Alone On Christmas

I just read another poem about being alone on Christmas not too long ago, so I thought this would be a fun one to follow that up with. Also late-welcome to YWS, I really hope you're enjoying the site so far!

Okay let's get to the review!

Narrative/Meaning

I really had a difficult time deciphering the story of this poem. At a few times like the "give money to cindy" "eat the gingerbread" etc.. it just seemed like a collection of unrelated Christmas images. But digging a bit deeper taking the narrative as a whole it seems to be about a person who is said that their partner/child/friend is gone, because it means they are going to be alone on Christmas, and it seems to ruin all the joyful parts of the season for them. What I don't understand from this poem is 1) What happened to their friend and 2) what is the business with the cryptic references to "red hands"? 3) is the poem actually about missing some outside subject or is the "you" actually supposed to be the reader or the narrator

That’s the christmas red,

On gingerbread man

But that's not christmas red

Running down your hands

^ I read this and was like... what?! I was intrigued, as this simple Christmas lament had taken a curious mysterious turn... but the mystery is never resolved in the least. My cursory theories are the narrator murdered their lover and that's why they're gone, and now they regret it. Or that the lover was injured possibly by self-infliction, and that is why they are no longer home for Christmas because they died or went to the hospital. Or third theory - the poem is referring to "red handed" in the metaphorical sense - so they actually were caught stealing, possibly cheating on their lover - which is why they're not together anymore.

Now any one of those themes could make for a really engaging and unique poem - but unfortunately we aren't quite given enough to get their unless the reader is willing to basically "write the story themselves" - it's okay to be mysterious, but maybe fill in a few more of clues as far as the conflict is concerned at least, not only because it'll help the poem make sense, but also because it'll help readers connect to the conflict and sympathize with the speaker if they know more about what they're going through.

Another edge of the poem's theme that I don't think is quite developed enough is what I'll call the Capitalism-Critique on Christmas - a common theme in media, but not necessarally as common in poetry - the speaker makes points about how Christmas should be for serving the poor and sick - I think that's interesting, but what rationale does the speaker have for this, and how does that moral connect to them as a person? Straight-up morality lessons in poetry rarely go over well if not connected to some sort of story or character, because people dislike being told what to do anonymously - instead we like to judge for ourselves (see it work out for someone else) or be told by someone we can identify with (like a speaker who has flaws and a personality) - while "morality poems" used to be pretty popular, I think they just don't go over as well in modern culture unless they have one of those two things. Main critique here is connect the moral to the story, or get rid of it if it's distracting from the main message.

Praise

I like that you start the poem with a concrete image:

"I’m sorry you dropped your old holiday mug

Nothing lasts forever"

it can be easy for holiday poems to become cliche with indistinct talk of "bright lights" and "Christmas trees" - so giving a specific grounded image, helps make the poem seem more authentic and not just putting up a "facade of Christmas". While the opening image is a bit on the dramatic side (like opening the first chapter of a book with the words "EVERYTHING changed when I met HIM") I think overall I still like it, especially because I can personally connect to the image because I've actually dropped and shattered a holiday mug that I had bought my mom for Christmas - not once, but twice in my life! So that image hits home. It's bitterly disappointing - and pulls me into a specific emotional space right at the start.

I think some of your other imagery pieces could be used a bit more instrumentally to tell a story - like how was the mug dropped? was it dropped in anger?

Your grammar and spelling are well editted - so the piece looked clean on the page.

I like that the speaker has a little bit of attitude too - like when they say, "Those gifts are phony" I think the more casual language makes it easier to connect to them.

Suggestions

Lyrically-wise I think you could format this a little more clearly to show where verses/chorus begin and end, and it looks like you have a lot of repetition which is good for lyrics because it makes it a bit more catchy - however the flow could use some work, it seemed rather inconsistent in line length to me, which will make this difficult to sing I would think and a bit of rhyme or assonance might also help it with being a bit more catchy. It doesn't need a straight-up Dr. Seuss rhyme scheme, but most songs have a little bit of sound-devices here and there to help with the flow of the piece.

For capitalization - my biggest comment is that you didn't consistently capitalize Christmas and it should be capitalized if you're observing normal grammatical conventions so as not to distract people.

