Hello again!
Overall, I thought this was another entertaining chapter. There were some grammar errors and some odd phrasing in places, but I'm not going to spend a ton of time pointing out every little error. If you want me to go back through and do some of that I can, but I think you're capable of finding that stuff One thing I do to help pick up those grammar errors or phrasing issues is to put the text in a different size and font than you normally write in so the text looks completely different on the page, and then read it (even out loud if you want). It's really simple, but it's actually pretty effective because you'll pay more attention to what you're reading.
I like that you keep making reference to the character's skills and you're reminding us of how this character was created. It also retrospectively makes that long segment about him creating this character feel more important and interesting because now there are real life implications of the choices he made back then. I also really like that she's questioning the choices made and wishing she had different attributes. It adds a more realistic quality to the situation.
Are Alvear a type of monkey? I don’t think elves could do what I am.
Here's on instance of some little wording problems - "I don't think elves could do what I am doing". But that's not why I brought this little segment up.
Disclaimer - I read waaaay more contemporary than fantasy, so things that confuse me or things that take me a minute in fantasy, might not have the same effect on a more avid fantasy reader. But anyway.
"Alvear" confused me. I get now that it's the species or race of this character, but I don't remember this being mentioned in the first chapter. If it was mentioned, I remember nothing about it. I think some mention or reminding that this character is an Alvear and that they are a species/race/whatever before the character starts to piece together what an Alvear is exactly.
So of course, I start crying. Pain. Fear. Stress. Chased by giant death kittens. Now I get stabbed in the leg by a tree, it’s too much. If this is still a game, it’s horrible. I’m forced to watch as the giant saber toothed cats slowly surround me, I know I won’t survive this.
In this moment, I was pretty confident the MC would die and that dying in this game = waking up in real life, that the MC would wake up and be like what's going on and that's as far as I got But since he didn't die and he's still in the game, I'm super curious about how one does get out of this game. Because surely there has to be a way out. I'm sure all will be revealed in due time, but I'm freaking out for this MC! And what's happening in the real world while he's in the game? Did time stop on the outside or are people wondering where he is?
By the way, what's the MC's name? Has it been mentioned anywhere? If it has, I don't remember it - neither the name when the MC is out in the real world, or the game name.
But even if he saved me, I can’t trust him, in this world Alvear are hated and enslaved. As a Half-Alvear this bodies pointed ears should normally be hidden by it’s hair, but I doubt I can hide them in my condition.
I want more of the thought process here. Why does the character guess this guy saved her if her race is to be hated and she shouldn't trust others? What motive would this guy have for helping her?
Also, how does she know this information about the Alvear. I don't remember reading about them in the last chapter. Even if I did, refresh my memory. It's still early in the novel and you gave us a lot of information in that last chapter. Little details about a race/group are easy to forget
Why did the MC choose this character in the first place if Alvear are hated and enslaved? Knowing what he knows about the different groups, why did he choose this one? Again, this might have been shown in the last chapter, but if it was, I don't remember it.
While a part of me wanted to trust them, I doubt they would have helped if they know what I was. I can’t trust human kindness as a Alvear. The two girls looked a bit sad when they saw me step back,
Same here. I want to know more about this thought process. How could they not know what she is after they helped? How could she have hidden that from them? Why can't she accept the kindness of others here?
Rejecting their help and running away struck me as a bit odd. I get that he outed himself as an Alvear, but he didn't give them a chance, he just left. They helped him, maybe they would be sympathetic. Also, he's new to this world and has no idea what's going on, where he is, or what he's supposed to do. He just encountered two people that probably have a better clue than he does. I'm surprised he doesn't try to get some information out of them. Even if he ends up taking off, and least he would have a direction and wouldn't be quite as hopeless as he is now.
Overall, I'm still very intrigued by your plot and I really am looking forward to continuing on to see how you develop this story! I think what I wanted more of in this chapter the most, was understanding about the Alvear. You have a lot of style with your writing and I think the voice is great and engaging so far, too. That's definitely one big reason why I want to keep reading!
I'll leave things there for now, but let me know if you have any questions or if you would like feedback about something I didn't already mention. See you soon!
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