Lonely Child
Her eye peeks out
Amidst a cloud of ashen faces.
She gazes at the distant battlefield
That tore her warm home apart.
Cradling her mother's motionless arm,
She cries in a meadow of solitude.
And among the burning wind,
She sees her happiness eroding away
Tangled and trapped,
In the eye of a meaningless war.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,012 Literary Works • 672,842 Reviews
Twas good! The opening lines I loved, along with "Cradling her mothers motionless arm." I love implications like that. I don't think there's much wrong with this one, but I'd agree with it needing a bit more length. When reading this one, I don't think there was enough of it to get any sort of real impact, just sort of a "Oh, war... *Shrug* type of thing. But certainly a great start!
The idea was good, but it could have been expressed more strongly. If I were you, I'd take the concept of "in the eye of the war" and perhaps build it up a bit more. I can think of several ways you might be able to express war as a tornado, but you need to give the poem a bit more...action, you know? Make us feel buffetted like the poor girl you're talking about. Put a bit more oomph into it! I'd go for some vivid images, and maybe a bit more exploration of the other senses. Really put your reader in the eye of that storm!
Cheers,
~bubbles
I love this! It's powerful and sad, without being melodramatic. Good job.
I have to say I really think it should be longer. I started reading, but I expected more, and was quite disappointed with the length.
You've used an interesting structure of two-line stanzas, it has a good flow to it, even without a distinct beat or rhyme. A great start, but I do hope you make it longer. Keep up the good work. Kudos.
It was nice. Even though it was short it was meaningful. I like how you talk about the meaningless of war. Just one suggestion, try to put more details and lines to better improve your poem and to give more meaning to the message you want to tell.