Thanks for your feedback. This is still a little rough around the edges so nit-picks are welcome.
The Buzz:
Have you ever felt it?
That fuzzy, wuzzy feeling,
that buzz that gets you squealing!
Of course you must have felt it!
That cosy, rosy feeling,
that buzz that’s so appealing!
It warms you from the core,
It fills you to the brim
It gets you bouncing
whirling
jumping
laughing
smiling
soaring!
That buzz after performing,
is the most,
wonderful
glorious feeling!
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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139,476 Literary Works • 672,575 Reviews
Hi Lydia,
Gotta concur with Rosalie about miscontruing this sexually. Not sure that's what you're going for, but almost any adult will read this with the undertones you might not have intended. However, if this IS an adult's poem, it's actually quite an amusing poem about orgasms. If not, and you're writing this about love/lust/a crush, I'd probably revise it to lose the, er, awkward second meaning. But I'd keep it, because it makes me laugh.
Hey there! So, unlike Rosaline, I'm really bad with children's poetry so I'm going to review this like adult poetry. Because this is all I know and I'm mature like that. (I wish?)
Anyway! I think if you want to make this more grown up you should give more reason behind the buzzing. What is it? Where is it coming from? Does it represent some kind of emotion like nervousness, happiness, love? Can you represent it with a metaphor rather than being abstract? (avoiding all association with bees; no need to be cliché)
I also expected this poem to have a lot of onamonapia but instead you just rhymed things and used abstract action verbs. I think if you grounded this poem better into what you're actually talking about, it would quickly mature the poem into something that more people could enjoy.
Again, sorry! I have no experience whatsoever with children's poetry. I hope this review helped none the less!
Hey, Lydia!
I'm going to critique this as a childrens' poem. If this was not supposed to be a childrens' poem, honey, perhaps we need to talk.
Unless you're Lewis Carroll, avoid making up words in your poetry, especially if you're writing for children. In this case, you've used a familiar phrase--fuzzy wuzzy. This makes it both a cliché and made up. If you must make something up, there better had not be a replacement word you could use--and the fact that you used a cliché proves that there was, indeed, something you could have chosen.
Unless you're Shel Silverstein, also avoid things that could be sexually misconstrued when writing for children.
The first two lines of this stanza are quite cool--you've got a rhythm going. A bouncy rhythm. Perfect! However, you need to work the third line to have the same number of syllables as the first two. The fact that it doesn't makes it seem like a line that doesn't belong in a stanza that is either singular verbs or a certain rhythm pattern.
I would reconsider this line. If it's a kid's poem, abstract fuzzy feelings are perfectly okay--you don't have to put reason behind it.
Thanks for the read! Let me know if you have any questions or want me to read something else.