Raining Delusions
Drops of innocence envelope me in a shower,
Silver clouds skip merrily over a hill of paper flowers.
Hear the wind sing, it leaves a trail of destruction,
The seas swirl into an endless, hollow oblivion.
Here comes the crowd of crying angels,
Playing their fiddles in a strange illusion.
Walking along a path of glass, reflecting an inner self,
It was difficult to recognize my soul in a torrent of enigma.
Running forever in a painted world,
Losing myself in the sands of time.
But still, I swear never to lose hopefulness,
To remember the confidence in your firm eyes.
Travelling in a hollow sky, my heart swings.
Soon it'll shatter into a million fragments,
And bore the wounds of a tearful remembrance.
Standing in front of a painted world,
A rain of light pours, and my emotions uncurl.
I wondered what secrets do the storms keep,
But for now, I'll keep tracing a bewildering journey.
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125,012 Literary Works • 672,842 Reviews
i loved the first two paragraphs, you started out very strong.
Here comes the crowd of crying angels,
Playing their fiddles in a strange illusion.
in this part i had a hard time picturing angels with fiddles. maybe harps ect.
but other then that i truly enjoyed reading this.
i like your discriptions, very well written.
great job.
kim
Hello and welcome to YWS!
Drops of innocence envelope me in a shower, <----- it's envelop, and I would choose a different word instead of innocence.
Silver clouds skip merrily over a hill of paper flowers.
Hear the wind sing, it leaves a trail of destruction, <---- "a trail of destruction" is too... telling. Show us something! So maybe something like, "Hear the wind sing as it rips away the sail." Or something...
The seas swirl into an endless, hollow oblivion. <------ try not to use adjectives so much.
Here comes the crowd of crying angels,
Playing their fiddles in a strange illusion. <------ describe image more!
So basically I loved this part because you used the sea as a metaphor for your own emotions. It was very clever and, though I do have some tips for you on how to change those lines around to be more powerful, I liked it very much!
The rest of the poem is... it seems to be extra material. That is, it isn't horrible, but at the same time, it doesn't seem like it fits the imagery as well as what you put here. So I would probably set that aside and focus more on the storm, describing it in further detail. Because we love storms!
Anyway, nicely done.