Hazy Days
Walking down a lane,
The incessant rain shrouds me.
Pale moon of October, hiding in the dark,
Nymphs of the night dash across a misty sea.
A paradise of an imaginary island,
Reflected in your eyes.
Shooting stars pour onto us,
Forming a garden between our footsteps.
In the midst of thought, you fade.
Those tears I wiped away from you,
They glitter in the heavens above.
Surely this is another hazy day,
Shards of memories fogging the view.
A rose is burning, dissolving into time,
Carrying the haze of memories
Away into the dreamlands.
Carrying
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125,013 Literary Works • 672,842 Reviews
Hi! I'm Sarah and I'll be your reviewer for today.
Looks promising
Walking down a lane,
The incessant rain shrouds me.
This is an excellent first couple of lines.
I particularly like 'the incessant rain shrouds me'.
I think you might make it less abstract, maybe try,
"Walking down the lane." Instead of "A".
Your choice
Pale moon of October, hiding in the dark,
Nymphs of the night dash across a misty sea.
The imagery here is wonderful. Very, very good work.
A paradise of an imaginary island,
Reflected in your eyes.
I'm not sure about the flow here
Though I like the idea of an island paradise being reflected in someone's eyes.
Shooting stars pour onto us,
Forming a garden between our footsteps.
Okay. Okay. Okay.
This has to be the BEST line of the poem.
Stars pouring onto them, forming a garden? That is just beautiful.
Great work. That is just perfect and couldn't be better!
In the midst of thought, you fade.
Those tears I wiped away from you,
They glitter in the heavens above.
These are good but they don't quite compete with the rest of the poem. It doesn't really matter.
Surely this is another hazy day,
Shards of memories fogging the view.
I love the idea of ,'shards of memory'
But 'surely' makes it a bit commonplace.
A rose is burning, dissolving into time,
I love the image of a rose burning
Away into the dreamlands.
What a beautiful way to finish! Ahh. That's lovely.
Advice: Leave it with that line. Cut out the 'carrying' bit at the end.
That was great. marvellous. You are very talented.
Happy Writing - keep writing!
Sarah
xxx
Interesting.
:D
:D:D
I think you can show a lot more with this. I mean, we can tell you care about the person, and that they are gone for some reason. It has a nice flow, but the ending seems rather sudden. Other than that, very beautiful.
Thanks!
When I wrote this poem, it was almost midnight and I was getting sleepy. So I looked outside, it was cloudy and I kinda got the inspiration from there.
Anyway, thanks again! And to others who reviewed!
Your use of figurative language is very good, I especially like this part, "Shooting stars pour onto us,
Forming a garden between our footsteps. "
This is a very surreal poem, however it is unclear what exactly the poem is about. If you meant it to just be very surreal, like a dream, than you did a fantastic job, If not, then try to make the subject matter a little more uniform.