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Young Writers Society

He Did Not Die in Vain

by LucytheBrave

Bowed heads show 

our respect

for a man who 

has gone

Black clothes and 

teary eyes

for the loss of 

a hero


I did not know this man

but I

feel his loss

I can see with

my own eyes the 

pain his death has



We have gathered here

today to honor 

a man who gave his life

for another 

a man who I never knew

a man who the community

mourns today


He did not die in vain

For Malcolm Winffel

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862 Reviews

Points: 29096
Reviews: 862

Sun May 29, 2016 11:24 pm
Morrigan wrote a review...

Hello, Lucy! I'm here representing Team Potter for review day! Whoo! Go team, go!

Let's dive into your poem!

This is obviously a very personal poem, and so I won't recommend changes to it. But I do recommend that you write another poem about the subject. This is formal, and appropriately sad. But poetry is about tapping the deeper emotions.

When you talk about seeing the pain his death has caused, I want that. I want a whole poem about what a hole he has left. No, he did not die in vain. I think that's a wonderful sentiment. It's something comforting to hold on to for his loved ones. But it's not what poetry is really about.

Poetry takes small things and makes them bigger. So describe that pain. I want to know the words spoken at the funeral, the tears from his sister, or whoever. Bring us into real time with you. Show us the funeral flowers and the shine of the casket or urn. Focus on one of the small things that you might see at the funeral, and relate it to an emotion. For example, you might write,
"the pallbearers pass,
brass handles shimmering in sunlight;
they are no match for the shine of pain
in his father's eyes."

Give me more imagery that's outside of your head. Show us the grief that's happening around you because of this man. Showing emotions about someone can really illustrate what kind of a person they are.

Thank you for posting such a personal work. I hope to see more from you in the future. I hope that this review proves useful to you! Happy writing, and happy review day!

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6 Reviews

Points: 0
Reviews: 6

Wed May 11, 2016 5:01 pm
DarkPrizm wrote a review...

Hello there, i love the repetition of "a man" in the third stanza. It's a brilliant depiction of Malcom and what he did. I really like this poem overall and i think you've done great work in writing it. Free verse happens to be my favorite form of poetry but not many people understand it, although you've done a great job. The flow is clear and it rolls smoothly in my perspective. The reader really gets a sense of how the writer portrayed respect without the knowledge of knowing the man himself. Great poem overall and i cant wait to see more of your work :3

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7 Reviews

Points: 306
Reviews: 7

Sun May 08, 2016 6:26 pm
AMerryKat113 wrote a review...

I really enjoyed reading this. I like how you broke up the lines, it gave it will good rhythm. The only thing I could have wanted more of was rhyming, but all poetry is different and writing is a form of expression, so that would be a personal opinion I suppose. This is still wonderfully written though, I love seeing the perspective this is from. Though the narrator didn't know this person, they can see the pain it caused and mourn with them. Very interesting, great job. :D

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417 Reviews

Points: 500
Reviews: 417

Sun May 08, 2016 3:36 pm
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Willard says...

I hate to be a jerk, but it's Malcom Winffel, not Malcolm. Google always comes in handy.

LucytheBrave says...

I would make a spelling mistake. Thanks !!!

DarkPrizm says...

you can edit it from the publishing center to fix the mistake :)

One who sits between two chairs may easily fall down.
— Proverb from Romania and Russia