I'm not really sure what format this is supposed to be! Please feel free to rip this to shreds, the subject matter is pretty close to home so I want this poem to be as good as it can be! Thank you :)
I did nothing deserving celebration
in the short life I lived I hardly led nations.
Does my life even deserve to be noticed?
Or will how it ended forever be the focus?
I never went further than my small home town.
I wasn’t popular, clever or the classroom clown
I was the girl that blended into the walls
but that didn’t save me from the comments and brawls
I wasn’t the beauty so desired by others
the image in our heads from the magazine covers
I looked fine in my head but according to them
I was hideous and someone they had to condemn.
I tried to do well, I tried to succeed,
I tried to not let it all get to me.
I was not a bad person, far from it in fact,
yet I was the one they chose to attack.
So I never achieved fortune or fame
nor really had time to play at life’s game
it’s hard when your day consists solely of pain,
and you just want to take off and cry with the rain.
Should my short life be any less honoured
than the lives of those who don’t care for others?
Because they’ll be the ones that make it to the top,
because they don’t care who they have to stop.
They will have the time to achieve
for them recognition is preconceived
yet they beat me down ‘til I couldn’t believe
that the constant depression could ever leave
but they’ll be the ones in whom we’ll believe
because they’ll be the ones who will succeed.
Who cares about me? I am drowned in fatigue
struggling to ignore the hurt, and proceed
my self esteem trampled on ‘til it bleeds
the shards of my life, too hard to retrieve
what was I meant to do?
Should my whole life be cast in shame
‘cause I decided to end it too soon?
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139,476 Literary Works • 672,575 Reviews
Hey, Weather here with a review.
Well, I thought this was a very personal and sensitive piece, it had a lot of thought put into it and a range of emotions that kept on accelerating until the final climax which had the most depth of the story the character was expressing.
You did well in creating the mood and atmosphere of nostalgia and melancholy. There is always room for improvement so I have just a few things to suggest that may help. (All nitpicks really)
"I did nothing deserving celebration
in the short life I lived I hardly led nations.
Does my life even deserve to be noticed?
Or will how it ended forever be the focus?"
The first line felt a little long as there wasn't any commas or semi colons separating the sentence so it wasn't as capturing as it could have been, I suggest you use some line breaks e.g. a comma after the word, "lived". Your last line in this stanza didn't have the best clarity, when read aloud it doesn't read so eloquently, in my opinion so perhaps just a minor change of switching the words around e.g. "Or will how it ended be forever the focus?" If you don't want to alter it much that is. I liked the meaning behind it however.
Although your final stanza held a lot of emotion, I think it was longer in terms of presentation and didn't fit the quatrain pattern you began with. Splitting poems into quatrains, as started makes it easier to read, when it's more like a big paragraph a certain effectiveness intended to be a powerful ending becomes lost.
Overall a well thought out piece with great use of imagery, keep writing!
--Weather
I tried to not let it all get to me. The word "all" to me was not needed in this sentence.
This piece was really full of emotions, I was able to feel what the writer would have felt, I felt sad and and almost hopeless. coming out from this I also felt a sense of anger building up inside of me because my personal conviction. You see, only you can allow you to feel this low, feel this worthless, and believe what others perceive you to be. you are responsible for your highest high and your lowest lows additionally you are responsible for your own success.
My favorites lines were:
-I was not a bad person, far from it in fact,
yet I was the one they chose to attack.
in this sentence (Who cares about me? I am drowned in fatigue
struggling to ignore the hurt, and proceed
my self esteem stamped on ‘til it bleeds
the shards of my life, too hard to retrieve
what was I meant to do?) i thought that something was not correct.
can you right it as: Who cares about me? I am drowned in fatigue
struggling to ignore the hurt.
my self-esteem trampled on ‘til it bleeds,
the shards of my life, too hard to retrieve.
what was I meant to do? (i liked the word trampled because it have a little more power)
Again, I must say that you did a good Job! and also, i really like your writing.
Keep Writing!
La
Thank you for your comments!
I like your idea to use 'trampled' I think I may use that!
Glad you liked it