think of anything else. I’m bad at being a bad person.

Ah! Curse I wanted to hug her first.

“Fine!” I shout, pulling Ellie out of Curses chest, saving her from a squishy doom, half dragging her out of the room before I stop, realizing something. “Where do I get bounties?”

“You just learned how to use magic, I don’t think that’s a very good idea.” Curse mutters, clearly depressed at her hug toy being taken away.

“I can’t learn much if you guys are protecting me.” I argue, still holding onto Ellie’s hand.

“Can you even kill something?” Quill suddenly ask, cutting through my amazing plan.

“Then how about just one of you come with Ellie and me?” I ask, after a few moments of silence. “In case I can’t…”

“I am more than enough to protect milady.” Ellie cut in. I’m not that weak enough to need protecting!

Okay I am.

“I’m sure you are, but I agree with Mist.” Lore looked over at her fellow adventurers. “I’ll take Mist and Ellie out to the valley, that should be safe enough with just me guarding. Is that okay everyone?” Lore stepped over, patting Ellie on the head, sneakily scratching her ears.

“Ah, Ellie, you don’t have to keep the ears and tail out if you don’t want to.”

“If milady likes them I am fine with it.” I like them, I can’t lie, I can’t help but stare at them.

I wanna pet her.

“If you’re sure.” Oh right! “Do you have any weapons?”

“My claws are better than any weapon.” She promptly replies, showing off a pawed hand, razor sharp claws exposed, the shift back so fast I could hardly register it.

Since everyone agreed we started setting up for the adventure to hunt monsters, it was pretty late in the afternoon by the time we finished preparing. Since Ellie only had the simple dress from Stone, I gave her my other shirt and pants. Clothes fit for adventuring and fighting in. Since I picked very loose clothes, she was able to fit in them, even though she was taller...and curvier.

After saying our goodbyes, Lore lead me and Ellie through the town gate, taking a sharp right before she stopped, like she just realized something.

“Ellie do you mind carrying Mist for me?”

“Wait, what?!” I can’t help but shout.

“Mages tend to be a bit slow.” Compared to you, yes. Ellie seemed to agree as well, her form shifting into a large brown furred werewolf once again, before I could stop her, she even picked me up in a princess carry.

“No!” I shout. I am not a princess!

“I shall be gentle milady.” Please just sit me down. I’m not going to say it, but please sit me down. She doesn't sit me down.

“Now follow me.” Lore went into a sprint, air shifting out of her way like she had command over it. Given how this world works, that was probably the case. Ellie, despite her natural advantage was only able to keep up with Lore rather than outpace her, occasionally running out of breath while Lore kept to her same even breathing throughout. Somehow running until the sun was starting to set. If we were on horses I think this trip would have taken a day to get as far as we did in half of one.

“Okay then, we’ll set up camp here,” Lore said, leading us to a forest lining the valley they had been running through. “Then start hunting tomorrow.”

“Why not hunt now?” I ask.

“Because it’s hard to see at night.”

“I can see in the dark though.” I argue.

“As can I.” Ellie offers.

“Well I’m your guardian, and I can’t, so let’s start learning how to set up a campsite.” A folded tent materializes from thin air behind her, along with a pile of nails and other tools. “Since we’re so close to the clearing and plan to sleep early, we’ll just stick to cold foods, and set up the tent. What do either of you know about camping?” Erm. I’ve only went camping once with mom and dad, and that was in a RV. Also another world.

“Stone occasionally used me to prepare her camping supplies, however I never was actually brought out on those excursions.” Ellie offered.

“Sorry.” I said, shrugging.

“That’s okay Mist, I was simply asking just to make sure, because anything you’ve learned about camping would have been wrong anyway.” Lore said, leaning forward to pick up an iron mallet.

“What?”

“The common image most people get is a bunch of tents around a blazing fire, with everyone drinking into the night. That might be fine when with a strong group or if you’re in a monster free zone. But you’re just a target if you do that as you both are now.” Lore picked up a few of the metal nails, handing them to Ellie. “Since we’re in a forest, tents are fine, fire is not, for example.”

“But didn’t you start a fire that day we met?” Has it only been 3 days?

“That was purely done for your benefit. You might not have noticed, but I wasn’t the only one on guard that night. A bright light on a dark night is rarely a good idea.”

“But what if we’d freeze otherwise, like in the winter?”

