My mother say's I talk to much
And maybe she's right
I always run my mouth
Say thing's I shouldn't
When I shouldn't
Where I shouldn't
Because I talk too much
But she wouldn't think that
If she knew
All the things I've never said
Things like telling my sister
That she's beautiful, though
she'll never believe me
Things like telling my father,
he's my inspiration, even though
I never listen
Things like telling my mother
She's never done anything wrong
And she raised my perfectly
Things like telling my best friend
That he's not just a delinquent
And not an idiot
And he can be so much more than that
Things like telling the girl
who thinks she's nothing
that she's so amazing and so loved
And that I love her
And all these words, all these things
that I'll never say to anyone
But maybe
Just maybe
I have been saying these things
all along,
and maybe
they just never heard.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,025 Literary Works • 672,762 Reviews
I relate to this very much, and i think it is a beautiful piece of art. One thing is that your flow was a tad choppy here and there, such as...
"Things like telling my best friend
That he's not just a delinquent
And not an idiot
And he can be so much more than that"
And while we are on this particular section, you might consider looking up synonyms for common words or phrases. Like for "best friend" you could put "dearest friend" or "dear friend" and things of the like.
One other note is better separation of the stanzas. Separating the stanzas more clearly can also help with the flow of your poem, so its win win :3
Exaple
"Awesome cool poem
write write
doodle doodle doop
~ (< This thing right here that i can't remember the name of)
Write writey write
bla bla
doop doop"
Or you can just do an extra space to create some separation between the stanzas. But really that is a stylistic thing, so it is ultimately unimportant.
I hope i was at least a little helpful!
Wonderful poem, i hope to see more.
~Ayma
Thank you! This is so helpful. I think I might go back and add spaces, actually. So thanks!
You welcome <3 <3
Hey LucyTheBrave,
I like this poem. I like the repeated "things like telling..."
And I really like the ending.
I think your flow is off,
just a little,
maybe you could go back and fix that.
I think this is good otherwise and you should keep writing.
I disagree with Issam, Poetry should have no grammar rules. My 6th grade reading teacher taught us that. (sorry Issam)
Keep Writing,
@Kimmycat
Hey LucyTheBrave,
I like this poem. I like the repeated "things like telling..."
And I really like the ending.
I think your flow is off,
just a little,
maybe you could go back and fix that.
I think this is good otherwise and you should keep writing.
I disagree with Issam, Poetry should have no grammar rules. My 6th grade reading teacher taught us that. (sorry Issam)
Keep Writing,
@Kimmycat
So, not to be a grammar nazi, but there are loads of errors in here. Grammar and vocabulary are the bread of writing, keep that in mind. And I'd say read more of other poets' work. For free verse, go for Agha Shahid Ali. Google him, and you'll feel me. And remember, short lines don't mean deep poetry.
Thanks! I'm actually terrible at grammar, and this wasn't meant to be deep. Actually, I tried to make it really blatant and forward. The lines are short because my thoughts are short. So...hi? I dunno. yeah.
List of feelings evoked:
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