Secrets of the Sun
A globe of fire belts out its fury,
Skipping along the traces left by the world.
As time flies away in a fleet of bubbles,
The colours it showed, remind me of distant eyes.
Sinking below the earth's horizon,
There it lies, waiting to be discovered.
Pale day of July, when the clouds fade,
Will the runes of the sky be read?
Drifting along the earth's horizon,
Skipping along the traces left by a wish.
Waiting in the summer blue sky,
There I see again a pair of misty eyes.
Eyes misted with secrets of the sun.
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Canary word: Present
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125,011 Literary Works • 672,841 Reviews
O...OK then. I'll take your advice.
Thanks for commenting, anyway!
I agree with Suzie. I think your main problem is being too broad and abstract. Taking on a huge subject like the sun make you try to tackle too much at once. You're trying to get your poem to say, "This is the sun. This is it. Basically, right here. A summary. WHAM."
Being specific. But it falls short--why? Because you can't tackle big subjects by approaching them as broadly as you've done here. Good poems about life, for example, don't go, "Life is like this. Life does this. This is how life is." Nah. Good poems about life deal with one moment in time, something specific, and allow the reader to infer something about life through the poem. You can do the same for the sun.
Try to focus on that "pale day of July" in the fourth stanza. You could say something about the sun by describing a certain moment in time. It might even be personal. Either way, your reader will get more involved in something real, a story, rather than an abstract summary of what the sun's all about.
Show v. Tell. Instead of saying, "The pie is delicious," shove the pie in your reader's face. Well how do you do that? Imagery. Sight, sound, taste, touch, smell. Use the senses to your advantage! Show your reader what you're talking about instead of just asking them to take it for granted.
Good luck!
-Colleen
I think you could have a whole lot more imagery. If you're talking about the sun, there is so much to show the reader; and I didn't see a whole lot, honestly.
I also don't really see what you are trying to tell the reader. Keep in mind that when you write poetry more often than not you are writing for the reader. If it is a poem you are going to share, then you are writing it for the reader. You want to make the reader feeling, think, be left with an idea, something; and this left no impression on me.
Best of luck!