You say you have it but
Let me tell you what it's really like...
-
In a bright room, you're closed off on all sides;
You feel the pressure but nothing too drastic.
-
Suddenly, your heart seizes and the room begins to dim;
It closes around you until you can almost touch the walls.
-
The dim soon becomes dark and you're struck by the chains--
Chains that hold you from the escape door in the ceiling.
-
You say you have it but
Let me tell you what it's really like...
-
You are all alone, chained to the floor
Of a dark, cramped room with no way to reach the exit--
-
Suddenly, gallons of water pour on you, pushing you down--
Further from the door and closer to the floor; just weighing you down.
-
You hold your breath; you try to fight it
But, soon enough, you start to suffocate and give up hope--
-
You're drowning, but you won't die; you're about to explode, but you can't--
Everything is inside your head, and you can't let it go...
-
You can't get out because the chains still hold you down.
Weighed down by water--all alone in a small, dark room...
-
That is what it feels like: hopelessness.
That is how it is: suffocating.
-
That is how it feels: imprisonment.
That is what it is: hell.
-
Now tell me... Do you still say you have it?
Do you still believe you have it?
-
Being depressed is just a mood--
Depression is a disease.
-
How do I know, you ask...
I know, because I have depression.
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138,220 Literary Works • 672,084 Reviews
I really like this poem. It let people know that just because you are sad doesn't mean you have depression. I like how you described what it is to be depressed and then you say at the end "how do I know, because I have depression. I also have depression and anxiety and sometimes you could have okay days and sometimes it could even be hard to get out of bed. You should keep writing!
WOW.... THIS IS REALLY GREAT.
“I am bent, but not broken. I am scarred, but not disfigured. I am sad, but not hopeless. I am tired, but not powerless. I am angry, but not bitter. I am depressed, but not giving up.”
“I have depression. But I prefer to say “I battle” depression instead of “I suffer” with it. Because depression hits, but I hit back. Battle on.”
(quotes that could go with this. I JUST LOVE QUOTES.)
everything written in here is just perfect. thanks for expressing the most complicated and sometimes not very easy to explain subject.
this is as beautiful as it is meaningful thanks so much
don't ya ever stop writing
Thanks!!
yep
Hello! :3
Snazzy here for a review! One thing I wanted to point it out because it repeats quite often, was this line -
This bothers me for a couple of reasons. The first in being how much it is repeated throughout the poem (about 3 times, 1 time varied). The repetition doesn't add much to the poem.
This - this is good repetition. The "that is what it feels like/that is how it is" is very effective because it's nearing the conclusion of the poem and it forces emotions upon the reader very quickly in a tight confined space.
Back to the previous stanza that's repeated however. I understand that what you're trying to get us to understand is that "being depressed isn't just a mood" (in which you forgot the "isn't" and put "is" instead). But the speaker comes across very rude, as if "nobody can have depression because I have it" or "my depression is worse than yours" and "do you really think you struggle from depression? because look what I deal with." I know this wasn't your intention at all (or at least I hope it wasn't), but that's the way the speaker came off. A more effective way of saying it might be something along the lines of "I feel so depressed", "that's so depressing!" or maybe an instance that would make someone frustrated or a little sad and then they write it off as depression, even though being sad when things don't go right isn't depression.
Just keep that in mind as you write. It doesn't matter what you're trying to say, what matters is the way your speaker is perceived to the audience.
This is more of a general comment, but I think all the punctuation you use is kind of distracting from the overall work. I would try and eliminate most of the punctuation, especially the ellipses (...) and hypens (--). Punctuation in poetry and prose makes the reader stop, and some more than others. I feel like I'm on a jerky rollercoaster in this because of the overuse of punctuation.
You also use a lot of concrete language, which is really great! "weighed down by water" and "chained to the floor" were really effective uses of concrete language! But abstract language also creeps its way into your poem a little too much, I think. Moments like "hopelessness", and "hope" I think could be better explained through imagery. Hopelessness is just a little too vague, I think, but overall you did a nice job showing me what depression is rather than telling me!
Overall, you have some nice imagery going on here! I think you can work a bit on the speaker's voice (and making sure it comes across the right way) and watch out for how punctuation affects the way the poem is read. Have a wonderful day, and keep writing!
