close your eyes; they told the world
do they not understand it's slowly crumbling around us?
they led us with tricks and lies..
our doom set before us, they shrouded it with lies;
controlling our world with a cunning smile
formed on their lips
war is plunging into gruesome bloodshed,
our own people are betraying us
disease is unfurling across the world
let's make a stand and overcharge war
it's okay to be afraid, nobody will hurt you in a safe haven
open your eyes to reality, it may be one of few truths the world
that we can grasp with open hands
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,805 Reviews
Hi, myself! Right into the review. I see you like semicolons, especially being used in all of your other works. Is there a particular reason for this? Anyways. The italicize is also unnecessary as well. I think it would look better if the poem was split up into different sections. You also have a lack of punctuation that I think you should implement into here.
"close your eyes; they told the world"
A comma is more suitable in this situation.
they led us with tricks and lies..
Ellipsis is generally three dots, not two. I would suggest taking it out completely though.
"let's make a stand and overcharge war"
Overcharge? Awkward word choice. Fix.
"That we can grasp with open hands"
I like the ending you put here.
Hello KatGirl!
First off, I congratulate you for writing this very meaningful piece of poetry.
However, I noticed you haven't given much attention to punctuation? Was this intentional?
You used the wrong word in the sentence -
they leaded us with tricks and lies.. -
It is should be -
They led us with truth and lies...-
As you can see, 'leaded' is a word with completely different meaning, whereas 'led' is a more appropriate past particle of the word lead.
I really enjoyed this piece...keep writing!
Before I start my review, you must know that after reading this, I felt ashamed of myself because I hardly understood the piece of work. It's my own daft-ness... I'm too inexperienced to understand your meaningful poetry.
If there's one thing I liked, it's how your lines accurately describe the bitter truths and disasters on Earth without actually using complex words.
Parts like:
" war is plunging into gruesome bloodshed,
our own people are betraying us "
At first glance, the two lines are simple, but one can easily see the immense meaning behind the common words. To tell so much, by telling so little, is definitely the strength of your poem.
I wonder who are "they"? Who are "they" who "leaded us with tricks and lies.."? "They" who are "controlling our world with a cunning smile formed on their lips"? I like the mystery, but perhaps it was this mystery that made me confused about your work.
" open your eyes to reality, it may be one of few truths the world
that we can grasp with open hands "
As the ending lines, these two have a huge impact. You seem to be well-experienced in poetry, and I salute you for that. Bear in mind I'm not a poet, therefore all of my advice is simply a reader's opinion instead of a professional's.
Anyway, do not blame yourself that I'm puzzled about the message of this poem. Really, the lack of understanding is entirely my fault. xD
Thanks for the great read, though!
~Brunnera
Thanks so much!