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E - Everyone

Football

by LucytheBrave


I`m not one to sit

in front of a television

and watch a game, 

but when i sit in a crowd

and watch the players run across the field,

when I see the score rise 

and the time go by, 

when I watch the game live

sitting in the stands with

my friends beside me

somehow, it becomes more

than just a game. 


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193 Reviews


Points: 575
Reviews: 193

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Tue Aug 16, 2016 4:06 pm
herbgirl wrote a review...



Hello! herbgirl here for a review!
So, when I first started in on this poem, I thought, 'Oh great, another silly poem praising someone's favorite thing,' but as I read on, I found I really liked this! It's something that I think most people can relate, and your poem seems to bring back all those happy memories of sitting in those aluminum bleachers at high school football games, more there to enjoy time together than the game, but then having a great time overall. I thought this simple, eloquent poem communicated that well.
Now, while I liked this poem, I think it could use a little formatting work. First, a few grammatical errors. In the first line, somehow your apostrophe got turned into an accent, so you should probably change that. I have no idea how that could happen, but it looks weird. Then, in the fourth line, you forgot the capitalize the letter "I". I also agree with @5kKitty and their edits, they were good catches.
Ok, now for the formatting things. I think the fifth line should be split into two lines, breaking so that it reads "and watch the players/run across the field," because then the line would better fit the flow of the poem you have going on. The next thing was with lines nine an ten. I think that you should move the word "with" so that it reads "sitting in the stands/with my friends beside me," because otherwise you have a strange pause after "with", which interrupts the flow. You had a couple weird line breaks, so I want to make sure you understand what line breaks are for. They cause the reader to pause while reading, almost like a comma in a normal sentence does. You may have understood that, but I just wanted to make sure these line breaks were intentional. If you have any other questions regarding them, please feel free to contact me.
Anyways, good job with this poem! Its simple and relatable topic made it very pleasant to read. Keep up the good work!
herbgirl




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22 Reviews


Points: 378
Reviews: 22

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Tue Aug 16, 2016 3:30 pm
5kKitty wrote a review...



Hi, LucytheBrave! Great poem! I am not actually a football fan, although many others are, but the sense of community with your friends is something everyone should be able to relate to.

Here are some corrections:

1. "when I watch the game live sitting in the stands with..."
(There should be a comma after 'live'.)

2. "my friends beside me somehow, it becomes more than just game."
(There should also be a comma after the 'me'.)

Great word choice though!

-5kKitty





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