Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

Away From Everybody Else

by Luke14


Away From Everybody Else

I wish that I had legs

So that I could run around

I wish I had a mouth

So that I can speak to you

I know that i’m okay

Is the lie I told myself

I know I must smile

That is the way to convince

But underwater

Beauty of the blue

Wish that I could choose

Thunderstorms

love to

shock me down

Which is

where I stay

Away from everybody else

Tidalwaves

will make

All my fears

Seem real

Anyone

Does anybody know your name?

I wish that I could see

Wish that someone could see me here

I wish that I weren’t me

Oh Is there something wrong with me

I know there’s somebody

Somebody else that feels this

I know i’m not alone

Or am I not of this world?

Unique is lonely

No one can touch me

What i’ve got to loose?

Hurricanes

I make

Blow the face

I fake

To the wind

Away from everybody else

Climate change

I burned

From the trees

Of damned

And now I

Now I don’t even know my name

I’m not a needle in a haystack

I’m not talking like the rest of you,

Don’t even know my way around

Guess you could say I’m new in town

Cause I don’t have a town

I’m just like a needle in a haystack

The only piece of metal in this

Pile of this old drying hay

Guess you could say that I drowned

I told you that I don’t have a town

I was taught to be a clown

Make us laugh and you will frown

I told you that i’m trying to drown

Because I know that i’ll never be found

Thunderstorms

love to

shock me down

Which is

where I stay

Away from everybody else

Tidalwaves

will make

All my fears

Seem real

Anyone

Does anybody know my name?


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User avatar
48 Reviews


Points: 61
Reviews: 48

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Sun Feb 07, 2021 6:32 pm
sunlightwarriorxo wrote a review...



Hey!
This is a great song - I love your language and imagery. You really hit the full emotional impact of your title. My only suggestion for refining/editing would be for this section:
Guess you could say that I drowned

Falling to pieces,

They told me that healing was easy,

Get up and brush the dust,

I'm crying on my own,

Could anyone ever pick up the phone?

I told you that i’m trying to drown

Because I know that i’ll never be found

This fire I walk alone.

However these are all just suggested edits of course - its your work so you do whatever you feel is best! But other than that, I love the song. Please continue writing (hope that my editing suggestions were somewhat useful)! :)




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5 Reviews


Points: 17
Reviews: 5

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Sat Jan 25, 2020 9:06 pm
Arete wrote a review...



Hey Luke. First off, let me say I'm not the best reviewer. I've actually see you have a lot of other, and better, reviews left in this comment section. But I just had to leave my opinion here, but I just wanted to let you know how much I liked this!

The words are powerful, and the message seems clear. At least, to me it does. I especially liked the ending, it really put everything together quite well. Though, if there's one thing you should work on, it would be having overly long descriptions. Besides that, it was amazing!

Keep up the good work.




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31 Reviews


Points: 2299
Reviews: 31

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Sun Sep 29, 2019 11:08 am
promptlyby12 wrote a review...



Hi luke!
I'll start with saying that I really like the basic idea, and your approach towards bringing it out. However, I believe you might need to work on how that approach is executed, especially in terms of introduction of metaphors and structure(specifically rhythm, punctuation and line structure). The first thing i would like to address is that one should keep a poem as concise and one can. Don't give unnecessary and long descriptions when not required.Let your readers get into the poem, or better, make them think about the poem. I believe a poem should have the perfect combination of information and prompts that hint your reader towards what the poem means, but also makes them think. I would specifically suggest shortening the second last stanza. Though I love the connotation of the poem, I think one thing i think is missing is freedom of interpretation. You're not leaving your reader with 'choice of connotation', which is a key element of a poem.
Secondly, I think you need to edit the punctuation a bit, and separate this into stanzas( I have a feeling that you did break it up, but when you submitted the poem the program messed the stanzas up, as I do see some places where I believe stanzas are breaking). You also need to work, through punctuation on adding rhythm to the poem and a regular one. I see some rhyme, but it doesn't compliment the overall rhythm. Play around with breaks and enjambment to try and solve that.
For example, in line 4 replace "so that I can" with " so I could". Look for edits like this which would make it flow better.
Other than punctuation and a lot of unnecessary words and descriptions(like in the second last stanza, you're repeating the same idea) the poem is pretty good, and I liked your use of metaphors.
This is a great poem, just play around with rhythm and it will be even better.
Thank you for sharing this with us. Have a great day/night.
-Ani.




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48 Reviews


Points: 5808
Reviews: 48

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Sat Sep 28, 2019 4:07 am
AndName wrote a review...



Helllo!

This is a very powerful poem. I love the short stanzas, most of my poetry comes out the same way, and I think its very clear, but at the same time abstract. And it rhymes! I really enjoy understated rhyming, mostly because I'm bizarrely incapable of rhyming :P
I liked how you wrapped up the ending, tying the poem together and restating the feel (whoa. That sounded very literary of me) but for about 8-10 lines at the very beginning I was sort of drifting along, wondering where it was going. Then the abstract stuff kicked in and I was really interested. Maybe you could somehow incorporate the beginning into the middle? Shuffle it around like a deck of cards. Yeah. That way the poem will match, tying it up even better than it already is. This is a fantastic poem!

(also, I liked the contradictory lines "I’m not a needle in a haystack" and "I’m just like a needle in a haystack")

Tootles,

AndName





I do all of the training for Walgreen’s cashiers.
— The Devil