{Author’s note: The prologue is told in 1st person, but I’m pretty sure the rest of the story’s gonna be 3rd person. Oh yeah, and author’s notes will have {} instead of ().}
*ahem* Hey there. You’re probably wondering who I am and how I’m talking to you. Well, it’s a bit of a complicated story.
I’m writing this from Otherworld, a separate dimension from you guys (probably). Otherworld is home to the Ziannions. We’re kind of like the demons from your stories, but we’re also kind of different. Instead of that whole torture business, we’re a bit like superheroes. Our job is to protect the Earth and the people on it from other dangerous creatures. Like the Hectulings.
Ughhh, I HATE the Hectulings. They’re kind of like sea monsters, except they don’t need water. They’re able to control liquids, though. But that’s besides the point. They’re our biggest rivals, and I’m pretty sure they’re trying to destroy the Earth..? But either way, we have a history that goes pretty far back. About 5000 years ago, they invaded Otherworld, but we managed to drive them out. But they want what’s ours, and they keep attacking Earth too, for some reason. That’s where we come in. Particularly, my trio of friends.
First off, we have Feleth. She only joined our group half a decade ago, so only just recently. But so far, she’s been fun to have around! She’s definitely one of the more feminine Ziannions. Oh yeah, I should mention something; the whole “gender” concept isn’t really a thing among us. {sus} We can choose to be feminine, masculine, or neither. Feleth is a prime example of feminine. She LOVES all the makeup stuff they have on Earth. Personally, it’s not that interesting, but I do like seeing her get all excited.
Then, we have Aideth. He’s been my friend ever since we were little. Aideth is more masculine, and he can be pretty cocky. He’s the jokester for sure, and is ALWAYS joking around with us. Like, this one time, he put this shocker contraption on his hand, then asked me to shake it. I did it, and it shocked me! I was mad at the time, but looking back now, it was actually pretty funny. Apparently that’s some Earth prank or whatever.
And finally, we have me, yours truly! Or, well, Aglos. I’m neither masculine or feminine, I’m androgynous. I’m not sure what there is to say about me! Uhh… I’m attracted to more feminine people, I like learning about humans… oh yeah! I have telekinesis. I can use my mind to use stuff! And I’m pretty sure I might have some sort of brain condition. I’m pretty sure you humans call it AHDD..? Or is it ADHD? I’m not sure. I tend to be kind of forgetful, hehe…
Anyways, Feleth, Aideth and I make up the Flaming Bandits! We’re one of Otherworld’s most powerful groups of saviors. Using our combined powers, we’re able to handle pretty much everything! The Flaming Bandits are pretty much the first group Queen Iphistora calls when the Hectulings attack. Now, what kind of stuff will we face in the future..? I’m not exactly sure yet. Crazy stuff happens every day. But hopefully you’ll join along for the ride!
End of chapter
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140,165 Literary Works • 673,032 Reviews
Hi Ignorance,
Mailice here with a short review!
I came across the pictures of the characters and thought I'd read into it and see what it's all about. Apart from the drawings, I like your flow of language. The first person narrative has a positive effect on the story and I think you've managed to take a non-neutral stance (which is good) and lighten the mood with a bit of humour. To me it feels like being in a presentation or just being introduced to new people in a meeting, and you manage to pull that off well.
I like the development and presentation of the characters so far and apart from showing them as pictures (which I think is a good idea to make the appearance less descriptive and draw attention to other features) as a great presentation of the characters. I imagine it is meant to act as a prologue for the reader to follow these characters further and one is meant to build sympathy.
One criticism I have so far is that the first person narration brings out a bit of a frantic voice. I suppose the character is rather excited to introduce himself and also his friends, but so far it seems more to me like the character is neurotic and think you need to adjust the voice a bit there, otherwise it may contrast with actions the character will take in the future.
Other points that struck me while reading:
I like how you don't find out exactly how the character does it, how he communicates with me / the reader, until the end. It's a good start, because you're puzzling over it while you're reading.
