In the Night, Under the Moon

I agree with abbisnail that you should maybe change "polka" to "salsa."

Also "Oh, bless the moonlight, to free us from night's gloom!" seems to have almost too many words for comfort. Maybe it should be "Oh, bless the moon, freeing us from night's gloom!" That flows better to me.

Other than that I just loved it! Great idea!

I really liked this... it sounded... I dunno, pretty. I think it's called imagery or something... heheh. =]

I'm hardly one to critique poetry, since I know nothing at all about it, but I guess I could say you could work on helping it.. er.. flow? (I'm a hypocrite)

But I liked it.

-Emily

Yay, faeries!

This is great, and I loved how you rhymed "polka" with "gondolas." (I don't think anyone's done that before.)

In the night, under the moon,
Nature's beauty carries along their escapade.
If the sun rises, pixies of the dark hide in their rooms,
Waiting for a moonlit night to rise again.

I liked this although the rhyming scheme was just none-existant for me. When it was there, it was wonderful, although when you began to build up on that, it just because a blur of words and rhymes that confused me endlessly.

I liked the idea; I love fantasy poems, you don't see that many around nowadays. You have some good foundations here for something that could be fantastic, but I think you could improve the whole rhyming scheme so that it flows a lot better.

Good work,
GingerLove

Lil_Pau,


I, for one, would like to see more quality than quantity. All four of the poems you have just posted suffer from a rhyme scheme that render the poems uninteresting and clunky.

Have you tried reading them aloud? Even an ear tuned to Avril Lavigne would notice that "polka" sounds horrifyingly out of place and doesn't rhyme in the least with "gondola" (do you even know what a "gondola" is, by the way? I see neither Wal*Mart, nor hot air balloons, nor flatbottom riverboats in Venice to justify its existence).


Better luck later,
Brad

nice poem! k, a few suggestions. in the first stanza i might change

In the night, under the moon,
The stars in the sky shine out and bloom.
Fireflies dance a glimmering polka,
Water lilies row their gondolas.

to

In the night, under the moon,
The stars in the sky shine out and glimmer.
Fireflies dance a shimmering salsa,
while water lilies row their gondolas.

i know there are some big-ish changes but i think it flows better and works better rhythmically. if you don't agree i understand.

the one other thing i would change about it is the first line of the second stanza. instead of


Fairies spread their little wings,
try
Fairies spread their minute wings,

that way you keep the 2 syllable word but it's more interesting.
good job!
~abby~