Young Writers Society

Home » Literary works » Lyrics » Dramatic

E - Everyone

Counting

by Luke14


Counting

Your born with your attractions

Just like your born with your skeleton

Your born with your deep passions

Just like your born with your sense of fun

But what if I fell for someone who doesn’t like to play opposites

And what if they only like the two of us as friends

You could never see me

Like the way I love you

I could never believe

Like the way you do

And that’s okay

I think I overhyped it anyway

Yes it’s okay

That’s the only thing I needed to say

But not what I wanted

I was born with my attractions

Just like I was born with my skeleton

I was born with a deep passion

Just like I was born with no sense of fun

But you could never love me

That’s just my, fantasy

It’s not who I am

It's just what I am

You could never see me

Like the way I love you

I could never believe

Like the way you do

And that’s okay

I think I overhyped it anyway

Yes it’s okay

That’s the only thing I needed to say

The angel from heaven broke its wing

When I saw her I mended her to sing

Once more

I fell in love with her

But I could never tell her

She went home

The angel from heaven broke its wing

When I saw him I mended him to sing

Once more

I fell in love with him

But I could never tell him

He went home

That’s where I should have stayed


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
107 Reviews


Points: 58
Reviews: 107

Donate
Fri Dec 28, 2018 9:20 pm
Katnes wrote a review...



Katnes here with a review
This review is not intended to offend or hurt you or make your poem seem bad. But be warned you may feel offended anyway. So let's get started.
Word repetition
Okay first of all there is this paragraph
You could never see me

Like the way I love you

I could never believe

Like the way you do

First I wouldn't use'' like the way'' twice. Try varying it. I would do this
You could never see me the way I see you
Or try using love instead of see.
I could never believe like you can.
That's all I could find. Oh on thing.
It’s not who I am

It just what I am
You missed the apostrophe s in the secant It's.
Hope this helps
Katnes




Luke14 says...


Your right about the apostrophe, thank you for catching that. And I understand the repitition, but this isn't just a poem, it's lyrics. The repitition is the result of a chorus. But I suppose "like the way," might sound rather irritation upon listening.



User avatar
40 Reviews


Points: 2668
Reviews: 40

Donate
Tue Dec 25, 2018 9:22 am
hiraeth wrote a review...



Hi!

Let's begin with saying that this is lovely.

And some parts it leaves you a little confused, but the vague and slightly abstract nature of the poem is appealing in its own way. There's the Why questions that linger in the readers; i'm dying to ask, "why" and the poem gives you the NEED to know (am i making sense?).

A part that really glares out though is the first few lines:

"Your born with your attractions
Just like your born with your skeleton
Your born with your deep passions
Just like your born with your sense of fun."

So i take it you meant to write 'you're' and not 'your', because, well.... you <B>are</B> born with your attractions, and 'you are= you're' not 'your.' But that's probably just a mistake that comes through writing for a long time; all i'm saying is that it's a little...off?

On to the next.

"I could never believe
Like the way you do"

so. Believe in..... god? love? um....the universe? or does it mean just the action of faith and trust? I love how this sentence allows you perspective and offers a choice, it remodels its meaning according to the mind of the reader, and i think that's a very special quality.

And then....

"That’s the only thing I needed to say
But not what I wanted."

*sighs* that's the story of all our broken hearts, isn't it? what should be done, is so far away from what you WANT to do, what you need isn't enough for all that you want, even though you want it so badly that it tips into need.

"I fell in love with him
But I could never tell him
He went home
That’s where I should have stayed"

I had such a hard time trying to decode this...
so, the narrator falls in love with a fallen angel (metaphorical, of course) and he helps him, mends him. And he falls in love with the angel, with all of his broken and beautiful parts, but he cannot tell him (why?). And the angel goes back home (to heaven?). That is where the narrator should have stayed- that is, in heaven, right? home is heaven?

so, yeah, this poem is beautiful, and there are so many ways in which one can interpret this....its wonderful.





Age was respected among his people, but achievement was revered. As the elders said, if a child washed his hands he could eat with kings.
— Chinua Achebe, Things Fall Apart