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16+ Mature Content

Alone

by Louisiana15


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for mature content.

Alone, alone

I’m walking alone

I’m walking slowly

To that secluded place—

Where no one will find me

So, I can be alone

Because they can’t help me

Not with my problems.

-

My breath, my breath

It’s so cold, so cold

In the thin air’s mist

While my heart is empty

Empty from the little help

I received in the past—

When they didn’t notice

But, it’d have made no difference.

-

I’m here, I’m here

And there is the tree

My only comfort

In anticipation

I gaze into the leaves

At last at peace, I climb

Away from the torment;

From abandonment.

-

Alone, alone

I settle to rest

Blocking out their distant pleas

I hang onto my last hope

And settle down to rest

For all eternity

Just like Sleeping Beauty

Just like all who rest.

-

They’re here, they’re here

And see me here

Hanging onto my hope

That clutches me close

Having taken me away

It’s too late for them to help

I’ve helped myself alone—

I’ve solved my problems alone.


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Sat Sep 15, 2018 7:08 pm
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KnightTeen wrote a review...



So I have to admit that I was sort of thinking that this would be a funny piece, but I can understand what you mean when you say that this is a satirical piece. It's just not where I was expecting you to go.

Now, as for the content. I like how you started out repeating the title in the first stanza, but then you didn't in the second. And that was okay, but then you did it again in a later stanza and it just makes me, as the reader, feel like it should have been the beginning of each stanza. I personally feel like it would have given the poem just a little more oomph.

The Sleeping Beauty line is a little confusing, because even though the reader does kind of understand what you're trying to say with it, the meaning kind of gets taken away because we all know that even though she did fall asleep for a hundred years in the original story she did eventually wake up. I just personally feel that that imagery that is created as a result of the previous knowledge of the story of SB kind of takes away from the poem when you're writing about suicide.

As a person who has tried to commit suicide more times than I care to admit, the content is completely accurate to the action. I once had someone say in front of me that they don't understand why people do it, and I wanted to scream at him that it's people like him who don't even notice that we feel alone enough to feel like we have to, and that if they would just spend one moment saying or doing something kind then it might touch us so that we feel okay for a little bit. So thank you for calling attention to this issue. Aside from a few minor issues, it was wonderfully written.

~KnightTeen~




Louisiana15 says...


Hey, KnightTeen. First off, thank you for being so open about trying to commit suicide... I have, too. I'll be open now that I feel a little better about being open: my works are based on my experiences. My piece "Exposed" I lived three days ago... So, yeah. I know how it is when people diss suicidals, etc. They just can't wrap their minds around it to understand that depression and suicide are diseases. They are TRUE epidemics.

You're not the first to comment on the SB piece, so I am definitely going to change that!

With the "alone," I'm going to change that to be in every stanza. I completely agree with you and everyone else who commented on that as well.

Again, thank you for your honesty--and from that, your support-- regarding this disease. And thank you for your review :)



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Fri Sep 14, 2018 11:19 pm
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horses101 says...



This looks really good!




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Fri Sep 14, 2018 9:12 pm
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alliyah says...



I'm curious about what was intended to be satirical about the piece? Is it a satire of how people write poetry or of how people "solve their problems"?

Satire's tough! Because if you do it too well or too poorly, no one gets it. ;)

Hope to hear more about your intended meaning of this piece! :)




Louisiana15 says...


Satires are typically humorous but they don't have to be. The main "have to have" in satire is a message is sent in the wanting to reform a problem in society.

The whole point of this piece is that suicide is a problem in society because so many individuals feel alone and that they have to solve their "problems" themselves. While many people wish to help the depressed and suicidal, there are those who shun them. So, this poem is meant for those who shun the depressed and suicidal. Let me know if I need to explain it more!



alliyah says...


I'm not sure I've heard that definition of satire before - but totally agree it doesn't have to be humorous! With that context, the poem makes a lot more sense. Good message though it's subtle.



Louisiana15 says...


Thank you :)



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Fri Sep 14, 2018 8:10 pm
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Thisislegacy wrote a review...



Legacy here for a review.

I wouldn't call this satire, because satire usually mocks society or a specific piece of society (such as celebrities or a specific ideology).

I don't get some of the message because of the repetitive usage of the word 'alone'. It was very distracting.

"But, it’d have made no difference." should be rewritten as "but it would've made no difference". The comma is awkward and "it'd" is awkward and a better contraction "would've" makes more sense. Your sentence is not grammatically incorrect, but this is just a better way to write it to make the most sense.

You start a pattern in the first two stanzas of using the last word of the first sentence again twice in the next sentence, but it isn't used without the whole poem. (stanzas 3,4, and 5 don't have it).

I would remove the line "for all eternity" and "Just like all who rest". It is taking away the powerfulness of you describing (hanging yourself?) to the rest of Sleeping Beauty.

I would make the line "hanging onto my hope/ that clutches me close" stronger. It would be a good moment to have a very powerful line take people by surprise. You could rewrite it like "hung on my hope/ it clutches me close". It would add more emphasis to the hanging. :)

Overall I love this poem, but there are areas that you can add more powerful language and make people really think about what you are trying to say.

Hopefully I wasn't too harsh with this critique and that I was helpful. Legacy out :)




Louisiana15 says...


Hello! It is a satire because of the word "alone". If you caught the message...suicide... most suicides are because people feel alone. It is criticizing how many in society shun the depressed and suicidal (even though many try to help or how many people feel like no one is out there for them. Satire doesn't always have to be humorous, though that is what many associate satire to be. There are many works that are serious critiques of society. The whole point of satire is to call for reform in society :) And the whole theme was seclusion--aloneness.

There is not meant to be a pattern just as the mind has no pattern when suffering from depression or when suicidal; the same ideas or thoughts remain in the mind but it also has the tendency to wander to random things that shine out. I tend to write in the way the mind would be in a certain situation because for some of my works, I've lived it and know what it is like.

For what you said about removing some lines, I can see how you find it takes away the powerfulness of the message, but it reveals that there is a weakness within the "system" (hope that makes sense). That's what I wanted--suicide a powerful thing into today's society but even it has a weakness. Plus, it is meant to emphasize eternal sleep and the many numbers of suicides that have occurred.

I didn't want the fact the narrator speaking (me) of the problem to be drowned by an action (the hanging). But, now that I see your point of view, I see that I should have emphasized it more. Thanks!




As if you were on fire from within. The moon lives in the lining of your skin.
— Pablo Neruda