Young Writers Society

Hi there. You have a wonderful poem here! A few suggestions -

Heart of the Desert

A wind blows by, carrying a burden of myths, [I think a semi colon would work better here rather than a comma.]
In the heavens above, a star falls into the abyss. [Beautiful imagery and a really good start.]

Walking along the dunes of history,
Unfolding a crumpled image of a temple in ruins.
Far into the distance, the sun erodes,
Leaving a mysterious night to wrap my soul. [Again, you have some great metaphors here.]

Frozen dreams melt in the sultry day,
Genies of the dark come out to play. [The comma after the first line should be a period or a semi colon.]

When on high land, the sands dance, [I think a dash would work well here. Also, maybe add another syllable. For example, I think 'When on high land, the sand souls dance' might be smoother or even just 'When on high land, the sands will dance'.]
A sandstorm swirls, standing proud and grand.
Travelling into a realm of legends,
It was in the heart of the desert where angels slept. [I think you could shorten this line to 'In the heart of the desert where angels slept' which still makes sense and flows much better.]

In the middle of the night, a song echoes,
A serenade of past troubles and woes. [I love these two lines and the subtle rhyme is very effective as it is in the first though in the second couplet it was a little.]

Here on high land, the moon shines, [This would run into the second line better if it was 'Here on high land where moonlight shines,']
A sandstorm swirls throughout the night.
Shooting stars dart across the sky,
In the heart of the desert, they fall and die. [Brilliant imagery.]

As the heavens rise, the wind seems eternal,
Carrying a burden of legends far into the distance. [I'm not sure about breaking your rhyme scheme here but I can see the difficulties in rhyming with eternal.]

Overall, you have a lovely poem here with some fantastic imagery. You use rhyme effectively, you write very well and your punctuation could be better but generally, this is an excellent piece of writing. Good work.