z

Young Writers Society


12+ Violence

Glorious Fantasy Ch.2: Death Kittens

by MeatBunCat


The word ‘bad’ keeps flashing in my mind as I run with increasing familiarity through the forest; avoiding trees and branches with ease I wouldn’t have been capable of even in my real body.

Are those agility points at least working?

I quickly glance back to see those giant kittens catching up on me. My chest is hurting, my lungs are burning, and my legs are giving out. I should have put some points into endurance.

Think! They’re too big to climb a tree as easily as an actual cat. Even if they can get up, I should at least be able to rest a bit.

Without even thinking about if I can even get up a tree myself, I take a flying leap at an overhead branch, swinging up on momentum, and jumping to an even higher branch on pure instinct. If this was any other time I would praise myself, but the saber toothed giant kittens already caught up, and immediately slamming their heads into the base of the tree.

Bang

I scream, scrambling up the rest of the tree in a panic.

Bang

They jump at the tree, sliding down under their own weight, but still getting uncomfortably close. So rather than wait for my doom, I jump to a sturdy looking tree in front of me. With grace I could have never mustered even a minute ago, I grab for the other tree and easily shift my weight. Then taking advantage of the momentum, swing to another branch.

Are Alvear a type of monkey? I don’t think elves could do what I am.

Bang

More and more of those giant kittens seemed to run out of the forest, all slamming their fluffy heads into any try I jump to. I figured cats were a solitary hunter but these guys were clearly working together, timing their jumps so that any tree I jump to is quickly uprooted.

This isn’t working, they’re not giving me enough time to catch my breath. I can’t run away anymore.

Rip

Without enough time to jump, the tree I’m on tilts and rips its way through the surrounding vegetation, pushed down under the weight of many giant cats, taking me with it.

I yelp, the feeling of tree branches stabbing at me as I fall with it. As I hit the ground my vision flashes red and I feel some invasive sensation in my right leg.

It’s…so much blood.

So of course, I start crying. Pain. Fear. Stress. Chased by giant death kittens. Now I get stabbed in the leg by a tree, it’s too much. If this is still a game, it’s horrible. I’m forced to watch as the giant saber toothed cats slowly surround me, I know I won’t survive this.

I don’t want to play!

Get me out of here!

One of the giant cats growls, shoving its way through it’s comrades before jumping at me. As I stare at my impending death a large grey blur enters my vision. I hear the giant monster yelp out in pain, and then go silent, its head flying through the air. In fact, all of them went silent, I was so surprised by this grey blurs appearance that I didn’t realize just how quiet it had gotten.

Forcing my vision to focus I realized all of them were dead, some cut like what that unknown figure before me did, but most of the giant kittens were burnt to a crisp like a flame thrower had been used on them. I rubbed my eyes a few times, pushing the tears away, just to make sure I wasn't imagining things. They were all most certainly dead. I focused back on the gray blur from before, which turned out to be a massive human man in plate-mail armor.

The man was very striking in his bright plate-mail and massive shield, like he was some sort of human wall. Besides his size his blonde hair, and bright blue eyes made him look a lot like a fantasy hero, artistically placed scars even decorated his face in order to give him a more rugged charm.

He was looking at me like I was some pitiful animal. Given how cut up I am, and how ruined my clothes were before I fell through a tree, I’m not surprised. But even if he saved me, I can’t trust him, in this world Alvear are hated and enslaved. As a Half-Alvear this bodies pointed ears should normally be hidden by it’s hair, but I doubt I can hide them in my condition.

“Can you talk?” A girl's voice ask behind me.

I cry out in pain as I instinctively try to run away from the voice. The feeling of the wood impaled in my leg gives me a weird, wrong sense of pain, my vision blurring again as I start crying. 

Why do I keep crying?

“Woah there!” Another girl’s voice said, quickly grabbing me, holding my leg still. “Quill, do you have anything to numb her leg?”

“I do, but I rather not waste valuable resources on something so minor.” A man who I assume is named Quill said outside my vision.

“Look at the poor girl,” The first female voice said, finally entering my vision. Through the pain I could hardly see her, but her bright orange hair was striking. “Didn’t your mom ever teach you how to treat a lady?”

“Just pull the stick out, and I can heal her before it even starts to hurt.” Quill walked into my view, kneeling down next to my stabbed leg. I don’t think I like this man.