-Snazzy
Hello! Thank you for your review! First, everyone else said what you said about the phrase "being depressed is a mood," but it is correct. The whole point is "depressed" is a mood or emotion while "depression" is a disease. "isn't" is not supposed to be used
Thank you for catching the "that is"--I never thought of how constricting it is, especially near the end of the poem! (You learn something every day!)
With the tone of the speaker regarding having depression, I can see what you are saying... I think the best way to explain it is that the speaker is frustrated because their target they are responding to (the "you") is like one of those in the world who through around "depression" in the place of "depressed" (the mood)... Anyways, though, thank you for reviewing that part, because the way you expressed your point-of-view shows me that overstepped it! I didn't want that tone to be as strong as it seemed.
I completely agree with the punctuation used! I'll definitely fix that in my edits!
Thanks again!--Louisiana
Hello Lousiana!
I really enjoyed reading your poem, your style was beautifully unique, something that we do not see on this website very often.
I did notice a few errors in the way that you delivered your beautiful words, it seems as if we all make mistakes every now and then. In your second stanza, I would add a comma after pressure. It seems to fit the general flow of your poem, and it would make it sound better. ( reading a poem out loud can reveal a lot of grammatical issues that are present in your writing )
In your third stanza repetition of the word you seems out of place. Your poem would be more dramatic and seem more intellectual if you did not use words like you/your/you're. Getting rid of contractions also gets rid of distractions! I love how you are developing the general theme of your poem here with a very nice form of imagery. You make it to where the reader can easily put themselves into the situation and feel the pain that you are trying to display.
I really like the following stanzas:
"Suddenly, gallons of water pour on you, pushing you down--
Further from the door and closer to the floor; just weighing you down.
-
You hold your breath; you try to fight it
But, soon enough, you start to suffocate and give up hope--"
I love where you said 'further from the door and closer to the floor.' Those words seemed to dance across my tongue as I read your poem.
In the second stanza that I quoted, I would get rid of the word but!
Also, towards the end of your poem, you said that "being depressed is just a mood---" I do believe that you meant to type isn't here.
Overall, my favorite part was towards the middle of the poem where you listed what it is and how it feels. This helps your message connect with a wider audience. As for grammar, it seemed to be fine, I may have missed something though. You missed a few semicolons and used the word and a lot, but that can easily be fixed in further stages of your revision.
That is all I have for you, keep writing!
-Anne
Hi, thank you for your review! I'll make sure to use them in the future edits!
About the "isn't" I was asked about that earlier, actually. It is correct because being depressed is a mood while depression is a disease. A commonly seen mistake when people speak. That is what the poem was describing.
Ok, that makes sense. I thought I would bring it up, just in case!
Thanks!
Heya Louisiana15! Cat here to review your lovely poem here. I'll start by going through the poem and giving you my thoughts, so let's get right into it.
Second stanza, I'd add a comma after pressure. Normally I wouldn't say anything for poems, but quickly looking ahead and you have some commas in other places, so I'm suggesting this for consistency. Imagery is off to a great start!
I'm really loving it up until the fifth stanza, then the repeat of the first stanza feels off-putting. Sometimes you can repeat a stanza to get your point across, but you don't repeat it again after that, so it breaks up the lovely imagery. I personally think it would be better to leave this one stanza out.
Fourteenth stanza(yes, I counted), and I think you forgot 'isn't' instead of just 'is'. That's it c:
Okay, done with all the instant thoughts, I think this is a really nice poem with super great imagery.
Your flow is pretty good, but I will say that personally there are too many ... and --. Stuff like that is good occasionally, but personally, I think you overused them a little. There were also a couple times when you misused a semicolon.
Line breaks were a little funky sometimes, but not terrible. Line breaks can just be weird things sometimes, though.
Overall, this was a great poem! Your imagery was your strong suit in this case, which was beautiful. I'll be done now, and I hope this was helpful in some way!
Keep writing! =^-^=
~Cat
Hello! I'll work from the bottom up. First, thanks for your review! I can see how I used those a little much. I kind of wanted to seem like a build-up of all the things one feels with depression. But yeah, can completely see how it was overused. Thanks!
And I definitely will be working on that!
In the 14th stanza, I couldn't find what you were talking about... "depressed" is a mood while "depression" is a disease was what I was saying.
I'm glad the imagery came out! Thanks for telling me!
Grammar-wise, yeah still need to work on that
Again, thanks so much for your review!
You're welcome! I'm glad that it helped c:
I think I read depression twice instead of depressed xD My brain can't handle it sometimes haha
Lol, no worries! Thanks, again!