I like this description and how it is also used appropriately for the performance.
Based on this description, I can't imagine that much yet. Does that mean that they look like sea creatures from Earth, except that they can move in the air and on land? I would perhaps add a supplement for the reader.
Here would have been the opportunity to describe a little more how old a Ziannion can become. Because it sounds a bit like you were there 5000 years ago.
I can clearly see what you're trying to say with that, but I'd rewrite it a bit as not every human woman will agree with it.
Since Aideth shocked you with a shocker contraption, I assume he bought this on Earth? Since you mention here that it's an Earth prank, I think either he got it there, or you guys on the planet use those shockers for something completely different.
I like the story so far. It has a funny undertone and yet it's laced with excitement. I like this combination and I'm very curious to see how the story will develop.
Have fun writing!
Mailice.
Oh my gosh, the idea of demons being friends and actually helping Earth is such a cool idea! This is 100% something I'm going to stick by because if there is one thing we need in a small writing community like this its some original ideas. The concept is good, the characters are well thought out (and well drawn dare I say 😏), and it looks like you have a lot to share. Now since this is a prologue there isn't much to critique, but I WILL say that I HOPE you will find a good way to blend description with dialogue, don't water down the story too much from sucking people out of the action by describing someone armor in too much detail, leave some room for imagination and more importantly fan-art :0
Thank you! Although, I should state that I did not draw the designs- credits to Baydew on Picrew!
Hey here for a review as I told you.
Let's get to the grammatical mistakes first.
I guess 'besides' will be 'beside
Feminine is not the correct word here. Replace it, maybe with feminity or feminine nature.
The comma here is not necessary, I guess.
Put a comma after apparently
Or should be 'nor'
Put a comma after hopefully.
Done with grammatical errors. Now, let's jump to the review by paragraph.
Pretty intriguing beginning. Even if the reader was not wondering, it presses the reader to wonder. And the narrator starts to tell the story of the narrator.
Right a fantasy world named Otherworld. You have got a good name, easy to remember. Then, u introduce Ziannions, a fictional character and their nature. I loved how you associated them with the devils without really giving them the negative side but the opposite. And u introduce another fictional character– Hectuling.
Right. Now, their enemies. I would like a bit of clarification on the 'They can control liquid' thing. Also, why did u put that question mark after Earth? Here u introduce the trio. Great job.
As for the characters, each one is unique and awesome in their own way.
A great ending. It surely makes the reader want to read the next chapter. And one crucial bit of information u ave given is that the name of the trio is Flaming Bandits.
Overall: Overall, it was pretty good. Though a but rushed, like introducing many things at once but I guess that doesn't matter because we will deal with them in the upcoming chapters.
Please tag me when u release the next chapter and keep writing.
~ Forever
Thank you! Grammar definitely isn%u2019t my strongest suit, but I%u2019ll continue to work on it. I%u2019ll tag you when the next chapter is released!
My grammar too is awful...
I will be reviewing this soon. The pics are cool tho.😇
Thank you! I should mention that I didn%u2019t draw them, credits to baydews on Picrew.
Hey, Alice is here to give a review!!!
The story is pretty interesting. It's the first time I have heard of demons protecting the Earth, that's pretty cool. And it's always fun to watch a trio saving the people. Your characters look really cool. I really like all the character names.
And you really managed to pull people towards your writing from this prologue, and I would definitely like to read the chapters of this story. Your writing style is very easy going and it's really a simple and fun read, which is good!
Hope you post the chapters soon! Keep writing! Never give up!
Thank you! <3
And I wonder from where you make those cool character avatars.
Oh! A website, [url=picrew.me]Picrew![/url] If you want, I can share the link to the specific one I used?
Yeah please, I need it!
Alright, right here! https://picrew.me/image_maker/415524?fb ... urce=dable
Thanksssssssss<33333333