“Thank you for - ouch!” As I started thanking them for the help, Quill pulled my leg up, the painful, wrong sensation of the branch pulled out of my leg caused me to start crying again, my vision red from pain. Before I could even start to curse at him, the pain rapidly disappeared, a warm, comfortable sensation filled my mind. Not just the stab from the tree branch, but every stinging cut on this body seemed to fade away under that warmth.

“So she speaks.” Quill said, letting go of this bodies leg.

Yes, I don’t like him.

Now that the pain was gone, I took a moment to process the people around me, my eyes first drifting to the knight. The giant shield knight was cutting up the bodies of all of those giant kittens...

I looked away.

The girl who first spoke, the one with striking orange hair was staring at me gently with big round green eyes, her bright hair framing her face with a sort of motherly feeling that reminded me of home.

The man who just healed me through magic, Quill, looked a lot like a sickly scholar, dark black hair, deep set almond eyes, and incredibly pale skin. A lot like the body I am in, but if he ever had the same glow, it had long since been bleached away.

The final girl gently lifted me up from the ground, turned me around to face her, and then tightly hugged me. I got a better view of her chest then her face, but she has incredibly dark black eyes, and hair almost as dark as this body's own, but far purer since it was not tinted with the purple I added in. “Cute.” she muttered while suffocating me, only letting me go after I started flailing from oxygen deprivation. She was giant in more ways than one, almost as tall as plate-mail man.

Finally back on my feet again, “Thank you all for helping me.” I said again, shifting my gaze over them all, unsure what I could do. I took a step back from them all. While a part of me wanted to trust them, I doubt they would have helped if they know what I was. I can’t trust human kindness as a Alvear. The two girls looked a bit sad when they saw me step back,

“Look what you did, you scared the poor thing.” The orange haired girl looked angrily at her male companion and then took a step forward. She offered me a smile and then opened her arms slightly in a welcoming gesture. “Hey there, I’m Lore, I know you’re scared. But I promise that nobody here is going to hurt you.” Lore spoke to me like I was a scared little kid. Though I guess I am. Would they go through this much effort if they were bad people? I’ve never really talked to many people, too focused on studying.

After a few seconds of silence, where it was clear that I didn’t seem willing to talk, the plate-male knight spoke up. “And I’m Crux, can I ask what you’re name is?”

My name's David Wright, but I don’t think that fits the body I’m in. I hope the name I picked works. “I’m Avery.” I said, stuttering a bit, afraid of what they might think. As soon as I said that name, they all just stared at me.

“An Alvear name.” Crux muttered. I don't know how I guessed an Alvear name since I didn't pay attention to the lore back when I was creating this body, but they practically handed the human naming scheme of this world to me on a silver platter, and I just ignore it. Panicking, I decided that rather than stick around and let them capture me, I quickly ran for it, hoping that whatever agility let me keep ahead of a bunch of giant cats could help me here.

----------------------------------------

Author's note: Not the the kitties!

I'm not so sure about this chapter, but I'ma postin' it anyway! Hope you all enjoy!


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Thu Feb 02, 2017 3:37 am
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Carlito wrote a review...



Hello again! :D

Overall, I thought this was another entertaining chapter. There were some grammar errors and some odd phrasing in places, but I'm not going to spend a ton of time pointing out every little error. If you want me to go back through and do some of that I can, but I think you're capable of finding that stuff :) One thing I do to help pick up those grammar errors or phrasing issues is to put the text in a different size and font than you normally write in so the text looks completely different on the page, and then read it (even out loud if you want). It's really simple, but it's actually pretty effective because you'll pay more attention to what you're reading.

I like that you keep making reference to the character's skills and you're reminding us of how this character was created. It also retrospectively makes that long segment about him creating this character feel more important and interesting because now there are real life implications of the choices he made back then. I also really like that she's questioning the choices made and wishing she had different attributes. It adds a more realistic quality to the situation.

Are Alvear a type of monkey? I don’t think elves could do what I am.

Here's on instance of some little wording problems - "I don't think elves could do what I am doing". But that's not why I brought this little segment up.
Disclaimer - I read waaaay more contemporary than fantasy, so things that confuse me or things that take me a minute in fantasy, might not have the same effect on a more avid fantasy reader. But anyway.
"Alvear" confused me. I get now that it's the species or race of this character, but I don't remember this being mentioned in the first chapter. If it was mentioned, I remember nothing about it. I think some mention or reminding that this character is an Alvear and that they are a species/race/whatever before the character starts to piece together what an Alvear is exactly.

