It is a thing most desire, but would it not be a life of sorrow?
We all know that the time will come, we live to die; and gain knowledge from life.
Friends, joy, and being carefree are wishes that can be granted.
It's what makes life so special.
We all, as a community, try to have our wishes granted.
Friends are people whom share a part of your life.
Laughter is a blessing of joy that we can have with our friends.
Being carefree is such bliss.
Freedom is spreading your wings and flying into the sky.
Immortality is something none should seek out, for life is meant to be lived and kept.
It is a gift we slowly tear open as our lives go on, and time passes on.
Immortality is the antonym of mortality.
A life of sorrow, not able to fly, ensnared in chains.
Freedom is a word never to be spoken again.
Laughter is hollow and dry, a memory forgotten.
Friends are long gone.
Watching, like a scene on a play, a shot of a movie, as those you love wither and fade.
A disease that has no cure. Death.
A gaping void of eternal sorrow, slowly withering an immortal into a hopeless soul.
Misery is a raging storm, thunder like a heartache; a lurking shadow blocking out the sun.
Immortality eventually wraps you in a cocoon of lament, guilt, and tragedy, like being in a pitch black room with no escape.
Spread your wings and fly to the unknown, never to think of the gloom of immortality.
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139,463 Literary Works • 672,569 Reviews
So, let's get down to business.
.
This one is really more of a nitpick:
We all know that the time will come, we live to die; and gain knowledge from life.
Your semicolon is in the wrong place here. The semi-colon should be after come, and the comma should be after 'we live to die'.
Yet another nitpick:
Friends, joy, and being carefree are wishes that can be granted.
I think putting a comma after carefree would make the reader pause there (obviously) and make the poem sound much better when read aloud.
Friends are people whom share a part of your life.
I'd edit this definition a little bit. The rest of your poem, you have pretty accurate definitions of thing- albeit figurative definitions, sometimes. Anyway, aren't enemies also people who share a part of your life? Maybe friends are the people that support you, but your definition as is is a bit too general.
Laughter is a blessing of joy that we can have with our friends.
There's nothing wrong with this. I just wanted to comment on how true this is
It is a gift we slowly tear open as our lives go on, and time passes on.
I don't think you need the second on after the phrase 'time passes'. It sounds better without it- as is, the word 'on' repeats too much in too short of an interval.
Immortality is the antonym of mortality.
Really obvious, even with superfluous vocabulary. I'd say go ahead and cut that line form the rest of the poem.
A life of sorrow, not able to fly, ensnared in chains.
Is... what? You've been defining things along the way, and now you stop? Nooooooo!
If you mean that that's immortality, I think you could rephrase that. Most people would think of being immortal as truly being alive. Also, if you do mean immortality, then you could add an 'It is' at the beginning of the line and fix almost everything!
Watching, like a scene on a play, a shot of a movie, as those you love wither and fade.
A disease that has no cure. Death.
Bit of a spacing issue here, I think.
A gaping void of eternal sorrow, slowly withering an immortal into a hopeless soul.
You used the word wither two lines ago. Find a new adjective.
End of my nitpicks.
Beautiful poem! I love all of the figurative language, the story it tells, and the advice it gives.
I think you could have more description, at least in the very beginning. Adding a few lines to the poem would be nice, because I think it might progress from happiness to "DANGER: CAUTION" zone too quickly/suddenly. I also wanted you to mention more of the bad thing in life in the second half of the poem.
Overall though, great job.
Keep writing, love.
Hello KatGirl! Happy Review Day!
I've put a few works of mine under Art when I thought they were a bit out there, and I wasn't sure what genre to put them under.
I'm not too good at reviewing poetry, but I'll give it my best shot, okay?
You mentioned in your description that you weren't sure what to list your story under, genre-wise. I think that this would fit under Dramatic, personally. Is there a Contemplation Genre? If so, it might fit in there.
I'm not too keen on the two 'on's in there, because you know how two words that are the same, in one sentence, can sound odd. You could put a 'by' instead of the last 'on' and I think it might flow better. Just a suggestion though.
I really liked this poem though, it's so thoughtful. I mean, the narrator is so thoughtful. And it's so true, you know? Who would want to be immortal? Who would want to watch everyone they ever loved, die? Unless everyone was immortal. It would be nice if everyone was immortal.
Your poem really makes a person think.
-Socks
I really liked how you explored this. Immortality is an interesting concept, since so many people, at least in fiction, are seeking after it, yet you're right, it does have a lot of negative consequences.