“Then you find a way to hide the light, and displace the smoke. A few tents you can buy in the village we were in are made to hide a fire while letting out the smoke, but we don’t have one of those, and now’s not the time to worry about that. Now first, let's learn how to set up a standard tend.”

Lore went on to explain not only how to set up the tent, but different conditions to avoid drawing attention. How it’s best to avoid tents all together in a valley. How it’s better to stay off the ground when it’s raining. The details ran on and on, to the point that I’d have struggled focusing even without the annoying fault of a short attention span I picked this body. By the time the actual tent was up, the moon and stars were bright in the sky.

“As for the next lesson, you two are going to stand guard for half the night.” Lore said as if it was the most reasonable thing in the world.

“What? I thought you were our guardian!” You even made a big deal out of it and almost lectured me to sleep about camping preparations.

“And what kind of guardian would I be if I was tired when we’re hunting tomorrow?” Lore stepped into the tent we had painstakingly set up, and proceeded to ignore my yells.

“You may sleep as well, milady.” Ellie said, her wolf ears peeking out of her hair again. I lost focus again staring at her before I quickly forced myself to look up at the moon.

“How can I learn if I do that?” I finally mutter. “Actually, since you were dragged here because of my idea, you might be better off sleeping.” My eyesight had started to shift as I stared off into the night, details that would have been invisible in my old body were clear as day. A beautiful forest spread out in one direction, and a moon kissed valley in the other.

“I am happy to go where ever you wish.” Gah, this weird loyalty of hers is starting to get to me. I looked at my hand, one minute spotless, and the next a symbol resembling a wolf head decorated it, the personality repression was still set at zero. How long had she been stuck in that state for her to act this way?

“You know, it’s okay for you to say what you really feel. I’m not going to punish you or anything for disagreeing with me.”

“I will remember that, milady.”

“And, you don’t have to call me that, you can call me Mist. Avery in private...since that’s my real name. Or even something silly like David if you want to.”

“Your name is beautiful milady, I would not dare mock you with a Decon name.” Ah, so the gnomes have my name? I should have read the lore more.

“Then say it.” I look her in the eye.

“I am not worthy.” Oh, so now you start talking back. That’s a start.

“Ellie, Ellie, Ellie.”

“Milady?” Ellie tilts her head in confusion, her wolf ears twitching on her head at the noise.

“Now you have to say my name three times.”

“I’m never heard of such a rule milady.” Ah! Her wolf ears twitched again.

“I’m a weird girl, so I have weird rules.” I say, referencing myself with a grin.

“I am afraid I am a lesser mind.” She replies with a self mocking reference to herself.

Grrr.

“I don’t like slavery.” I finally say, almost growling out the statement.

“I understand milady's feelings, but not your point.”

“So I would rather, instead of master and slave, you see me as another person. I don’t know you, you don’t know me. So lets just leave things at that and try to learn a bit about each other. Then maybe,” I look up at the moon again, unable to look her in the face. “We could try to be friends.”

“I will remember that, milady.”


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1107 Reviews


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Sun Mar 26, 2017 2:38 am
Carlito wrote a review...



Hello again and happy review day!! I apologize it’s taken me so long to come back to this story. It’s been a bad review month :p I’m going to stick with larger picture thoughts on this review and I hope I don’t repeat too much of what I’ve said in previous reviews (because now I can’t remember what I’ve said in previous reviews).

I like the overall light tone of this novel. Even though the subject matter is a little more serious, you’re keeping it light and you’re keeping it fun. I think fantasy novels can easily become heavy and cumbersome, so you’re doing a nice job keeping things moving along. It reads like we’re in a video game or even like a manga. Not sure if that’s what you’re going for, but that’s what I’m feeling :)

Overall, I’m sure I’ve said this before, but I could use more thoughts and more inner monologue. I notice that you give a line of thought sometimes, but it seems to serve as breaking up the dialogue (more on dialogue in a minute) rather than to give us some insight on the character. I want to understand Mist’s thought processes and how her mind works. An example:

Grr. Maybe I can scare her away from wanting to be my slave? Level things out a bit. Ah, idea. I saw this in an anime once, let’s see how good it looks in real life.