So of course, I start crying. Pain. Fear. Stress. Chased by giant death kittens. Now I get stabbed in the leg by a tree, it’s too much. If this is still a game, it’s horrible. I’m forced to watch as the giant saber toothed cats slowly surround me, I know I won’t survive this.

In this moment, I was pretty confident the MC would die and that dying in this game = waking up in real life, that the MC would wake up and be like what's going on and that's as far as I got :P But since he didn't die and he's still in the game, I'm super curious about how one does get out of this game. Because surely there has to be a way out. I'm sure all will be revealed in due time, but I'm freaking out for this MC! And what's happening in the real world while he's in the game? Did time stop on the outside or are people wondering where he is?
By the way, what's the MC's name? Has it been mentioned anywhere? If it has, I don't remember it - neither the name when the MC is out in the real world, or the game name.

But even if he saved me, I can’t trust him, in this world Alvear are hated and enslaved. As a Half-Alvear this bodies pointed ears should normally be hidden by it’s hair, but I doubt I can hide them in my condition.

I want more of the thought process here. Why does the character guess this guy saved her if her race is to be hated and she shouldn't trust others? What motive would this guy have for helping her?
Also, how does she know this information about the Alvear. I don't remember reading about them in the last chapter. Even if I did, refresh my memory. It's still early in the novel and you gave us a lot of information in that last chapter. Little details about a race/group are easy to forget :)
Why did the MC choose this character in the first place if Alvear are hated and enslaved? Knowing what he knows about the different groups, why did he choose this one? Again, this might have been shown in the last chapter, but if it was, I don't remember it.

While a part of me wanted to trust them, I doubt they would have helped if they know what I was. I can’t trust human kindness as a Alvear. The two girls looked a bit sad when they saw me step back,

Same here. I want to know more about this thought process. How could they not know what she is after they helped? How could she have hidden that from them? Why can't she accept the kindness of others here?

Rejecting their help and running away struck me as a bit odd. I get that he outed himself as an Alvear, but he didn't give them a chance, he just left. They helped him, maybe they would be sympathetic. Also, he's new to this world and has no idea what's going on, where he is, or what he's supposed to do. He just encountered two people that probably have a better clue than he does. I'm surprised he doesn't try to get some information out of them. Even if he ends up taking off, and least he would have a direction and wouldn't be quite as hopeless as he is now.

Overall, I'm still very intrigued by your plot and I really am looking forward to continuing on to see how you develop this story! I think what I wanted more of in this chapter the most, was understanding about the Alvear. You have a lot of style with your writing and I think the voice is great and engaging so far, too. That's definitely one big reason why I want to keep reading!

I'll leave things there for now, but let me know if you have any questions or if you would like feedback about something I didn't already mention. See you soon! :D




MeatBunCat says...


I would love if you wanna grammar hunt for me. I want to get as far into this story as I can, but I always burn out when self editing, so I plan to hold off until I finish the book (30 chapters, assuming I don't get any new ideas to add on).

You probably skimmed it in the beginning, it was one of three race names I listed when mentioning how the world had the same races as many fantasy rpg's just with different names. I then mentioned the protag picking the race Half-Alvear because it was the closest to elf, a common mage race. As I was already being too info dumpy, I decided to hold off on really explaining much about them, since other then the race being almost extinct, and the left overs slaves, nothing else was relevant to the events going on. I plan to have the protagonist learn about the race, and what they actually are as a personal growth experience later.

In this moment, I was pretty confident the MC would die and that dying in this game

I wanna leave that in the air for a while. Everyone knows the protag is gonna get plot armor. But if I leave the exact nature of how they are here in the open, all the danger seems more real. Because maybe, just maybe, I will kill them off and the whole story will take a massive 180.

:P

The original name of the protag is not mentioned, which was meant to show a aspect of his original character. Avery was mentioned when he was planning the character out, along with why he picked it.

Why did the MC choose this character in the first place if Alvear are hated and enslaved?

Because he didn't expect actual consequences, since video game race choices rarely influence things, and when they do its minor. But now he is in a new world as a very attractive little girl, part of a race everyone has been enslaving. Of course he would be freaked out and paranoid. As for how they only realized it on the name, the looks of the character he designs is explained in detail. Other then the ears, which are hidden by her hair, she looks like a human. As do most half-Alvear.