You might also think about changing up your capitalization scheme up a bit - rather than having the first of every line capitalized (which really breaks up the piece and flow of rhythm and logic, because the reader pauses At Each Capital Letter Because we are conditioned to Believe It Is A New Sentence <- you see what I did there?). You might want to try capitalizing at the beginning of new thoughts or sentences, to see if that improves the flow - especially because you have so many very short lines.

As I said in my analysis of meaning, my main critique of this poem is that the conflict isn't developed enough to understand so the poem leaves me with far more questions than answers. I actually wrote a quick article on how to inject more specificity into poetry in order to make the poem connect more with readers if you're interested: Specificity in Poetry. And while the Conflict I think needs more specifics, I think the rest of the poem could actually be whittled down a bit, there's an abundance of Christmas imagery in here and it's almost too much I think - I would ask - "is this imagery giving the reader something new, or is it just repeating the point that it's Christmas - if the imagery is communicating a new feeling or detail about the speaker's character or conflict keep it, but if not, lose it! Sometimes less is more in poetry, as far as things that don't pertain to the meaning of the poem.


Overall

I wasn't sure what I should expect based on the title I was worried this would be a terribly depressing and dull poem, but you actually were able to inject some really intriguing threads in here - a little more development on those loose ends and I think you could have a really unique poem here. Please let me know if you had any questions about my review!

~alliyah

Hey there! I thought I'd give you my thoughts on these lyrics.

First of all, full disclaimer: I don't celebrate Christmas! But I decided to read and review this anyways, because I do have holidays that I celebrate, thus I should be able to relate to this, and I LOVE reviewing song lyrics, and couldn't resist.

So, something I liked about this-- and I think is always a good sign in song lyrics, is even though there is no tune provided, I was still singing these lyrics in my mind! I think that's a good sign because it shows that it has potential to fit to music/be sung-- AKA, it has that sorta lyrical flow. So yeah, good job!

And everything should be red, on christmas

I'm sorry, I couldn't stop myself: when I read this I automatically thought of a much gorier scene then I'm sure you were trying to convey!

Oh, no one should be alone on, Christmas

Strangers can be friends

Oh, no one has to be alone on, Christmas

Haters can be lovers

I wanted to quickly talk about formatting. So for these lyrics, everything sorta comes one line after another, there's no real variation in the formatting, and it makes it all kind of blend together and a little hard to follow. Lyrics usually have verses and sometimes choruses, and it can be helpful to break them up so that we get a better idea how the song will go. So I sorta copied and pasted what I thought was the chorus, but there also could have been more to the chorus, but I wasn't sure because it was all kinda together in one. Although, it's entirely possible you started out with it formatted different and then the Publishing Centre munched it all together- sadly that's a thing with poetry/lyrics formatting on here. And the easiest way to fix that is to take a screen shot of your poem/lyrics, and then load it into the publishing centre as an image.

But there's no point

You’ve got no one to kiss you

Because no one's gonna miss you

I get that it's kinda a sad poem, but this is almost like... rubbing it in people's faces? XP Maybe that's just me! I thought this was a little harsh in a way. I know a lot of people probably do feel very lonely on this holiday and wish they had someone to snuggle and kiss... but saying there's no point in the whole mistletoe thing? I thought it was kinda funny to be honest!

You shouldn’t,

Spend money on presents for yourself at the mall

So I get what you're trying to say here: if your sad about being lonely on christmas, stop griping about it and feeling sorry for yourself and go out there and make it a good holiday by enjoying it with people who are lonely too. But I STILL have to disagree with the line above; I think it's perfectly alright to treat yourself, especially if you don't have anyone in your life to treat you- and people shouldn't feel guilty for doing that! Yes, donate to charities and people who are less fortunate, but also, treat yourself! Otherwise, by that same logic, no one should be giving their loved ones presents, they should be only giving to charity. I do believe very strongly in giving to those less fortunate than yourself, but I also believe in looking after yourself, and giving yourself permission to celebrate... alone!

That brings us to the other thing I'd like to mention: I know this song was about sorta being alone on christmas. BUT "alone" was repeating a lot in these lyrics, and I think it was kinda breaking up the flow of the piece, and not really helping it keep a fresh vibe to it. It's like in prose, how when you repeat a word or something too much, people get tired of that word and it looks funny in the writing. Perhaps there's a way to switch it up a bit? Talk about what it's like to be alone, instead of simply stating "alone" so much? Just some thoughts, anyways!

In any case, keep it up! I hope to see more lyrics, and writing in general, by you in the future! ^_^

-Holysocks