I feel like we just flew past a couple of really important things. It starts fine. I like the part about scaring her away from wanting to be her slave because that goes back to all of her other thoughts/ feelings about not wanting a slave. Then I think we jump into warp speed and I feel like I’m missing steps.
“Level things out a bit” – level what out a bit? How is scaring her away going to level things out a bit?
“Ah idea” – I’m a little torn because four seconds ago I said I liked how it feels like we’re in a video game or a manga and this feels true to that aesthetic. But, I also feel like we need more of a transition from her thoughts about trying to get rid of her slave to her idea. I’d also like a few more clues about what this idea even is before she starts talking about going full werewolf. That felt really out of nowhere to me. How did Mist know Ellie can turn into a werewolf? How is that going to solve her problem? What did she see in an anime once and how does it apply to what she wants to do and how it’s going to solve her problem? I think you’ll be able to stay true to your aesthetic while also giving us a little more detail and expanding a little more on her thoughts.

The other thing I wanted to mention was the dialogue. This whole chapter was dialogue with short breaks. Now, I’m not really one to talk because I love dialogue and I tend to use a ton of dialogue in my own work :p Buuuut, this story has a whole lot of other stuff going on. Where are we? What’s going on around these characters while all of this conversation is going on? Describe, describe, describe. This is a weakness for me as well because I tend to get really lost in my characters and what my characters are doing that I forget the world around them, but this is a cool fantasy world! Don’t forget to show us your cool fantasy world! You break up the dialogue with some descriptions of how the characters are talking which is good, and there little things about what the characters do, but I want more description overall.

I’ll leave things there for now and hop on over to the next chapter, but let me know if you have any questions or if something was confusing! :D




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Sun Feb 26, 2017 9:09 pm
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niteowl wrote a review...



Hi there, MeatBunCat! Niteowl here to review for Team Glow Cloud this fine Review Day!

“So what do I do?” I ask. In front of me are the only three -with a hang on- that I can trust in this world: Curse, Crux, Lore, and Quill. “Slavery is bad, but…”


Some grammar stuff here is bugging me. It's unclear who the three trustworthy people are and who the "hang on" is. I would also repunctuate like I did above.

Your apathy isn’t a good thing Ellie.



I noticed this several times in the chapter, where we suddenly get the character's thoughts in the second person. Generally, I would see these written with an "I thought" at the end and/or in italics. It's kind of strange to read them interjected with no transition or separation from the normal narrative.

“I don’t know want to tell you Mist; Even if you don’t like it, Stone has a point,” Curse said, “We can’t be there for you forever, and given how talented you are, we won’t be able to keep up all that long.”



Wait, who's Stone? None of the five people just introduced have that name. Unless everyone has weird alternate names?

“I can just find friends for that, like you guys, I don’t want to force someone to guard me.”

“Finding someone you can trust to guard you would have been would be hard, while this girl seems like she would be willing even without the collar.” Crux pointed at her.


This sounds odd, like she can just go to the store and find trustworthy friend-guards. Also, some grammar corrections in bold.

...I wanna pet her.

I can’t think of anything else. I’m bad at being a bad person.

Ah! Curse I wanted to hug her first.


I feel like this is supposed to be humorous, but it strikes me more as strange. Your just-freed slave is revealing her werewolf traits and you want to pet and hug them? Even with her still-subservient attitude, I would feel very apprehensive about touching her. This desire might make more sense (and be more humorous) if, for example, her wolf-form reminded Mist of some dog in their previous life.

“I am more than enough to protect milady.” Ellie cut in. I’m not that weak enough to need protecting!



Okay I am.


It's sort of weird how this thought is broken up. I would keep it all one paragraph, maybe with a phrase like "I paused and thought a minute" instead of the ellipse.

Since everyone agreed we started setting up for the adventure to hunt monsters, it was pretty late in the afternoon by the time we finished preparing.


This is a comma splice, as the two sentences could be separate. I would use a period instead. There's a couple other places I see this, but I'm trying not to focus on grammar so look over those kind of sentences and make sure you're not separating two complete sentences with a comma.

Since I picked very loose clothes, she was able to fit in them, even though she was taller...and curvier.


No ellipse necessary.

Ellie seemed to agree as well, her form shifting into a large brown furred werewolf once again. Before I could stop her, she even picked me up in a princess carry.


Again, I think this sentence should be split up.

A folded tent materializes from thin air behind her, along with a pile of nails and other tools.


I just noticed here that you have quite a bit of tense switching going on, so much so that I'm uncertain whether you meant to write in present or past tense. Most stories are in past tense, but given the sort of video-game atmosphere you have (I read the first chapter so I'm not totally clueless about what's happening), present could work. Just be consistent.

