Part I
If you thought of what lay underneath,
thy false faces; a mask of doubt and cold,
thought to be the worst hex in our history.
Some of them never choose to take their masks off;
masks of envy, failure, doubt, or even the most indifferent remarks.
False faces roam our streets, some painted the finest gold,
to conceal how cruel they truly are,
what careless mistakes they've commited.
Part II
Judgment often plays its part, weighing the requests of those with false faces.
Judgment often shifts, its appearance shifting, with true luxury of amber and gold;
draped upon it like one's greatest daydream.
Even those with false faces, passionless as stone, must face Judgment in true form,
yet they discard life's choices like dismissing a mere servant.
The world is made up of people who make bad choices, or even mistakes that Judgment can't fix.
For once, perhaps if Judgment didn't turn its gaze onto some poor souls, than their false faces
would drop like the masks they wear, but Judgment can't be avoided, for it is
something that must be abided by.
Part III
The streets are dead, covered with concealed faces, hopes diminished and joy unspoken of,
like when Autumn comes, each leaf becoming colorful and bright, and than
shedding into shriveled up leaves; just like those in masks.
If they'd just Change, once and for all, and make the world slightly better, it'd be worth anything--
even everything. Yet the world is too cruel for such a change, and none will even
consider what is beyond thy false faces and masks.
Part IIII
They, known for their wrong-doings, take their masks off one by one, acknowledging their past
head-on, embracing it with joy and remembrance. Eyes of azure, hazel, emerald,
and the most breath-taking amber; beauty showering all who no longer have false faces.
The epidemic has flourished, lost forever in the depths of the history-no longer will there be those
with false faces. Humor and joy now walk our streets, accompanied by the lingering
of their past as their masks drop to the ground.
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139,463 Literary Works • 672,569 Reviews
Hello KatGirl!
Then their false faces would drop like the masks they wear? (You will find this error in part II.)First off, what a great poem! I especially like the ending. I like the way you presented it, not going on forever about how bad these false faces were, but giving it an ending in happiness. I only found one error, as follows:
Other than that, this passing reviewer couldn't find any errors!
~Kelpies
Hey! Smanske15 here to review!
A few quick comments. Keep in mind, please, that these are merely suggestions and I in no way intend to influence your art. Stay creative!
Critiques:
In Part II, you say, "Judgment often plays its part, weighing the requests of those with false faces, Judgment often shifts, its appearance shifting..." One: You use the word "often" too often in this period. (Hee, hee. See what I did there?) And two: You also use the word "shifts/shifting" twice. Instead of saying Judgment shifts, try using a piece of imagery. How does Judgment shift? Is it menacing, or is it a subtle change that happens, something we can barely notice?
"...with true luxury of amber and god; draped upon it..." You misused the semicolon here. A semicolon is used to links two major sentence elements. It's supposed to be used between closely related independent clauses. You can instead just use a comma here, and that'd work fine.
"...passionless as stone..." I would try a less-awkward sounding adjective. For example, "as impassive as stone..."
"...onto some poor souls, than their false..." Change "than" to "then."
"...colorful and bright, and than shedding..." Use "then" instead of "than."
"...shriveled up leaves; just like those in masks." You misused the semicolon again.
I really liked Part I, especially. Never give up writing! You'll get better and better at it, I just know!
Hey,
So this is awkward... I was going to start out with the few spelling errors I caught but CreativelyWritten has already mentioned them. Woe is me. Anyway, at first glance I was kinda confused as to why the poem was broken into parts instead of stanzas. As the poem went on however it all came together nicely (Even if I still don't understand the parts). I like your wide use of vocab in this poem, it helps convey everything nicely. This poem has a errieness that I cant quite place, which is weird for me because I write all sorts of poetry. So I applaud you *Clap* *clap* *clap*. All in all this is a really great poem with a lot of depth. I hope to read more of your work in the future.
Sincerely,
Collideascope
At first I'll admit I was hesitant to read this poem. It started out and... well I'll admit I'm somewhat of a simpleton when it comes to poetry. I love rhyming poems with an easy flow. But I persevered and I'm so glad I did! Around Part 2 I started getting chills. This poem is beautiful and most certainly thought out. Plus, even though it was hard for me to read, I love the layout ^.^
There are a few spelling errors I caught:
Part 1, last line: careless
Part 2, line 7: then would be used as it is a cause and effect sentence
Love, love, loved the poem! Keep writing
CreativelyWritten