her, her, her
it's always about her
day and night, taking it all,
leaving nothing in return
and what do i get?
nothing yet
nothing seems to go my way
yet i keep going on
day and night, that's what we are
peppy and cheerful,
calm and far (from perfect)
opposites attract, they say
sisters work as a team
so why won't she ever
stop controlling me?
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Is that thomas sanders in your pfp or am I imagining things
Anyway, I’m here to review.
I loved the second half of this poem and how you put “from perfect” in parenthesis (I had to spell that word 5 times )
I can’t really relate to this poem because, well, only child with not much family. But I’ve seen it in other people’s families and so this poem allows me a little insight into what’s it’s like on the other side if that makes sense ?
The other reviews are quite lengthy so I don’t even think you need my review, but I need like 10 points so.
I don’t have any critiques that I can think of for this poem ? I think it flowed quite well and has a strong emotion tied into it so I can’t think of anything I would change about it
Thanks! Yes, that is Thomas Sanders, fellow fander??
Yess
That%u2019s it we are now friends
Hello there <3
The topic regarding family, specifically siblings, is incredibly relevant but is rare in poetry, in comparison to romance. However, no matter how relevant it is, it’s still all up to the poem if it’s relatable or not.
The poem lacked some details and context so it was quite difficult to empathise with it (i’m so sorry). You can find an article related to what i’m discussing (it’s more in depth and comprehensive), but basically you have to work on the specificity of your poem. Believe it or not, the more general it is, the harder it is for the reader to form a connection. Because instead of focusing on the experience and the scene, they’d be filled with questions of what it is and resort to assumption.
It seemed like Stygianmoon seemed to relate to the poem, contradicting my statement, but most like it’s because she had similar experiences. How about those people who don’t? Especially all the only-child(s) out there. Poetry may have a target demographic but that doesn’t mean it couldn’t be read by everyone. You have to describe situations, hide them under metaphors, and much more because even if they couldn’t completely relate to it, they’ll be able to sympathise. We’re all humans after all.
The second and third line needed a better transition. The only thing the girl took in the second line was “attention” so how could you say “all”? You need to tell us what else the narrator (i don’t want to assume that this is you so I’d call “i” that”) had been deprived of because of her; things that the narrator highly valued or would want to acquire so that it would make it seem like she did take everything. Also, who was giving her so much attention? Their parents? Or their other relatives and friends as well? Depending on that is the elicited reaction from us readers since we can understand to what extent the narrator was overshadowed (from being ignored to complete neglect; from estrangement to isolation)
This part is a bit redundant because “taking it all//leaving nothing in return” already alludes to that.
My critique was supposedly about how there was no indication that that narrator’s sister was “controlling” until I found the first quote. It’s probably the only indication on what should be the focal point of the entire poem. I can feel the narrator’s frustration when she/he asked the question on the second quote so why was it barely explained? Why was it barely given attention?
You could insert to what extent was she controlling the narrator: in everything? From family to school to romantic relationships? Also, in what form? Is she manipulative? Does she keep her/him from doing things by deterring or threatening her/him? Or is it an internalised type of control (something that’s only happening because of one’s own mindset)? Does she/he feel like she’s controlling him/her — even if she isn’t — because of inferiority complex/ insecurity (as seen in the “far from perfect” line)?
My last critique would be in these lines ^^ The purpose of listing down these adjectives is to juxtapose both of the sister and the narrator’s personalities, right? To show what makes her seem better? But how is being cheerful an opposite of imperfection? I’m quite a cheerful person but that doesn’t mean I’m perfect. Also, being “calm” does not have any negative connotation. I actually admire those people because they have the sense of peace so perhaps you meant a pushover or something?
Furthermore, why is there a parentheses on the word “from perfect.” Parentheses are used to indicate that what’s inside it isn’t that important and could be removed/ignored. A possibility is that you wanted to use a very undermined or suppressed tone (not wanting to admit the imperfection of the narrator). Having said that, if we use the rules of a parentheses and completely ignore what’s inside it, the word is “far” and that’s not a trait nor a personality. It’s a good play of words but I don’t think it’s appropriate in this poem.
That’s about it for my review! Hope this helps you and it’s all up to you what you want to get from this because you’re still the poet : ) Remember that you’re capable of becoming a great poet as long as you keep on writing!
P.S. If there’s anything I said that was below the belt, please do tell me and I sincerely apologise.
P.P.S. If I’ve phrased something confusingly, feel free to ask for clarifications. Have a great day or night <3
Hey there, stygiamoon17 here for a review
I actually thought you were a guy at first, complaining about his ex or something, but then that line of "sisters work as a team" came and.. wow that was harsh.
apart for the grammar, the imagery and the wording, as well as all the other poetic stuff like stanzas and rhythm, which I thought were on point, the rhymes you chose never feel forced.
You know, like in those poems where people complain about a person they love the first line, then say something like "her hair is like that of a bee." It's out of place really, and it's usually right there just to rhyme with the sentence before. But not in your case. It was always creatively used and never abused it seemed, in your poem.
I feel you- I have a sister too, and I've always had the same feeling as you do. She's better than me, she hates me- which is weird because sisters should bond right ?
But trust me, you're probably going through a tough time with her, but things will get better eventually. And if you're the eldest, don't take it on yourself to save your relationship. She's probably just in her teen years, and if she isn't and she truly is toxic, than it is not your fault. And sometimes it's important to just know how to let go