“But didn’t you start a fire that day we met?” Has it only been 3 days?


Numbers smaller than ten should be written out.

The details ran on and on, to the point that I’d have struggled focusing even without the annoying fault of a short attention span I picked for this body.


Just a missing word here.

“And what kind of guardian would I be if I was tired when we’re hunting tomorrow?” Lore stepped into the tent we had painstakingly set up, and proceeded to ignore my yells.


"Yells" doesn't seem like the right word at the end there. Maybe protests? Also, Lore responded, so she's not ignoring the MC.

Overall, this is an interesting story. Plot-wise, the pacing seemed to move well, though I wonder if you're moving a little slow overall since it seems to be just picking up here and this is Chapter 10. However, I can't properly judge that because I'm not reading the whole novel. The characters also seem interesting. Keep writing! :)




MeatBunCat says...


It's kinda slow to be honest, mostly because the plot started out with the protagonist getting used to their new body, which is still going on. So balancing that with pacing is sorta hard.

Thank you so much for your detailed review!



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Sun Feb 26, 2017 6:05 pm
Featherstone says...



Whoo! I'M BACK ROMANCE KITTY!

Alright! No nitpicks!

"...I wanna pet her.

I can’t think of anything else. I’m bad at being a bad person."

Lol. Just have to say I love this part- so funny ;P

And the conclusion is so great!

I love this. Keep writing!

-Fea




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Sun Jan 29, 2017 11:37 pm
Squirtlepowiee wrote a review...



Hey, Squirtlepowiee here! Nice story! Most stories I read are in 3rd person, so to be reading on ein 1st is an interesting experience. I don’t have much to review. A few sentences sound a bit calm, so I will try to spice them up a bit. (Tried to make a pun because of how your story began and “spice”...no? Ok, okay.)

“Nobody has ever complained when I volunteered to cook, but even when I try very hard to, there is nothing to complain about the braised pork chops glazed with chicken broth and apple cider, mashed potatoes, and pickled vegetables.” Okay. “Nobody has ever complained when I volunteer to cook. When I try hard to get some suggestions, they say that there is nothing to complain about the braised pork chops glazed with chicken broth. Or the apple cider, gold amber fizzing in the back of throats, mashed potatoes, and the tangy flavor of pickled vegetables.”

“Kieran answers some of the questions as best he can, but before I can go over to Jimmy and suggest that she take a break, Halli does it for me. Jimmy walks away, feeling a little hurt.” I got confused on why Jimmy was feeling a little hurt. Shouldn’t he be relieved that Halli helped him?

“More impressive, I see him get a laugh out of both of them—something that has proven quite difficult.” I think in this sentence you are trying to say that the two girls made him laugh. I think the sentence should be rephrased as, “More impressive, I see them get a laugh out of him—something that has proven quite difficult.” Or I might have misunderstood you.

One grammar mistake. “I feel like I should tear myself away from the TV and get to know him myself, but over the course of the hour, I realize the he methodically avoiding me.” I think you meant, “I feel like I should tear myself away from the TV and get to know him myself, but over the course of the hour, I realize that he was methodically avoiding me.”

Nothing wrong with this sentence. I think it’s beautiful. “I hate how people forget how easy it is to dehumanize others when you say that what they do is wrong, especially when they are not harming anyone.”

“It’s only a first effort, but it is yummy.” I think you should change yummy to delicious. There is nothing wrong with the word yummy. I think that since you are writing a story, “yummy” is better used in dialogue.

Back to that previous statement about misunderstanding. Ya, I did. xD

I couldn’t quite understand this sentence. “The woman is Halli if fifty years is as kind to her.”

“I DIDN’T MAKE DINNER, YOUR SON DID!” I don’t get why she is angry. Before, she smiled at a compliment, now she is screaming back at someone who gave her another one. *Keeps reading* Ah, that’s why.

Last one! “My hair that just barely touches my shoulders is extremely disheveled and my hazel eyes do not have that glitter they normally have.” I would rephrase that to “My hair that barely touches my shoulders is extremely disheveled and my hazel eyes did not have that glitter they normally have.”

Overall, awesome story! It was very lacking in large errors, which is a good thing! I see a lot of potential in you! Great work and keep writing!

~Greetings from Squirtlepowiee :D






Oh Im sorry D: wrong copy paste





I'm sorry, ill come back to review!!



MeatBunCat says...


Its okay!




You can't fool me! I listen to public radio!
— Squidward Tentacles