When the sky turns an eerie gray,
I know it's time to end the day.
This shadow cast upon my eyes, blocking me from sight;
I feel as if it is meant to be, the passageway to night.
Every time I see the stars
appearing one by one,
I know that they were made for me
for twilight has begun.
For what name shall I can,
my favorite time of day?
Twilight is what I say to this
for in it don't I play?
If I have not missed it yet,
can I go out and play?
I cry a little every time
I miss the end of day.
When it's time to sleep at night,
I feel a bit of grey;
I know that when I am alone
there's a little of twilight inside of me.
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139,289 Literary Works • 672,524 Reviews
To be honest, I was kind of hoping this poem was about Twilight the movie! But alas it is about the time when the sun is setting which is also good!
Ah! I think this is one of your strongest poems for imagery Zelda. Nicely done especially in those first couple of stanzas.
I think there's a wording problem here: "For what name shall I can, my favorite time of day?" I don't see a question within this sentence, and further it doesn't make any sense.
I also didn't feel like the lines about wanting to go outside and play fit the character of the poem. Like in the rest of the piece the speaker seems very thoughtful and maybe a little dark and contemplative so then saying "Can I go play now???" is sort of a weird juxtaposition. I just wasn't expecting the speaker to be a little kid I guess.
I thought the last stanza was really well done, but I wanted more of those elements in the rest of the poem so it's not coming out of nowhere. Like can you incoporate the feeling of wanting to be alone, or the mysterious "twilight" personality into the earlier parts?
The rhyming throughout was done well, it didn't seem awkward at all, although I wish the lines had been a bit more consistent in length to help the balance of the poem.
best,
~alliyah
This has been a review from the Team of Werewolves. Happy Review Day to you!
Hello, E.E here for a possibly quick review and maybe some utter nonsense! Grim is here as well, drinking hot cocoa and being a slacker. *Grim looks over, glaring* So, lets get started.
So, first thing I notice is that a line or two is missing commas. Those lines would be "
Every time I see the stars", "I know that they were made for me", "Twilight is what I say to this". The line "I cry a little every time" needs a period at the end of it but otherwise, it flowed spectacularly.
Now is when I dissect your poem and see if I can't get its meaning right! So, in your poem you are telling us, the reader, that you loved being outside. Maybe it means that you can escape the things or people that plague you but it just brings round a sense of serenity. But as dusk arrives, you can't help but feel so sad. You want the day to be longer, you want to be able to go out more and enjoy the world for what it is at the moment. When you are alone, you feel hollow, like a piece of you is missing and the sadness grows.
Overall, I liked the poem and keep up the good work! Happy Halloween! I really need to go now Grim has souls to reap and he needs more cocoa. He has a problem, seriously. Cheerio and fruit loops to you!
Heiyo, Zelda! You know me as Artemis28, but I'm Lupa now.
Anyway, happy Review Day!
"I know it's time to end the day.
This shadow cast upon my eyes, blocking me from sight;
I feel as if it is meant to be, the passageway to night."
The last two lines of this section are quite clunky and are too long for my taste. Divide them into more lines, or at least try to shorten them up a little bit.
"For what name shall I can,
my favorite time of day?
Twilight is what I say to this
for in it don't I play?"
This whole stanza is confusing, in your word choice and the way that you mix up your flow just to make it rhyme. That's a huge no-no in writing poems. If the rhyme burdens your flow, discard it. And "what name shall I can" and "twilight is what I say to this" don't help your poem because they don't make much sense.
The fourth stanza uses the exact same rhyme as the third stanza, which is repetitive. Again, the rhyme is impacting your originality and flow.
The last stanza has no rhyme at all, and that's jarring to the reader (or at least me). If you're going to work with your rhyme scheme here, make sure that it fits the last stanza as well.
However, I really did like the last two lines, as they were consoling and hopeful. Your poem is very creative in its idea, which really helps my opinion of it. All in all, you did well in expanding your readers' notion of twilight. Good job!
XOX,
Lupa22
The first thing that popped up in my mind, when I saw the title, was 'Kataware doki'. It's from this movie I recently watched (Kimi no na wa, if you're curious
). It's supposed to mean 'Twilight, when it is neither day nor night.
Well, now on to the actual review xD I think the first stanza is my favorite.
It perfectly portrays the idea of twilight when the sun sets and starts casting shadows everywhere I'd like to think that twilight is a time when the speaker likes to forget everything to turn a blind eye to their worries and problems.
I find the third stanza a bit confusing. The first two lines sound slightly awkward to me. Try reading it out loud.
The fourth stanza takes a sudden turn from the hopeful to a desperate one. It seems repetitive though. Maybe you meant to show the desperateness but it seems very vague.
I love this last line!!
I really hope I was helpful!!
hi there! deeproses here for a review! I hope these tips help you!
oooooooh twilight~
First off I would like to address the imagery was beautiful! I think you did a pretty good job.
Now let the critiquing begin!
Let's start with the first stanza:
I don't see a point in separating the first line from the rest of the stanza but that could easily be a formatting mistake or just your preference. But I think it would be better all together. The third line throws me off, I understood what you were trying to address but i think you could have used better word choice to create the imagery of the sky.
only issue with this stanza is i would recommend putting a comma or semicolon after the third line.
this poem was not your strongest, it dragged on and confused me a bit. I do not think it fits the poem so well, and the poem would be better without this stanza completely or just wording it better.
The formatting and wording of this poem dragged the poem on even more. Also, putting a comma after the third line.
only thing wrong with this is you may wanna put something, comma or semicolon, after the third line.
overall, this poem was pretty good. Grammar is not needed but it sometimes help the reader, reviewer, and helps it flow nicely. you did nice with the imagery but i would recommend using better word choice.
good job! hope you enjoy this review and keep writing! have a good day
Thank you! It was supposed to be call, not can; and in the last stanza I meant to imply that Twilight reflects my personality, but it didn't really fit. The extra line is a formatting mistake. Thanks!
Hello again! Feather here to review!
Again, I never review poetry. But never say never, 'cause here I am!
Like the last one you did an excellent job with rhyme, rhythm, and wording. It is easy to read, understand, and connect with.
The one thing I would say is that having the word play twice so close together makes it a bit weird, I think. Is there another word you can use there?
Keep on writing!
-Featherstone of the Knights of the Green Room