Requiem Aeternam

Hey Louisiana I found this to be an interesting spiritual reflection of a person who is dying, wants to welcome death/eternal rest, but finds themselves ripped back into life against their will. In the end it is not quite clear if maybe they're allowed to die peacefully or have just come to peace after being ripped back into life, but it's an interesting narrative.

I found these three stanzas to be the most confusing - and they seem to actually be the climax of the piece -

"The door flies open and my love finds me.
Go, my love, while you can.
He grabs my metal and flings it away.
Now, why did you do that?
-
Clothes me; frantic with the bloody river.
Don't. Don't stop it. I like it.
Wraps my wrist; my thigh.
My love, that hurts me.
-
Wake up in a bed, with an IV in my arm.
Bindings holding me down.
Frantic movement in my hazy sight.
Hindered from my slumber, again--"

So the rest of the piece has a formal distanced tone, and then this becomes casual with the dialogue phrases "why did you do that" / "don't stop it". The middle stanza I had the most difficulty with, because the words used seemed like they could be perceived as describing a sexual situation; which I think really distracts from the rest of the poem. I think it'd be best to clarify who the subject is (is the "love" a doctor, a god, an angel, a friend, a spouse?) and just what they're doing to them (it seemed like could be assaulting them, ripping out IVs, giving medicine, embracing them... who knows!) Since this is such a crucial point in the poem, I think the ambiguity is distracting, although you might have purposely had the subject sort of ambiguous to build up tension...

Overall, I really loved your word choice throughout the piece, it was old fashioned and reflective, but still really easy to read, and the flow was great.

I think you could take a second look at that middle section - but you've established some great tension on the reflections of someone who sees death as a final rest, which can be challenging and uncomfortable to read/think about sometimes.

Well done, keep up your writing!

~alliyah

This is an interesting poem, Louisiana. I have a few things to say.

First, it seems to me a little redundant to have "Requiem aeternam, Eternal sleep" written twice at the beginning and the middle. Especially the beginning.

Second: Is the italics versus regular speech supposed to be switching between narration and dialogue or different people? It was not very consistent the switching back and forth, and the meaning one should take from that emphasis. You should make that more clear to the reader, unless they won't understand how they are supposed to translate the poem. The line that especially makes no sense with italics is "Let me hear it once more". I don't get why the "once more" part is italicized where the rest of it is not.

Third thing: I think you use the word "slumber" way too much. It feels like a broken record to me. At least find different synonyms and vary the words a little more.

Fourth: The transition from describing how you want your lover to let you sleep to your lover doing some un-described and undisclosed thing to you and hurting you didn't make sense. It was kind of vague and I think it needs more description of what is actually happening, because it is not clear who this lover is or what he is even doing to you. One thing that I do understand is that he is hurting you somehow in a bad way. But then the last stanza shows no sign of that hurt, and only a refrain of the peaceful beginning of "Please let me sleep, my love".

I know this is a lot, and I hope this helps! You're doing great writing!

...Amadeus was here...