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Broken

by KatGirl


Quick note:

When I say "me" it's not actually me, it's just the narrator speaking it.

The winds are a raging cyclone,

driving to our insanity.

I feel broken inside;

my hope is gone.

It's hard to survive a day;

I see people kneeling down and crying on the streets,

they all feel broken inside.

There is too much heartbreak in the air for the angels to fly.

Before she was stolen from me, she whispered to me with her final breath,:

It's okay to cry. Your a survivor.

Split in two, I fell to the ground, sobbing.

thump, thump.

Will it take me too?

thump, thump.

It's violent winds block out the shining sun, it's gaping teeth swallowing it whole.

Thunder strikes, it's roar deafening.

Will I fall in the hands of a raging beast of nature?

My breaths come in short gasps as the beastly winds take(s) my breath away.

thump, thump.

The savage winds are the reflection of my insanity,

I will be forevermore broken, I am no survivor.


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6 Reviews


Points: 258
Reviews: 6

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Sun Oct 26, 2014 11:41 pm



Hello,
This is really good. I could see it playing in my head when I was reading. I can't wait to read more of your work. It got me to think of some of my stuff that I have written. Which is a good thing. I really like this a lot.




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Sun Oct 26, 2014 5:39 am
Amnesia wrote a review...



This was so perfectly scripted. It's really amazing. I pictured this in my mind.
Just a quick question.
Is this a outlook on your life? Is this how you feel in real life or is it something you just wrote?
Either way it's beautfuly written and I thank you for sharing this with us :) Keep your head up and your worries low and live like there is no tomorrow.

~Sam




KatGirl says...


No I'm perfectly fine just for the fact school is annoying lol



Amnesia says...


haha ok :)



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109 Reviews


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Sun Oct 26, 2014 1:41 am
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MargoSeuss wrote a review...



Margo Seuss here for a review on this fine Halloween Christmas. First of all, I would like to congratulate you on portraying a hopeless atmosphere with your writing. Phrases like 'raging cyclone',and, 'too much heartbreak in the air for the angels to fly' really make the reader go: 'that's so sad!' To experience a tornado/ life threatening natural disaster would surely make someone feel the way you have described in your writing. I found a few technical errors that you may want to take a look at.

Your a survivor.


"You're a survivor." <--The contraction of you are.

My breaths come in short gasps as the beastly winds take(s) my breath away.


You don't need the (s). It is correct to state "the beastly winds take my breath away." You also don't need the colon after 'final breath.'

It's violent winds block out the shining sun, it's gaping teeth swallowing it whole.


In this case, it's should be its. It's is a contraction for 'it is.' Its shows possession...I know English is stupid. :)

All in all, you did a spectacular job of capturing the way one would feel during a time of great loss, such as a life threatening storm. Excellent work!




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Tue Oct 21, 2014 1:07 am
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Lumi wrote a review...



Yo. Let's jam.

Let's start off with grammar and technical jibber jabber. You need to sweep through (before posting) and find the simple errors: i.e. you're vs. your; its vs. it's; subject-verb agreement. The piece is wrought with errors that are very easily mended.

The concept is easy enough to grasp--but made pointless because you use a line to blatantly state your premise:

The savage winds are the reflection of my insanity,

When you do this, you remove any scholarly or artistic depth that the reader could have tasted and give us, instead, the meaning freeze-dried and smeared on a spoon. I don't want that; I want to think. Up until your statement of meaning, the piece wasn't all that bad. You had decent imagery, dialogue that while melodramatic was engaging, and a flow of narrative that could have ended in any way you wanted.

So you give us your heartbeat throughout the piece that, obviously, ceases in the end. All-in-all, I didn't find much need for it. There's nothing it adds or removes from the piece, and thus it's a non-entity. Consider this upon revision.

Hope this helps,
Lumi




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12 Reviews


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Mon Oct 20, 2014 2:36 pm
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Whosabell says...



woooowwwww




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Thu Oct 16, 2014 1:44 pm
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JasonMorris wrote a review...



The story was great. Full of emotion and imagery. The metaphors work, as does the contrast between reality and imagination. It is really immersive, and it's like you see what is happening. Bravo. I can't think of what to remove, but I can think of what to add. Between the lines: "They all feel broken inside" and "There is too much..." I think you should add a line about the gloomy color. The setting is easy to tell, but if there was something like "the clouds cast a gloomy blue-ish shadow onto the earth below. The shadow has weight, and it's painful to bear." Then the imagery would really add to the story. But it's your story, do what you want. Keep up the good work!





Resistance is futile.
— The Borg