[u]This is a poem I wrote about a childhood friend who has been with me up until this point.[/u]
I love you as my very best friend
but all good things must come to an end
I have to do the right thing
and let you go
running into the mouth of spring
leaving me in winter
fending off the bitter cold
while you flourish
your song unmolested
your voice unheard
while I await your return
from miles behind you
knowing I'll never catch up
but daring to try
--
I watch you emerge into summer
its warm tendrils of sand
immersive
while I wait
alone and cold
begging for you to stay
but knowing you have to go
--
i'm freezing
--
but it's okay
--
I've always liked the cold
and you've always deserved better
than a little old roadblock
like me.
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139,468 Literary Works • 672,573 Reviews
Hey ZeldaIsShiek! You reviewed an awful lot this Review Day, and I thought I'd repay you with a review! Hopefully it will help your further writing adventures! Let's get right into it. ^^
The idea you are discussing is something I can relate to on so many levels. I think that's why it stood out to me to review -- it is very relatable yet personal. That being said, the concept of a friend leaving to 'roadblocks' wasn't really mentioned at all, besides the ending line or two. I think that as my main issue. The idea of 'roadblocks' isn't specified enough, and actually isn't represented enough at all. Throughout this poem, you related friendships to the cold/temperatures. That was a nice imagery piece, but how does that all tie into roadblocks? Why is the poem called roadblocks? I honestly think you have a stronger analogy between this friendship experience and the feeling of cold temperatures.
The spacing and format felt a little awkward with how you broke apart lines and stanzas. It places a key part in the writing of poetry. For example:
The concept is both the same here and it might even do better with the two lines in one stanza. Otherwise, it feels like the ideas are scattered everywhere.
I got a lot of emotion from the speaker. But, I am curious about this other perspective: the friend. How do they feel? Why did they leave? The interactions between the two? I only got one side of the story, and I think in this situation, the writing might be stronger with this other perspective. The speaker discussed on and on about how they felt, but that got dull and continued for a while. The emotion might be distributed in a more interesting way if there were a second voice to this.
Besides that, I think the language you are using is very poetic and descriptive -- you show wonderful imagery. I just think it wasn't on point of what you wanted to represent, or what it looked like you were trying to represent. The message was very relatable and close to me, though.
Thank you for sharing! Hopefully this review helped, and if you have any questions, please feel free to ask! Sorry this review wasn't the best quality.
Thank you for the review. As the second-to-last line implies, I am the roadblock that was holding them back from greater things and they finally got over me.
Hey Corrupted Arrow here with a review!
(The Comma Police is here! Anything I say here is just constructive criticism. If I offend you I apologize in advance.(I will try to be humorous.)
HOLY CRAP!!! Well my heart shattered into a million pieces reading this! But on the other hand it works, it makes sense, and People can relate to it!
From what I can see you don't have any grammar and/or comma mistakes. Keep up the writing, have a good day.
Thank you for the review.