Young Writers Society

Home » Literary works » Poetry » Review

E - Everyone

Wonder, Sometimes

by LucytheBrave


I wonder, sometimes

on a lonely night

why I turned out 

the way I did

and the answer

is always

the same.

There is no 

reason.

No well- thought 

logic.

It was random.

There.

is.

no.

why.

It`s freeing.

Really.

To know that 

Nothing.

Nothing.

Is expected of you.

I can do

whatever

I want.

I wonder, sometimes

on a lonely night

what the world would be like, 

without obligation.


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
23 Reviews


Points: 281
Reviews: 23

Donate
Wed May 16, 2018 1:07 am
Jevan13 wrote a review...



This poem sets the stage for so many opportunities. When I began to read it, I started to expect alot. So when we ended abruptly it was sort of a let down. But that's good in a way, as it means your work is interesting enough to cause a reader to be awaiting more. So, it does not lack interest. Take the advice of the others and you'll be set

-Jevan




User avatar
383 Reviews


Points: 19607
Reviews: 383

Donate
Sun Apr 10, 2016 2:13 pm
Sujana wrote a review...



Firstly, the One Problem I Had That May or May Not Matter:

-"There.

is.

no.

why." No why? No reason why, you mean?

Actual Honest to God Review:

I liked how this poem is shaped like a chalice. I don't know if that was at all intentional, but I felt like it could've been used to make a meaningful poem about alcohol or power or wealth or drunkenness or something. Of course, I don't think you intended that, so this is a bit useless.

Now, let's talk about the content of the poem. Overall, it had an interesting concept. Anything exploring a world without obligations is interesting, really, but I don't think this poem really tried to explain what it meant. It brought it up briefly, never played with it later. It's just sort of there. I think this is definitely a wasted opportunity, and you could've used it to magnificent feats. But for now, it sort of sits there like the foundation of something bigger.

As InfiniteRectangle's said, I didn't think you used anything colorful to paint a picture of the work. Your words could've described the work a little further, again, playing into the tone of the work. And again--the potential that could've been used wasn't, and while it's certainly not a waste of time, it definitely could've been better. But overall? I liked it. It was an interesting work, just a bit lacking, and that's normal for a draft. Good job.

Signing out,

--EM.




User avatar
284 Reviews


Points: 4250
Reviews: 284

Donate
Sun Apr 10, 2016 2:10 pm
RubyRed wrote a review...



Hello, LucytheBrave. Clearing out the green room again! :D Welcome to the site! I know you've been here for a while now but I feel a welcome is in order.

I enjoyed this a bit, but it's missing something. I'd have to agree with Rectangles, it is choppy--but don't despair it can easily be fixed. You can either add some prepositions, use gerund phrases, or put some adjectives in it. When we say choppy we mean there are a lot of abrupt stops or incomplete thoughts in your writing. I was also wondering what the poem was supposed to be the way you formatted it. It looks like maybe a flower of some kind. Anyway, I hope you understand my review. I think this could be such a lovely piece of work you go back and add some more missing pieces. Keep writing so I can keep reviewing!

~Keepwriting




User avatar
119 Reviews


Points: 4497
Reviews: 119

Donate
Sat Apr 09, 2016 11:05 pm
InfiniteRectangles wrote a review...



This review is brought to you by InfiniteRectangles

Hello! You asked for reviews on how to improve you work, and I am here to oblige. I think you were off to a good start. However, after that it started to dwindle. I like the concept here, and this poem definitely has potential, but I think your delivery could use a bit of work.

First, this sounded quite mundane. Your word choice was rather elementary and there wasn't much description. It also felt rushed in some places and choppy in others. I suggest using a variety of vocabulary instead of just sticking to really basic words. To fix the pace, I think you should add commas where you want to slow down, and only have periods where you want a full stop. You have lots of periods in this poem and it made the poem a bit choppy, so just be aware of how punctuation can affect the flow of your poem.

The next thing I noticed is that your poem is kind of, well, inconsistent. You start off wondering how you turned out to be the way you are, but then you ended with something about a world with no obligations. I'm not really seeing a clear connection here. Try adding more description and making your transitions smoother. When you jump from one thing to another, it throws your readers off and can confuse them.

In conclusion, I think your poem has potential, but you should slow it down a little and be more descriptive. I hope you get what I'm trying to say xD Anyway, keep writing and have a wonderful day/night! :D




User avatar
23 Reviews


Points: 226
Reviews: 23

Donate
Sat Apr 09, 2016 12:54 pm
LucytheBrave says...



Just a note, This poem is kinda random. I really published it to get some advice on how to improve it, so...please review!!





Half the work that is done in this world is to make things appear what they are not.
— Elias Root Beadle