I have a couple of suggestions for this. One is see if there's any lines you can make more concise. reword so that you end up using less words.
You seemed to have a pattern going on here, but I don't know whether you did that intentionally or not. You have three long lines, and then a short one. I like that, it gives the poem a nice rhythm. However, the last five lines are all really long, so considering though in a short, sweet, powerful line. I'd like to see it end on one, but that's just a personal preference.
Also, consider breaking it up into stanzas, I think it would help with the flow and readability of the piece.
Thanks for posting it!
-Art
Hello, love! Aurora here with a quick review day review for you. A very pretty prosaic poem you have here, love
.
So, let's get down to business.
This one is really more of a nitpick:
We all know that the time will come, we live to die; and gain knowledge from life.
Your semicolon is in the wrong place here. The semi-colon should be after come, and the comma should be after 'we live to die'.
Yet another nitpick:
Friends, joy, and being carefree are wishes that can be granted.
I think putting a comma after carefree would make the reader pause there (obviously) and make the poem sound much better when read aloud.
Friends are people whom share a part of your life.
I'd edit this definition a little bit. The rest of your poem, you have pretty accurate definitions of thing- albeit figurative definitions, sometimes. Anyway, aren't enemies also people who share a part of your life? Maybe friends are the people that support you, but your definition as is is a bit too general.
Laughter is a blessing of joy that we can have with our friends.
There's nothing wrong with this. I just wanted to comment on how true this is
It is a gift we slowly tear open as our lives go on, and time passes on.
I don't think you need the second on after the phrase 'time passes'. It sounds better without it- as is, the word 'on' repeats too much in too short of an interval.
Immortality is the antonym of mortality.
Really obvious, even with superfluous vocabulary. I'd say go ahead and cut that line form the rest of the poem.
A life of sorrow, not able to fly, ensnared in chains.
Is... what? You've been defining things along the way, and now you stop? Nooooooo!
If you mean that that's immortality, I think you could rephrase that. Most people would think of being immortal as truly being alive. Also, if you do mean immortality, then you could add an 'It is' at the beginning of the line and fix almost everything!
Watching, like a scene on a play, a shot of a movie, as those you love wither and fade.
A disease that has no cure. Death.
Bit of a spacing issue here, I think.
A gaping void of eternal sorrow, slowly withering an immortal into a hopeless soul.
You used the word wither two lines ago. Find a new adjective.
End of my nitpicks.
Beautiful poem! I love all of the figurative language, the story it tells, and the advice it gives.
I think you could have more description, at least in the very beginning. Adding a few lines to the poem would be nice, because I think it might progress from happiness to "DANGER: CAUTION" zone too quickly/suddenly. I also wanted you to mention more of the bad thing in life in the second half of the poem.
Overall though, great job.
Keep writing, love.
~Aurora
Great poem, so true. Just a couple of suggestions and errors I found:
Errors:
Line 2.) "time will come" (put semicolon here rather than comma) "we live to die"
Line 3.) "Friends, joy, and being carefree" (are wishes rather than is a wish) "that can be"
Line 5.) "as a community, try to have our (wishes rather than wish) "granted."
Line 6.) "Friends are people" (with) "whom we share"
Line 7.) "blessing of joy" (either: "that we" or remove "of joy") "can have with our"
Line 9.) There are two spaces after "is"
Line 19.) "and tragedy," (replace "like" with "as if")
Line 20.) There is a space before "Spread"
Suggestions:
I think a line something like this would be pretty good:
"Watching, like a scene on a play, a shot of a movie, as those you love wither and fade.
A disease that has no cure. Death."
Anyway, great poem. Do what you like with it, and keep up the good work.
Thanks!
Hello there! I haven't reviewed a lot of poetry, so I probably suck. But I shall try my best.
Here are my comments:
I like how you contrast mortality and immortality with freedom, laughter, and friends. It really brings meaning to this poem.
Freedom is almost like spreading your wings and flying into the sky.-- I suggest taking the word "almost" out of this line, as well as "like" (see comment below)
It is like being trapped in a pitch black room with no escape.- I think you can make this description more powerful- adding something about time would help, because the most terrifying thing about immortality is that it is eternal.
I think you could use a bit more flow in this... some of the lines seem kind of randomly put after one another, and slightly choppy.
I also think you can use less similes- stop using "like" and just have it be "is" instead- Misery isn't LIKE a raging storm, it IS a raging storm. What you're trying to say becomes much more powerful that way.
I really like the message of this poem... you did a good job communicating that.
I hope this review of some help... maybe... perhaps not.
Keep writing!
-rissy