Hey Louisiana I found this to be an interesting spiritual reflection of a person who is dying, wants to welcome death/eternal rest, but finds themselves ripped back into life against their will. In the end it is not quite clear if maybe they're allowed to die peacefully or have just come to peace after being ripped back into life, but it's an interesting narrative.
I found these three stanzas to be the most confusing - and they seem to actually be the climax of the piece -
"The door flies open and my love finds me.
Go, my love, while you can.
He grabs my metal and flings it away.
Now, why did you do that?
-
Clothes me; frantic with the bloody river.
Don't. Don't stop it. I like it.
Wraps my wrist; my thigh.
My love, that hurts me.
-
Wake up in a bed, with an IV in my arm.
Bindings holding me down.
Frantic movement in my hazy sight.
Hindered from my slumber, again--"
So the rest of the piece has a formal distanced tone, and then this becomes casual with the dialogue phrases "why did you do that" / "don't stop it". The middle stanza I had the most difficulty with, because the words used seemed like they could be perceived as describing a sexual situation; which I think really distracts from the rest of the poem. I think it'd be best to clarify who the subject is (is the "love" a doctor, a god, an angel, a friend, a spouse?) and just what they're doing to them (it seemed like could be assaulting them, ripping out IVs, giving medicine, embracing them... who knows!) Since this is such a crucial point in the poem, I think the ambiguity is distracting, although you might have purposely had the subject sort of ambiguous to build up tension...
Overall, I really loved your word choice throughout the piece, it was old fashioned and reflective, but still really easy to read, and the flow was great.
I think you could take a second look at that middle section - but you've established some great tension on the reflections of someone who sees death as a final rest, which can be challenging and uncomfortable to read/think about sometimes.
Well done, keep up your writing!
~alliyah
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Reviews: 1227
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