Young Writers Society

Home » Literary works » Poetry » Review

12+

Their Laybrinth

by KatGirl


think what you want to think

but we're just their play toys;

their lab rats.

only the brave ones delve into their secrets,

distractions are the key to their conspiracies.

they're turning against their own kind,

killing us off one by one.

they put the wool over our eyes and blind us,

so that we may never see reality no longer.

controlling our behavior, modifying us so that we are

not human anymore.

the government are LIARS.

they make us run through their constructed laybrinth,

concealing their real purpose.

the less living, the better, is what they think.

to shorten the population and poison us

silently.

they'd never think we'd stand up for ourselves

to unify together, to fight like lions.

we will prove to themĀ  wrong.




Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
33 Reviews


Points: 1043
Reviews: 33

Donate
Fri Nov 20, 2015 3:09 am
xv0nillaWriterx wrote a review...



Hi this ix xxv0nillaWriterxx and i am here to review. I love your poem it is nice. I want you to add rhyming words and stanzas. And also you gotta a little grammar. Capitalize every sentence after a period, just to remind you so for the other poems or story you write you can fix that.Add some emotional and feelings to help the reader know about the character. Also add settings and describe them to help the reader to vision the poem more clearly. Also i like your title it hooked me " labyrinth" . Thanks for reading my review and i hope you learn something. HAPPY WRITING!!!!




User avatar
557 Reviews


Points: 2394
Reviews: 557

Donate
Sat Dec 06, 2014 11:09 pm
erilea wrote a review...



Heya, KatGirl! Wise here to review!

So first off, nice poem and start. I agree with emeraldfox that your title is spelled incorrectly, thus you should change the title and the use of the word in your poem. Second of all, I noticed your capitalization is exactly none. Please capitalize after the periods. That makes your poem look neater. Here, in this section I copied and pasted, your idiom isn't accurate. It should be "pull the wool over our eyes". I like the use of it, though.

"they put the wool over our eyes and blind us,

so that we may never see reality no longer."

Just saying here, there's only one government, from what I know. So "are" should be "is".

"the government are LIARS."

Here, the thoughts at the beginning should be put into italics, as normal thoughts are. The second and third lines of this section do not make up a complete sentence. Maybe you should change that. The last three lines don't seem quite right to me; I think you should read over them carefully and find out what's funny about them. The last line I know should be "...we will prove them wrong." Without the extra space in between "them" and "wrong".

"the less living, the better, is what they think.

to shorten the population and poison us

silently.

they'd never think we'd stand up for ourselves

to unify together, to fight like lions.

we will prove to them wrong."

That is all I have to say! I enjoyed reading this poem, it flowed beautifully and your word choice was nice. This work was overall amazing, so keep writing, KatGirl!

-wisegirl22




Random avatar

Points: 7676
Reviews: 93

Donate
Sat Dec 06, 2014 10:27 pm
emeraldfox wrote a review...



I liked this poem a lot! Before I go into greater detail, I should say that your title is spelled incorrectly. It should be, "labyrinth," not "laybrinthe". But besides, that I couldn't find many mistakes. I loved the meaning of this poem and I could definitely relate to it. You had a great meter and it flowed nicely, too. The only grammatical error I found was in the line, "the government are LIARS". "Government" is singular, yet "are liars" is plural. Keep it all singular or all plural. You did a really nice job with this poem and you deserve a *like*! Keep writing, KatGirl. You're very talented!





If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you; that is the principal difference between a dog and a man.
— Mark Twain