As for the rest, reasonable, but who's gonna pick the reasonable option when they just went through a life or death experience?

Thank you for your detailed thoughts, and happy to know you like the story~



MeatBunCat says...


I meant the little girl thing literally, as in the character is short.

I'm 16, clearly I am an adult and everything.



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Mon Jan 16, 2017 12:52 am
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Megrim wrote a review...



Typing as I read again, so you'll notice a disconnect between my paragraphs ^^

I love the thoughts toward agility vs wishing she put points in endurance, etc. Fun way to tie the stats screen in with her real problems.

I feel some invasive sensation in my right leg.


I think you could be a little more vivid / descriptive with this. It's kinda vague so I don't really know what to picture.

So of course, I start crying. Pain. Fear. Stress. Chased by giant death kittens. Now I get stabbed in the leg by a tree, it’s too much.

Lol

Another trope I wouldn't mind seeing overturned: can the big powerful paladin who saves our protag be a woman instead? And if he has to be a man, can he at least be not white?

And maybe there can be something more unique/distinct about elfin features than simply pointed ears. Honestly something about the word "Alvear" makes me think dark elves, and I keep picturing her with grey-black skin.

I like that there are more female characters than male. However, I'd still prefer the assumed gender roles to be mixed up a bit, and I'm very conscious of how white they all are. Also, you don't need to mention everyone's eye color. How about something more distinct about their clothing, or a uniqueness to their features? Like a mole or a scar or freckles or some other memorable thing.

I'm wondering if the other characters are native to the game world, or other people who've been sucked in and formed a party.

Would they go through this much effort if they were bad people? I’ve never really talked to many people, too focused on studying.


This is too simplistic. He's had *some* contact with people in his sixteen years, surely. It feels too unrealistic; even us gamer dorks who don't leave our dens have plenty of social interaction with our peers via the internet. And while he may have POOR social skills, he wouldn't have NONE.

I like the new characters and I can't wait to get to know them more. I think the personalities are fascinating as are their powers. I honestly would like them 100x more if you mixed it up a bit more, though. Have a woman be the plate-armored knight, have a male be the soft gentle one. Give me a black guy or a hispanic guy a la Captain Andor from Rogue One, or a blind guy or a deaf girl or SOMETHING diverse. There's no reason not to based on the world lore you've established so far.




MeatBunCat says...


Another trope I wouldn't mind seeing overturned: can the big powerful paladin who saves our protag be a woman instead? And if he has to be a man, can he at least be not white?

To be honest, most of the strong characters for this story are gonna be female. As for the skin tone thing. In our world, mixed skin tones are pretty normal. Travel is easy, so seeing some mixing is common. However, skin tones I figure would be a bit more isolated here since people can't move as much. As the protag goes further south, more skin tones will show up, dun worry. Also, the orange hair lady is the powerful one!

And maybe there can be something more unique/distinct about elfin features than simply pointed ears.

Well i'm trying to stick to normal mmo conventions, so all the races are gonna be pretty human like. But the ones here are halves, so their gonna be even more human. I plan to have the pure elves be all glowy, with animal like skin tones. Orange, green, pink.

This is too simplistic. He's had *some* contact with people in his sixteen years, surely. It feels too unrealistic; even us gamer dorks who don't leave our dens have plenty of social interaction with our peers via the internet.


Look at how he thinks and how he acts. He's gonna be fine, yet he's going to be nervous regardless.



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Sun Jan 08, 2017 10:50 pm
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Zoom wrote a review...



I should have put some points into endurance.

Haha, I liked this.

Think! They’re too big to climb a tree as easily as an actual cat. Even if they can climb a tree, I should at least be able to rest a bit.
Without even thinking about if I can even climb a tree,


You use the phrasing “climb a tree” three times in quick succession, rework this because it can become tedious to read the same phrases over and over.

If this was any other time I would praise myself, but the saber toothed giant kittens from before already caught up


No need to say “from before” – we know which kittens you mean.

I figured cats were a solitary hunter but these guys were clearly working together, timing their jumps so that any tree I jump to is quickly uprooted.


Nice, good description.

Stop with the water works body.


This doesn't make any sense, try to reword this so your meaning is clear.

