Just as a warning this deals with issues such as rape, death, pregnancy and abuse. (I'm not really twisted honestly! 
)
This really is a work in progress. I'm looking for some help mostly with the structure of this more than anything because I feel like it is untidy. But also any thoughts on the ideas etc would be much appreciated! It is meant to be like her thoughts so that is why there are words missing and a lot of short sentences because that is how we think! Also please read it with the enjambment where there is enjambment because I wrote it like that for a reason Thanks in advance!
Home. Should be homely.
But not my home.
Too many bad things for me to call it that.
So I didn’t.
But when he did it, I thought I could tell ‘em.
So I did.
Mum, I said. Mum I’ve....
Then her jumpin’ to her stupid
conclusions
HIV!
No! No that’s not it. I’m....
Then a whispered word low enough
just for her to hear.
She yelled it out, a deafenin’ shout.
And he came runnin’.
She could sense my fear
she knew it was him, him who did it.
She stepped in front.
A wall of noise
concrete bangin’ on my ears
Her screamin’ ‘im shoutin’
then a fist.
Solid bone and little flesh
a metal ring smashes my head.
The floor.
Cold comfort.
Then a hand wrenchin’ me up
slammin’ me against the door
my body crumplin’
my searin’ pain
my hand gropin’ for the handle
a click.
Me pushin’ with the last of
my strength
Fallin’ onto the path outside.
Stomach smashin’ down
taking most of the force.
I felt it die.
Then my head. Concrete.
Blood on my fingers.
Tears in my eyes.
Hands.
One clutching stomach.
One clutching head.
One last thought.
Dad.
You got what you wanted.
Now your baby’s dead.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
140,618 Literary Works • 673,554 Reviews
Okay thanks everyone for your comments they mean a lot. In case anyone is interested I based this on a monlogue that I read recently which really hit home to me about these issues and I felt like I needed to write it down and came up with this.
Thanks Hayley, it's really helpful to have an angle from someone with some experience of the issues of the poem, thank you I will include more of a struggle.
Thanks everyone
Lydia
I loved it! And I don't think the sturcture is messy because of all the enjambement. It makes you just read on and read on without the structure getting in the way. It's a poem that's not to be looked at but to be slid though. That's the way it's written; so it's perfect! Leave it
Very good I liked it... Though I will say from experience...
Telling or... even hinting to a parent that you are pregnat usually makes you sick... The feeling makes you think that maybe you would be better off to die than tell them. So maybe when on the first line I belive it is... You should show a little more struggle to how she tells them...
It obviously wasn't something that she wanted to happen.. The baby was forced on her (as it was on me.. but definatly not by a family member) and she needs to put up a little more... "I scared" to it...
The emotion was strong... It was very deep and everything you said had an unpaced beat that flowed well. Each line made you want to read it faster, giving it the effect of the fight or the "war" between them.
I like the wording... the everything about this poem was great.
(:
---Hayleyy
This is a very good piece. It's hard to believe this really happens to some people.....
Wonderful... that is deep.
Nice story.
Really good!