Forevermore

Hi there Louisiana15! Niteowl here to review.

So first off, I read your replies to the previous reviews and I did not pick up on the idea that this was her suicide note at all. I'm not really sure how to fix that without making it painfully obvious. Maybe it's the third person that's throwing me off, but then if it was in first person it would sound a lot like The Band Perry's "If I Die Young", which I never characterized as a song about suicide. Some other things that make me feel like this is just a tragic young death are the white dress and the love being called the ring-bearer, which to me makes me think of a little kid, like this is a childhood love (again, also feels like the song "If I Die Young".

I wonder if the way she imagines her loved ones mourning her and remembering her fondly is what's not giving me the suicidal vibe. When I was at my low points, I imagined almost the opposite, that people would be happy I was dead and not have to worry about me anymore. So maybe if she's depressed she would feel more like no one would really miss her, when the poem suggests that people will.

Let her closest bear her things against their breasts

Let her loved ones stay by her side for some time

Before she is left all alone.

I will admit, freely, that I literally just watched Beauty and the Beast (2017) and so when I read your title after just hearing the song a part of me was sort of expecting to read some sort of love or romance poem, and I am in fact glad this was not the case. It was not the route I was expecting you to take, based on the title. There are certain words that kind of resonate with people to create a certain image or feeling, and when an author goes the opposite direction of the opinion it opens the reader to a new way of looking at things, which you have done here.

There are a few lines that are a little confusing, like Annie said, the wording doesn't always work or flow as well as it should. The structure could use a little work, in my opinion while the content is well written it is really choppy and a little...off balance I guess is what I am trying to say. Some of the lines are longer than the others and it just makes certain areas feel more heavy with words than others.

The content of the poem itself is brilliant. The words create this image in my head of a funeral on a rainy day, a woman in a bridal dress being buried as her new husband and family looks on. It's really quite beautiful, thank you for sharing it with us.


~KnightTeen~

Hello!!!!
This was a very interesting work, not what I expected when I read your title.

First off issssssss...grammar! I did notice a few small mistakes, in your first stanza, when you said "Let her closest bear her things against their breasts" It was a bit confusing. After reading around this line, i got the general idea. Maybe change the wording a bit? I guess that this isn't really something grammatical, but it should be kept in mind. As a writer, you have to act like the reader is...well...stupid. Because we are, we have no idea what you are thinking or where you are planning to go.
Formatting: The way your poem flowed was a bit odd to me. I could not tell where your stanzas ended and began, you should try to space them out better. If I were you, I would also look into making a few of your lines have the tool enjambment. This is where not every line in a sentence, it keeps the poem going and makes it harder for readers to predict what you are going to say.
As for your poem in general, I really enjoyed reading it. I really liked the end. It gives the reader a twinge of sadness...There is also a sense of mystery concerning why she died. Was she killed? Did she commit suicide? I would embrace the mystery a bit more to keep your reader thinking about your poem. The more they think about it, the more likely someone is to come back and reread.
That is all I have for ya, good job, keep writing.

-Anne