“So she speaks.” Quill said, letting go of this bodies leg.


Stop saying “this body” – we get by now that it isn’t technically your protagonists real body, but it’s their body now so for the sake of clarity just say “my leg”.

I got a better view of her chest then her face, but she has incredibly dark black eyes


You switched to present tense with “has”

***

Final comments:

1) The main issue again is that your writing seems incredibly rushed, as if you wrote the whole thing in one continuous stream and didn’t pause once to read back what you wrote. I found a lot of typos, missing words and improper punctuation. A recurring issue is a missing apostrophe, such as “My names David Wright” – it should be “name’s” as it is a contraction of “name is”. It makes it very difficult to read the work without having to pause a lot. I’m only saying this because the more you polish up your work before posting, the more in depth your reviews will be. Or in other words, the more seriously you take your own work, the more seriously other people will take it.

2) You writing becomes frantic in places, with Avery screaming a lot. Obviously anybody would react like that in similar situations, however you need to write about it in a way that isn’t annoying to read. I suggest to remove a lot of the “ahhh!”s and substitute for something else, like action for example.

3) Here and there some good uses of comedy shone through, as well as some good characterisations of Avery getting used to her knew body, haha. I enjoy the light-hearted tone you are using, it keeps the story fun.

I would like to read further posts to see where this is going, and if the new characters are in the exact same position as Avery in that they were forced into the game or if they know more about the situation. Also I’m a hugggeee Sword Art Online fan so there’s that vibe going on. Until next time!
Zoom




MeatBunCat says...


Stop saying %u201Cthis body%u201D %u2013 we get by now that it isn%u2019t technically your protagonists real body, but it%u2019s their body now so for the sake of clarity just say %u201Cmy leg%u201D.


Well its a he in a she body, not born that way, but suddenly dumped into the new body after living most of his life in the male one. So I figured he wouldn't recognize it as his own, at least not for a few days or weeks. Suddenly switching to full recognition would be weird. Soooo, avoid self descriptive language after I push on the point?

The main issue again is that your writing seems incredibly rushed, as if you wrote the whole thing in one continuous stream and didn%u2019t pause once to read back what you wrote.


I kinda did that. I read back on a bit, but not the whole thing. I never get very far in these stories because I spend so much time self editing that I burn out. So dad told me to just write the whole thing and worry about editing later.

I dunno how to balance this.

I suggest to remove a lot of the %u201Cahhh!%u201Ds and substitute for something else, like action for example.


Good idea!

Thank you so much for reading this, I'll start looking into what you suggested soon! ^.^



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Sun Jan 08, 2017 6:18 pm
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Hikarufire64 wrote a review...



Hi there MeatbunCat! Hikaru here to review your chapter!

The first error i noticed was in this sentence right here.
"I don’t think elves could do what I am."
I think you meant to say.
"I dont think normal Elves could do what i just did."

Second error was in this sentence right here.
"More and more of those giant kittens seemed to run out of the forest, all slamming their fluffy heads into any try I jump to."
Heres a better sentance with the errors corrected.
"More and more of those vicious giant kittens were pouring out of the forest, all of them slamming their fluffy head against every tree i jump to."

Another error was right here in the first part of this sentence.
"some cut like what that unknown figure before me did, but some were burnt to a crisp like a flame thrower had been used on them."
I did know what you were trying to say there in the first part of the section so i couldnt remake the sentence.

Overall this was a decent chapter to read, i liked how you pointed out how the MC put skill ppints into his own stats in hopes that it would work out for him though i never really relied on agility much in rpgs i always felt vulnerable when i moved first,
The characters that saved david seemed very interesting and mysterious especially the pale wizard. I really hope to see more of this story so keep writing!




MeatBunCat says...


Thank you for the error spotting, I needed that.

As for the last line just means that some of them were cut up, some were burnt to death.

When I play rpg's I always balance out my stats and pick the dude with the biggest sword. But I always figured any magic class would be better off running around and dodging things then taking a face full of swords or magic monster fangs.

Happy that you liked it, and hope you are willing to read more! Thank you for the review! ^.^




Daddy Long Legs are more closely related to crabs than spiders and somehow the idea of crablike creatures with spider legs that have escaped the entrappings of the primordial sea and now crawl over land and can walk up and down walls and ceilings creeps me more than I can adequately describe.
— Snoink