The signal what does it say,
I can’t see it.
Red? Amber?
It’s amber,
lets continue on our way.
The trains are on the same line.
They are going to crash!
Drivers, can you hear me?
A crackle and the line goes dead.
Now they’ll never stop in time.
I can see the face of the other driver,
scared, confused, last prayers.
A screech of metal,
a bang, a scream, a cry.
And a final deathly silence,
only voices of the dead reply.
Hello! It’s Sarah!
You’re through to my answer phone!
Hello?
Can you hear me?
Pick up Sarah.
Sarah?
Hi! James here!
Don’t forget to leave a message!
Hello?
James where are you?
Are you ok?
James?
The answer phones echo,
the recorded messages play.
From the wreckage of the train,
Friend's and loved one's voices say,
“Where are you? Hello?”
“Answer, stop driving me insane!”
But there is no answer.
Not now, when it is too late.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,814 Reviews
Hey there!
Wow Lydia, I think you've got some true originality here. I especially liked the first 3 stanzas before the phones. I thought the tone was constant and drawing so well done. I also think that all of it was well structured and well punctuated so I didn't really have any troubles with fluency besides a couple of grammatical clear ups that have already been mentioned in previous reviews.
What I will say though is that the phone and answer machine stanzas were fantastic to read. The only problem with it is that I didn't feel it had an ending.
That just didn't do it for me and I think you need another stanza to seal in what's happened and burn a lasting effect on me.
It was a stunning piece though.
Keep up the good work
Ben
Juni
Thanks for the ideas, actually it's a train crash but hey its very similar
I'll work on that and try and post it up soon
Hello, Lydia!
Ooh, car crash! Exciting! I think the idea behind this poem is all good, cool stuff, but I think you do need to work on your execution of such, dearie. Right now, it's laying on the generic line, because, think of all of the stories and poems you may have read of car crashes and such? They all cover the same basis point, which is the crash and loss, ja? Well, here you need to kind of distinguish this from the common pieces that explore this topic and explore it more. Instead of just brushing lightly on it, give us more. Imagine how the passengers felt during the moments of and before the crash? Why not give us a sip of that? How about what the scene really looked like? Tell us a little bit of the images and supporting details of such so that we can better relate to your poem.
June
Thanks Amy,
Maybe you are right, I'll have a think about it!
See you in chat some time
~Lydia
Hey Lydia!
I actually really enjoyed the voice-mail part. It was original, and made the poem really interesting for me. However, doing it fully three times felt like a little bit of overkill. Maybe you could just do two, and then switch to the generalization of messages left?
But I really enjoyed this! Well done!
~Amy
Hello BondGirl, Thanks for your feedback.
The voicemails were people who were ringing the phones of the dead people and of course they cant reply. It was an idea I had from something we are doing in Drama.
But yeah thanks I'm glad you enjoyed it!
~Lydia
Hey Lydia! So you've got a really cool way of rhyming, which I really like, it doesn't sound too forced which is a common problem when you try to rhyme poetry. The only problem I really had with this was when you changed to the voicemail part, that had me a little confused. But I really liked this, very original. Keep writing!
I loved this so much. You are really talented. It shows sadness and pain that is happeing and will happen soon with the families. Keep writing you are amazing at it!
Hey, Lydia!
This was really awesome, but also sad. Just one grammatical error I noticed:
I think ones and friends should be possesive. It should be friend's and loved one's, because it's their voices.
Great job!
Hi I'm Layla.! I liked this piece but I just want to point out a few things.
I'm not the best person with grammar editing but it sounds pushed together. Somehow you're going to need to change this.
the beginning sounds a bit long, it sounds better when you shorten they and are to just make it they're.
what is the crackle coming from??
I'll let other people continue correcting this, but this was overall really good.