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The Mound

by Louisiana15


I don’t know why I always try

Most of the time it makes me cry

But I love you

And I want us to make it through.

-

Sweet letters full of loving words

Have always been the greatest cures

Yet, we keep beating around

The truth—the Mound.

-

The Mound.

It is what prevents us from staying fully bound

To each other

And yet, dearly, we love one another.

-

The Mound.

With not any sound

What makes me cry

What makes me want to live eternally in the sky.

-

The Mound.

Higher and higher from the ground

As around and around we go

Until our insanity will show.

-

But, is it insanity?

Is it Love’s greatest profanity?

Avoiding the talks, we need

Then the Mound we constantly feed.

-

Can we talk?

Can we go on a walk?

Where the problems in the Mound

Will be found…

-

Oh, my love, you know I love you

But I cannot make it without knowing what’s true

I want to tackle that which keeps us from being fully bound…

It’s time to deal with the Mound.


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Points: 31
Reviews: 30

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Sun Apr 14, 2019 2:29 am
brookeallo wrote a review...



I love this. I like the way it is written the flow goes well. I wish you could use another word for mound though it just seems to stick out but in a way a if it doesn't belong but I get that it was supposed to stick out and you described it as the problems that the relationship was facing but another word might add a better flow and allow the reader to be able to feel more. Other than that I thought the poem was great and it had a good rhyme scheme. It addressed what one might go through in a relationship that seemed so real and could connect to many relationships and how one must overcome problems but that doesn't always happen so its more of a choice. At least that is what it spoke to me and I really seemed to connect with it. Thankyou for writing and I hope to see more soon.




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Points: 32195
Reviews: 1045

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Sat Apr 13, 2019 3:45 pm
JabberHut wrote a review...



Hey, Lousiana!

This was a really interesting piece. I like how the rhythm was purposefully off and very much felt free verse despite the rhyming scheme. The rhymes almost didn't matter, but they were still noticeable and helped the piece flow extremely well. It was an interesting style that really worked.

"The mound" is such an odd word, lol. But being able to define it in your piece was key, and you did it. It's an obstacle that keeps cropping up in their relationship, forever growing and never touched. It really works for how the poem describes it.

This piece had a strong start, I think. It dove right into the problem and explained the mound and its effects. I think it was around the fourth stanza, some of the lines felt very weak and could be replaced and/or rewritten for a better impact. "Without any sound," "what makes me want to live eternally in the sky," (I actually am missing the point of this line, sadly), "higher and higher from the ground."

I really like the line "Is it love's greatest profanity?" Like, I really, really like this line. The two lines after it were a bit mushy, but that one, in particular, is just so good.

"Can we go on a walk?" sounds kinda wordy. In fact, following a simple and powerful line like "can we talk" really overshadows and weakens this second line. I can see what you're trying to do leading into "where the problems in the mound will be found," but I feel like this can just be reworded better. The flow disrupted pretty hard on that second line.

I like how this piece closes out with a reference to being unbound by the mound just like it was said in a previous stanza (stanza two maybe?).

I think this piece shows a lot of promise. With some edits and attention to the flow/wording, this could really polish well. Great metaphor using a mound. :D

Keep writing!

Jabber, the One and Only!




Louisiana15 says...


Hello! Thank you so much for your review! I'll make sure to look into all you said when I make edits!




Patience is the strength of the weak, impatience is the weakness of the strong.
— Immanuel Kant, Philosopher